E. James White Profile picture
Aug 23, 2018 13 tweets 5 min read Read on X
Welp. I just had to do my first "WE'RE LEAVING NOW" to my kid due to her acting up.

To say she's not pleased with me would be a severe understatement.

She's in full rage.

#DGProper
The best part? It's a BEAUTIFUL day in Philly. We were going to the park. I got a special backpack that has a cooler built in so I could bring her cold water and keep her yogurt cool. I had veggie sticks, animal crackers, THE WORKS. I had enough for her AND her BFF. #DGProper
We had literally JUST arrived at the park. She was in a mood & wouldn't let me unbuckle her seat belt. Her mom had to use the bathroom so I told her I was her only option.

I unhook one of the buckles and she kicks at me. I catch it like the Batman & tell her "DON'T KICK DADDY."
She tries for another kick.

*BLOCKED*

And then she did something I just didn't see coming this lil m'fucka slapped me across the face like we were in an episode of Dynasty or Falcon Crest.

#DGProper
Me:
I think there was about 3 seconds of silence as she looked at me and I looked at her. Here's a dramatic re-enactment:
Then I just yelled to my wife "HONEY. GET BACK IN THE CAR. WE'RE GOING HOME."

Wife: "What?"

ME: "WE'RE GOING HOME. NO PARK FOR SIDNEY."

The Brat:
And the problem was not only had we just gotten to the park, not only did i have all the snacks, we were there with her BFF and his dad. Her BFF had just walked up to the car when I made this declaration. She saw him and screamed HARDER. #DGProper
Now, I'm not exactly proud of this next part but I did it so I'm owning it.

Her BFF is standing at the car door. She's in her seat SCREAMING.

I bend over to him and say "Would you like Sidney's apple sauce?" He nods yes and I open up my snack bag and hand it to him,

Her:
We also have a ball we keep in the car for park trips. Her BFF LOOOOVES this ball. He had picked it up and his Dad told him give it back since we were leaving.

Me: "You can go play with the ball. Have fun!"

Her:
I calmly got back in the car and looked in the back seat and said "When Daddy says don't hit Daddy, don't hit Daddy."

The rage in this little person's eyes...

I might've felt bad had she not just kicked my wife in the face 2 days ago. #DGProper
She's been really testing us with the whole hitting and kicking thing. I was trying to go by the book and not respond to big, explain to her that its not nice and she wouldn't like it if I did that to her, blah blah blah. She just does it anyway and apologizes the next day...
I told the wife we have to draw a line in the sand. She can't act like this. It's unacceptable. And I'm not gonna hit her back. I'm grown ass man.

But I'm also a grown ass PETTY man.

In a game of pettiness child, you will not win.

Don't. Hit. Daddy.

#DGProper

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More from @elonjames

Sep 24, 2018
This whole “If we listen to sexual assault allegations from women then every man will be brought down” is based on how men are socialized. While we all say “rape is wrong”, we also say “boys WILL be boys” & “she was asking for it. Look how’s she’s dressed. Why was she so drunk?”
This fucked up logic is baked into dudes from really a young age. I was raised by a feminist and I still heard statements like “She was asking for it.” She couldn’t shield me, no matter how hard she tried, from how society looks at women and what is “owed” to men.
All the dudes who think every man is on the chopping block if we listen to assault allegations from the past are basing this on the ridiculous idea that women are dishonest liars who want to destroy men. That women are more dangerous to men than we are to them.
Read 6 tweets
Sep 18, 2018
Yes. Yes it should.

Sexual assault isn't like wearing bell bottoms or getting a bad haircut or using problematic language.

ITS. A. FUCKING. LIFE ALTERING. CRIME. YOU DICK HOLES.
If I'm raping women in my late teens (and I say women cuz we don't know what dude could've done. It's not like we know he hit his rape quota) and I never admit it. I never take responsibility for it...

Why the FUCK should I be allowed to sit on the highest court of the land?
The only way you can argue that we should ignore such a heinous crime is if you're trying to protect yourself or others who have committed similarly heinous acts. Rape isn't part of all of our coming of age stories. I snuck out to the arcade at 17.

I didn't assault women.
Read 4 tweets
Sep 2, 2018
My child, who is in full fledge boundary testing mode, just told me that her name is NOT Siddy.

It’s Sidney Baby Girl.

Okay buddy. #DGProper
I almost asked her “But who calls you baby girl?” But the last I hit her with a logic bomb that she couldn’t handle she screamed for 10 minutes. #DGProper
I realized that acting as the enforcer of rules/discipline may be neccessary for the brat but it aggravates my ADD. My brain does not enjoy keeping rules and lists and when forced to do so I can get cranky. So I have to maintain a calm while being really frustrated. #addcheckin
Read 4 tweets
Aug 31, 2018
So yesterday I posted a pic of a 3d picture of my son in the womb. I look at the post today and see some one posted this in response... #DGProper
That pissed me all the way off. How do you write on a post where someone ALREADY did something that we’re not sure if it’s safe. It’s INVITING you to get freaked out. Mind you, the concern is over vanity ultrasounds that aren’t medically neccessary. This was not that. #DGProper
And if the person had asked I would’ve gladly told them it was specifically requested by the doctor. And there wasn’t extra time involved. It was a basic sonogram and They COULD show the 3d picture.

Why post scare comments to expecting parents? #DGProper
Read 6 tweets
Aug 30, 2018
“In a letter to House and Senate leaders, Trump described the pay increase as "inappropriate."

"We must maintain efforts to put our Nation on a fiscally sustainable course, and Federal agency budgets cannot sustain such increases," the President wrote.” cnn.com/2018/08/30/pol…
Read 8 tweets
Aug 30, 2018
When I told folks last year that I had a nemises list I was mocked!

NOW ITS WHATS HOT IN THE STREETS.
Everyone is in fact on my list but my top 10-20 doesn’t move often. You can temporarily make it to my top list but to stay you have to be a real douche bag.
Read 4 tweets

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