Chuck Wendig Profile picture
Aug 26, 2018 27 tweets 9 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
*whispers*

heirlooooooom

aaaaaapples

you can hear them tumbling toward you in a gentle, lumpy avalanche
Heirloom apples procured today: Pippin Katrina, Wynooche Early, Cherryville Black, Chestnut Crab, Cobb’s Quince, Sinister Lumpella, Coxcomb’s Bargain, Hardiaken’s Crimson Skull, Barrington’s Elfthroat, Rumble Longhole, Steve, Eldritch Sphere, okay FINE I’m making some of these up
whispers:

it is time

from the mists I rise

an apple in each hand

and an apple for each eye

and an apple for a heart

and now you are an heirloom apple, too

#heirloomapplereview
our first apple is

RELEIKA!

A small apple. Hard. Crisp. Good for hurling at unpleasant children. Has a sweet taste, redolent with funky fall spice — this apple is possessed by the ghosts of cinnamon and ginger, LOCKED IN SPICY ETERNAL COMBAT

#heirloomapplereview
next up is

uhhh

*checks notes*

this might be a tomato
no no it’s apparently an apple?

It’s a WYNOOCHE EARLY and our first order of business is pronunciation

WHY NOOCH?

WHY NOOCHIE?

WEE NOO KAY?

SLARTIBARTFAST?

hm
well whatevs

let’s do this
WYNOOCHE EARLY: Bright! Present! Vaguely pineappley and also tastes like water and the memory of apples more than actual apples! Stays too long in the mouth! So it’s like you’re kind of chewing an apple-flavored Post-It note! It’s still in my mouth! Oh no!

#heirloomapplereview
(A reminder that I procure my apples from @NStarOrchard — so if you’re in PA near PHLish, check them out.)
*thunder rumbles*

*a bolt of lightning splits the sky*

*apples begin to fall from the sky*

HELLO it is #heirloomapplereview time, nerds
FIRST UP —

Meet SANSA!

Here she tries to hide amongst fake fruits (including some kind of MUMMY PEAR), and she keeps whispering, “Winter is coming.” Whatever, SANSA, jeez. So dramatic. It’s not like someone is going to eat yyyyyoooh no oops

#heirloomapplereview
SANSA: Gently sweet and soft, a little grassy, redolent of a spring rain. Tastes faintly of regret and broken fairy promises. Probably a fan of singer-songwriters, maybe a singer-songwriter itself? #heirloomapplereview
Next up — PIPPIN KATRINA, which, as a point of fact, is Frodo Baggins’ girlfriend in the LORD OF THE RINGS sequel, A BUMPY NIGHT IN BAG END. Here, the apple is pictured after a long night of pipeweed and fermented dragon wee.
PIPPIN KATRINA: Tongue-rumplingly tart. Described as crisp but it was softer than that. Ultimately pleasant, unassertive apple. Hint of sweetness makes this very eatable. Likes long walks in the rain and pink wine. Its safe word is “Peter Lemongello, Jr.” #heirloomapplereview
THE WORLD MAY BE HOT RANCID TURKEY FAT IN A BURLAP DIAPER

but at least we have heirloom apples
First up: please to meet COB’S QUINCE, aka PRISONER no. 19. It has been detained for CRIMES AGAINST PEARS.
COB’S QUINCE: A tart pineapple tickle in an apple that is as soft and gritty as tile grout. It is barely pleasant and should again be banished to the ANCIENT APPLE PRISON — aka, The Black Orchard! what fun! — that exists at the end of time and space. #heirloomapplereview
Now, we move onto the CHESTNUT CRAB APPLE. As you can see, this one is pretending to be a potato, BUT I AM ONTO YOU, CRAB APPLE. You won’t fool me, you tricksy fluffernutter, you.
A point of trivia about crab apples:

They are NOT filled with crabs and, in fact, are used as money among the Crabfolk!

They are however filled with spiders so that’s nice. #protein
Anyway, CHESTNUT CRAB: a funky li’l apple with a texture that is somehow both crisp and rubbery? A bit grassy, juicy, with a hazelnut finish. That may be the spiders though. #heirloomapplereview
Bonus apple: SILKEN. Syrupy sweet, not too crisp, a little juicy, a nice apple, gets straight Bs, plays guitar in a popular local band. #heirloomapplereview
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

@ChrisEvans knows what time it is

it is heirloom apple time, little babies
Today, two varieties I’ve had before - let’s see how they stack up.

On the left: ZELDA’S LAMENT.

On the right: SAMSON’S GILDED ELKTWIG.
okay yes you correctly detected my Satanic ruse

these are GARDEN ROYAL and CHERRYVILLE BLACK, respectfully

your ability that suss out my lies is A+, go have an apple as a reward
First up: CHERRYVILLE BLACK. Stands up to an earlier assessment that it’s a bit mealy. Soft and unassertive. Gets shoved into lockers a lot. Plays the oboe, but not well. Has a hint of cinnamon complexity but ennnh. #heirloomapplereview
Second: GARDEN ROYAL. Last time I reviewed this one I was not impressed. This time?

SHIT HAS CHANGED, Y’ALL
GARDEN ROYAL: It is lemon-electric with its tartness. Bright and weird. Not crisp exactly, but has a nice bite. Starts tart, but ends with sweetness, like the sitcoms of @KenTremendous. They’re good apples, Bronk. #heirloomapplereview

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More from @ChuckWendig

Oct 9, 2018
ways to combat climate change
- eat people, preferably the annoying and bad ones
- stop farting all the time
- make your own socks instead of cutting down all those sock trees
- fire guns at the mean clouds
- or maybe instead just VOTE IN NOVEMBER & hold CORPORATIONS RESPONSIBLE
seriously I joke because if I can't joke I'll eat my own fingers down to the bloody nubbin
I mean, we're receiving news that we are destroying our planet because, basically, we just really like having more money than the next guy, so what if that kills all the puffins, fuck you puffins, I need a wave runner
Read 5 tweets
Oct 8, 2018
Soy contains phytoestrogen -- plant estrogen -- that is assumed by insecure dipshits to have an effect on male virility. (Regular milk has estrogen. So does bourbon.) More to the point, it is a coded insult that implicitly, if not explicitly, sexist and homophobic.
Ironically, soy and cuck and beta are also baby booboo diaperboy insults -- they're the repeated chants of not a savvy bully but the savvy bully's dingleberry buddies who stand in the back and just repeat what they hear. A gaggle of lesser dumdums behind King Dumdum Biff Tannen.
Read 4 tweets
Oct 8, 2018
In case you missed the announcement, I'm writing a five-issue miniseries called SHADOW OF VADER for Marvel! Deets here --> terribleminds.com/ramble/2018/10…
And also it's time to announce DEATH & HONEY, a second series of novellas written by @KevinHearne, @DelilahSDawson (as Lila Bowen) and myself -- bonus, @SubPress is doing a limited print run! Cover by @galendara --

subterraneanpress.com/news/announcin…
DEATH & HONEY features a new Oberon's Meaty Mystery from @KevinHearne, a new Rhett Walker story from @DelilahSDawson, and from me, a tie-in novella starring Wren from the Miriam Black books, bridging the gap from RAPTOR & WREN to the final book, VULTURES. Out in February!
Read 5 tweets
Oct 7, 2018
oh good I’m sure this won’t be annoying at all
convicted felon says what
guess I need to check my pockets to see if someone planted a Shithead Magnet on me somewhere
Read 5 tweets
Oct 6, 2018
There will be renewed calls for civility. Ignore them. They ask for civility as a way for you to grant them complicity in what they do.
Civility is for normalcy. When things are normal and working as intended, civility is part of maintaining balance. But when that balance is gone, civility does not help return it but rather, destabilize it further. Because your civility gives them cover for evil.
Note: this isn’t the same as calling for violence. But it is suggesting that you should not be shamed for using vigorous, vulgar language. Or for standing up in disobedience. Or for demanding acknowledgement and action in whatever way you must.
Read 11 tweets
Oct 4, 2018
I do seriously believe that art and writing and storytelling is an act of resistance. It shouldn't be the only one, but it can be a vital one just the same. Stories change the world. Art reflects a society that then works to reflect art in turn.
I think it can be resistance to fill your work with your ideas. I think it can be resistance to give yourself and your audience an escape hatch from the boiling cauldron of stupid we're all living in. I think all art is politics, and there's value in embracing that and using it.
I know it feels like sometimes we shouldn't be telling stories, or promoting them, or creating art, because it feels like... what, a waste? Squawking into the void? Tap-dancing on the Titanic? But don't feel guilty about that. Tell that voice to fuck right off.
Read 6 tweets

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