Thread by @ChuckWendig

*whispers*

heirlooooooom

aaaaaapples

you can hear them tumbling toward you in a gentle, lumpy avalanche

Heirloom apples procured today: Pippin Katrina, Wynooche Early, Cherryville Black, Chestnut Crab, Cobb’s Quince, Sinister Lumpella, Coxcomb’s Bargain, Hardiaken’s Crimson Skull, Barrington’s Elfthroat, Rumble Longhole, Steve, Eldritch Sphere, okay FINE I’m making some of these up

whispers:

it is time

from the mists I rise

an apple in each hand

and an apple for each eye

and an apple for a heart

and now you are an heirloom apple, too

#heirloomapplereview

our first apple is

RELEIKA!

A small apple. Hard. Crisp. Good for hurling at unpleasant children. Has a sweet taste, redolent with funky fall spice — this apple is possessed by the ghosts of cinnamon and ginger, LOCKED IN SPICY ETERNAL COMBAT

#heirloomapplereview

next up is

uhhh

*checks notes*

this might be a tomato

no no it’s apparently an apple?

It’s a WYNOOCHE EARLY and our first order of business is pronunciation

WHY NOOCH?

WHY NOOCHIE?

WEE NOO KAY?

SLARTIBARTFAST?

hm

well whatevs

let’s do this

WYNOOCHE EARLY: Bright! Present! Vaguely pineappley and also tastes like water and the memory of apples more than actual apples! Stays too long in the mouth! So it’s like you’re kind of chewing an apple-flavored Post-It note! It’s still in my mouth! Oh no!

#heirloomapplereview

(A reminder that I procure my apples from @NStarOrchard — so if you’re in PA near PHLish, check them out.)

*thunder rumbles*

*a bolt of lightning splits the sky*

*apples begin to fall from the sky*

HELLO it is #heirloomapplereview time, nerds

FIRST UP —

Meet SANSA!

Here she tries to hide amongst fake fruits (including some kind of MUMMY PEAR), and she keeps whispering, “Winter is coming.” Whatever, SANSA, jeez. So dramatic. It’s not like someone is going to eat yyyyyoooh no oops

#heirloomapplereview

SANSA: Gently sweet and soft, a little grassy, redolent of a spring rain. Tastes faintly of regret and broken fairy promises. Probably a fan of singer-songwriters, maybe a singer-songwriter itself? #heirloomapplereview

Next up — PIPPIN KATRINA, which, as a point of fact, is Frodo Baggins’ girlfriend in the LORD OF THE RINGS sequel, A BUMPY NIGHT IN BAG END. Here, the apple is pictured after a long night of pipeweed and fermented dragon wee.

PIPPIN KATRINA: Tongue-rumplingly tart. Described as crisp but it was softer than that. Ultimately pleasant, unassertive apple. Hint of sweetness makes this very eatable. Likes long walks in the rain and pink wine. Its safe word is “Peter Lemongello, Jr.” #heirloomapplereview

THE WORLD MAY BE HOT RANCID TURKEY FAT IN A BURLAP DIAPER

but at least we have heirloom apples

First up: please to meet COB’S QUINCE, aka PRISONER no. 19. It has been detained for CRIMES AGAINST PEARS.

COB’S QUINCE: A tart pineapple tickle in an apple that is as soft and gritty as tile grout. It is barely pleasant and should again be banished to the ANCIENT APPLE PRISON — aka, The Black Orchard! what fun! — that exists at the end of time and space. #heirloomapplereview

Now, we move onto the CHESTNUT CRAB APPLE. As you can see, this one is pretending to be a potato, BUT I AM ONTO YOU, CRAB APPLE. You won’t fool me, you tricksy fluffernutter, you.

A point of trivia about crab apples:

They are NOT filled with crabs and, in fact, are used as money among the Crabfolk!

They are however filled with spiders so that’s nice. #protein

Anyway, CHESTNUT CRAB: a funky li’l apple with a texture that is somehow both crisp and rubbery? A bit grassy, juicy, with a hazelnut finish. That may be the spiders though. #heirloomapplereview

Bonus apple: SILKEN. Syrupy sweet, not too crisp, a little juicy, a nice apple, gets straight Bs, plays guitar in a popular local band. #heirloomapplereview

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

@ChrisEvans knows what time it is

it is heirloom apple time, little babies

Today, two varieties I’ve had before - let’s see how they stack up.

On the left: ZELDA’S LAMENT.

On the right: SAMSON’S GILDED ELKTWIG.

okay yes you correctly detected my Satanic ruse

these are GARDEN ROYAL and CHERRYVILLE BLACK, respectfully

your ability that suss out my lies is A+, go have an apple as a reward

First up: CHERRYVILLE BLACK. Stands up to an earlier assessment that it’s a bit mealy. Soft and unassertive. Gets shoved into lockers a lot. Plays the oboe, but not well. Has a hint of cinnamon complexity but ennnh. #heirloomapplereview

Second: GARDEN ROYAL. Last time I reviewed this one I was not impressed. This time?

SHIT HAS CHANGED, Y’ALL

GARDEN ROYAL: It is lemon-electric with its tartness. Bright and weird. Not crisp exactly, but has a nice bite. Starts tart, but ends with sweetness, like the sitcoms of @KenTremendous. They’re good apples, Bronk. #heirloomapplereview