Thread by @VABVOX

It's 3:30am and I am crying because I am just so sick and this past week has been an incredible struggle to find some kind of balance between grasping for shreds of wellness and trying to carry on writing and meeting deadlines.

It's just so terrible.

In the midst of this it is the grim anniversary of my being paralyzed. And #PTSD does not take a holiday.

I honestly cannot bear how my life is some days. The restrictions, the relentless pain, the anxiety, the yearning to be well.

I miss wholeness. Even the wholeness I had.

I'm not asking anyone for anything. I'm just crushed by all of it in this moment.

It is so hard knowing this is how it will be for always.

And I want to be brave and model that for others, but dear G*d suffering is NOT ennobling. It just wears you down every blessed day.

I know that I am better than I was a year ago, when I was suicidal again. But honestly, this is a hard life. And I need it to be better.

I *am* grateful to be alive.I am *not* grateful to be in so much pain. It's one of those days where I feel unmoored by how trapped I am.Irony.

People who aren't ill, either with #cancer or some other chronic monstrous thing, aren't aware of how every day is a struggle to survive #pain and the arduousness of working through it.

We should be doing better as a society for the 131M Americans with a chronic illness.

Anyway, I just needed to say these things. And whenever I do, other people feel permission to tell their own stories.

Tell your stories.
Other people need to know your struggles.

I hope we can all access surcease from suffering.

Thanks for listening to my little TED talk. 💜🌿