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Sep 2, 2018 91 tweets 25 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Alright, so "Lost World"

I'm purposely not reading ANYTHING on the box, but I did see "4 years later" before I closed it

So the park has been abandoned for four years im assuming? And I'm hoping like a motherfucker @jeffreygoldbIum is in it

#JurassicParkLiveTweet starts NOW!
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Shit it's been a while. I'm like... A little nervous?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey is that the same island from Lost?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

UNIVERSAL PICTURES PRESENTS

big ass fuggin dino bois
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Okay so some rich fuckers are hanging out on this island. They even have that annoying "rich people" accent every rich person had in 90's movies
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I feel zero empathy for this Scrooge clan, their Butler, their yacht, and even the little girl.

DINO FOOD TIME

wait for it...
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh shit little girl is surrounded

I feel bad. I caused this.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Two things

One, when that woman screamed, I thought she was just screaming at Jeff Goldblum.

Two, JEFF FUCKING GOLDBLUM IS BACK, BITCHES
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And Jeff is some kinda pseudo celebrity? Like, niche Fame or something.

Still rocking the leather jacket though.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

God damn those kids grew up. Making me all nostalgic and shit.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Every bad guy in 90's movies had an accent, too.

Were the 90's xenophobic, or was Hollywood just a little lazy?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey the old doc dude is still alive.

Still batshit crazy as ever, too.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Dude's even carrying that staff with the amber thing on the hilt. What a legend.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

"You sent my girlfriend to Dino-Murder Island?!"

Essentially, yeah.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Ha for a split second I thought that was Vince Vaughn
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Their entire mobile command center could be condensed into a smart phone.

Technology, man.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And is that Toby from West Wing? He looks different. The only way I recognize him is because he's condescendingly explaining stuff.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Alright fuck me that's Vince Vaughn
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Stegosauruses are cool. Top tier dino.

Get the fuck outta here with that Triceratops bullshit. If it ain't Steg it's in the neg.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

No shit that's what's her face from 30 Rock with the Boston accent!

So far I recognize everyone in this movie. This is a first for me.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

This scene will have to be explained in the future

"Why did that camera click and then start whirring?"

"It was spooling up the film into the canister for development, because it can't be exposed to light"

".............. you lost me"
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey the daughter that Jeff told not to come stowed away on the voyage.

Grade A plot twist.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

"I'm the best kind of girlfriend there is: one who travels a lot"

What the fuck even is that sentence?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Thats a lot of helicopters.

And they're carrying vehicles?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Yo it's the guy from the last movie. The Hunter.

I thought he got merked by one of those velociraptors cats? No?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Why they hurt dinos

They bastard men
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Wait

Was that my second favorite actor of all time?

Hold up...
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I have to wait and see if it was
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

SHIT YES PETER STORMARE UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

God I fucking love Peter Stormare.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

RELEASE THE DINOS
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I jumped when the Triceratops crashed through the tent, which caused Arwen to bite my foot, which made me jump more, and now I'm cleaning up the glass of water she knocked over while running away.

FUCK triceratops
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Is that a baby T Rex?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And that was a big Rex scream
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Vince Vaughn just spat in someone's hand

Gross
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And there's mama Rex

Big ass bastard
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Ive had to quarantine Arwen to calm her down

She does NOT like these Rex noises
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh FUCK Rex ain't done with them yet
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

DO SOMETHING, GIRL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE

Oh fuck it's gonna fall
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh NOW she's interested.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

The sound of slowly cracking glass is infinitely terrifGOD DAMMIT VINCE DID YOU HAVE TO DROP THE THING
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Why is Toby using rope when his truck has a winch on it? Seems easier to use that...
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh that's why. He had to use it in the future for the sliding truck.

Good ESP Tobes.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Wouldn't the truck just fall down the cliff and pull the truck with

Oh

Yeah there it goes
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Dude don't gun it. Put the E brake on.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

The redhead in this movie is basically just one limitless fuck up.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Get OUTNIFNTHEETOBY
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Holy shit Toby just died a BRUTAL death.

This is on you, Red.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Why ARE THEY PLAYING TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

A man just got eat IN HALF and we're doing French horns like the fucking Batman just walked on stage.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Well... At least I know Toby isn't coming back.

This isn't like a Sirius thing where I'm going to expect him to waltz in later and save the day.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

"The greatest predator that ever lived is on this island."

Didn't know @HarveyWeinstein was on the island.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I'm also now 100% convinced Vince is gonna die in this movie, too.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Hot fuckin dog I totally forgot about Stormare

I mean, he's gonna die too. But that's what he does. And he's gonna do it damn well.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Man he can't die ALREADY
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh man I'm going to see that part with his lip getting bit off forever.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Welp I'm thinkin he's dead now.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

So whatever happened to that family at the beginning?

Like... Are they all dead? Is that a safe assumption?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

The water did the ripple thing again

This is what you'd call a call-back
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Thisnis one persistent damn T Rex.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I love the one guy shooting as he's running. It's like the guy who unloaded a full clip at Superman and then threw the gun at him afterwards.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Dude just licked Red. Kinkysaurus Rex.

And Beardy got the MEGA-MONCH because he saw a snake.

Poor decision making skills.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh shit this tall grass thing is an actual nightmare I've had.

The body count on this thing is getting astronomical.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I find it hard to believe that there are more Jurassic Park movies after this.

You'd think SOMEONE would've learned that this island is a fucking No Go.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I also feel like the Hunter is gonna die, but it's gonna be a cool death
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Raptors.

Of course.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Now we have no idea what actual dinosaurs sounded like.

What if Velociraptors actually just perpetually screamed "JEFFFFFF"

I can't prove it, but you can't prove me wrong
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Persistent little assholes

Biting through glass, digging tunnels, ramming walls...

At some point, maybe look at a salad, my guy.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

I love they have the daughter doing the bars with unnecessary flips and turns

Side note: she kicked dino ASS
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

They escaped? I feel like there's a lot more movie left...
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

This feels a little too smooth...
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Theyre gonna bust that dino out somehow. I can feel it.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

How the hell is this gonna unfold?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Loch Ness

I can feel it
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

That boat just WRECKED SHOP
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Is it Dino Boat now? Rex ate the Captain and got a a taste for sea-life?

Captain Rex.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Where the hell is dino boy?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh

There he is

Hello Mr. Saur.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Technically due to a loophole in the wet foot/dry foot immigration policy, that dinosaur is now legally an American Citizen.

Probably has already paid more taxes than Trump, too

HEY-OOOO
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Hes just mobbin around the 'burbs like it's nbd

How shitty would it be if this were like the one night you decided to try acid, and you're like "damn that's a vivid looking dinosaur"

Trauma.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

"There's a dinosaur in our back yard" -Little kid
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And we got ourselves baby dino back in the mix.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Damn, some of these people just have really shitty timing.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Police response time was just shy of two hours.

Then again, imagine being on the receiving end of that dispatch phone call.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And this is where specs dies.

His greed will be his downfall.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

SAVED THE BIGGEST MONCH FOR YOU.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Cause of death: eaten to death by a baby Rex.

At least there's an award for being the first.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

And now apparently Red is a sniper.

Good on ya.
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

That dino is now under wraps.

Okay, now I feel better about this conclusion
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

"Life will find a way"

Alternative title for this movie:

Jurassic Park 2: Jesus Christ Humans Really Suck Sometimes
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Roll credits.

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More from @ChefShwasty

Oct 8, 2018
Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

(hOLY SHIT THAT'S A LONG LINK)

It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...)
Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

Cont'd...
Arwen took it last night, and scampered off with it like a proud little huntress I went to bed, and just as soon as I was about to hit the lights, I hear the fucker short circuit

SQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK

I sprint out to the front room...

Cont'd...
Read 18 tweets
Oct 3, 2018
Let's talk about embarrassing my annoying coworker

Thanks to the combined efforts of my heroes, @vipbanaangel and @EinganaDragon, a can of surströmming is on its way (which is salt-fermented Baltic herring, and one of the nastiest things on the planet)

But here's the thing...
My coworker (henceforth known as D) is one of those tinfoil-hat wearing nut-jobs that think as soon as his face is on the internet, his identity will be stolen and the government will find him, and his life will be over

That being said, he's agreed to buckle on one account...
"I'd only be filmed if it's for a good cause"

I'm gonna get that in writing

Meanwhile, we're going to be advocating for donation "pledges" for the Oregon Foster Parent Association

This is how I've worked this out:
Read 4 tweets
Oct 1, 2018
Let's have a chat about Halloween movies

We'll do another bracket-style, and I'm thinking 16 movies:

8 Halloween classics
VS
8 scary movies

We'll let the majority decide on what the #ShwastyHalloweenSpecial is going to be, BUT there's another thing to decide (cont'd...)
And that... is the format for it

It can either be a #ShwastyLiveTweet like we're all used to

OR

It can be a live recording like what happened with @GeekGoodness

Which means you'd be able to listen to it at any time. We could also do another giveaway

BUT (more cont'd...)
There's pros and cons for each style

#ShwastyLiveTweet Pros:
-More generally accessible
-Easier to pick up and put down
-Easy to make a "best of"

Cons:
-Not as immersive
-Not as impulsive
-Not as drunk

(Cont'd...)
Read 4 tweets
Sep 11, 2018
Have you ever had that weird moment of realization that people see you?

Like, okay, hold on

You spend your entire life looking through your own eyes and moving your own limbs. You never see your facial reactions. You don't see how you walk, you just feel it.
And then you walk in front of a mirror and think, "fuck, this is what people are looking at?"

So you make a couple of the same gestures and faces in the mirror that you did with other people to see if they look weird

BUT THAT MAKES IT WEIRDER
And then you go back out and start trying to act natural like you didn't just have this exestential crisis of self and identity and are trying to play it cool

Meanwhile you're freaking out wondering if people feel the same way about their own emotive physicality
Read 5 tweets
Jul 21, 2018
#ShwastyLiveTweet of #JurassicPark starts NOW

I know this movie is about a dinosaur island, which would been a less appealing name for the movie

I don't know any of the actors in it, or ANYTHING. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something goes horribly wrong, though

HIT IT
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

I'm prepared y'all
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

This is some ominous ass music man.
Read 102 tweets
Jul 10, 2018
Have I ever told you guys about my certifiably insane coworker?
We all know that there's two ways to re-holster toilet paper, right? Over-flap and under-flap. What you think I'm about to say is that he prefers under-flap, like a monster.

Nah son. This fucking psycho leaves the roll on the FLOOR in front of the toilet in the public bathroom.
This absolute mad-man tries to invent the latin words for shit. Like, someone talks about a bug, and he'll say something like "oh yeah that's the *oricical* bug from the *orichi* phylum"

Motherfucker does it every. Fucking. Time.
Read 14 tweets

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