Thread by @SISTASinZION

👏🏿 Listen 👏🏿 Saints. We 'bout to have a whole conversation about these @LDSchurch missionary "farewells" and "homecomings". Cause somebody got to explain to me what in the Army of Helaman is happening in my church right now. THREAD /1 --Zandra

BIG farewells were before my time but I have heard the tales. Apparently back in the day they put the #LDS smack down on the missionary situation cause Saints took up entire sacrament meetings yo momma yo daddy err body in yo family would speak plus like 5 musical numbers. /2 --Z

Now you done took out a payday loan so you could have the Osmonds headline a church talk and you still gotta feed a grip of people at your house after the meeting. Saints dippin into their 401k just have enough fish and loaves to feed 5000. Yo, I heard it was wild! /3 --Z

Right, so the farewells and homecomings we got going on today, are supposedly the abridged version of all that. Say whaaat? If what I have been seeing lately is the calmed down version, Saints, a whole Liahona could have never pointed me in the right direction to plan one. /4 --Z

Farewell few weeks ago, I show up on time for church. Somebody please explain to me how by the time I found parking I was late? I parked in a row I ain't never seen before. Like I was in grass and they had spray painted white lines that's how many cars was up in there. /5 --Z

I was on time, but now I'm late. My high heels sinking into the grass, I'm mad and walking into church talking to myself like, "I pay too much tithing for this to be my life this Sabbath morning!" #FixItJesus I get in the chapel, calm down take the sacrament #ThankYouJesus /6 --Z

The worship service was wonderful. Speakers: one elder saying farewell, one elder coming home. Side note: Out of all the people in the world, I better NEVER hear a Mormon tell an immigrant to "Speak English!" or "Speak French!" or any other native language. /7 --Z

We got missionaries giving their homecoming talks & after one full-time mission these sisters and elders forgot how to speak the language they have spoken their ENTIRE EXISTENCE on the planet earth. How you forget in 2 yrs a language you been speaking for over 20? 👀 /8 --Z

Now they standing at the pulpit talking 'bout some, "¿Cómo se dice? ¿Cómo se dice..." The whole ward lookin' at them like, Are you serious right now? The word is PRIMARY You were in PRIMARY longer than you were on a mission, how you forget how to say PRIMARY in English? /8 --Z

They up there flipping through the scriptures talking 'bout, "I can only think of the Swahili word for it right now hehehe." Mish, why are you trippin'? No matter what language his name is ALWAYS NEPHI! Stop acting like you can't say NEPHI up in here today! /9 --Z

If #LDS people can pull a tower of Babel and loose a whole language in 18 months we most certainly can understand why immigrants don't pick up a new language easily. Ummkay. So now we up there at the pulpit speaking broken English and telling whack missionary stories. /10 --Z

I ain't never been to Chile in my life so why I no ALL Juan's business? Juan is living w/ his girlfriend so he can't get baptized. They didn't want to stop knocking boots even after they had the law of chastity discussion. Juan baby-mama ain't even the girl he living with /11 --Z

Why do we know Juan whole life from conception to inception? Is this missionary gon' tie this story back to Jesus? Did he get a signed release from Juan Rodrigo De La Cruz to tell his whole #LDS conversion #LifeTimeTV biopic at the pulpit this Sunday morning? /12 --Z

Unless you cool w/ the Saints from your mission having a "Homegoing" service after you leave the field y'all need to stop. Shoot, we at the pulpit talking about every ignorant thing you did & said on the mish. You hear me Elder-Sister-Becky-Brock-Tyler-Tiffani? STOP IT! /13 --Z

And look we know you LOVE the people you served They are the best people in the world. It is unnecessary for you to speak in any dialects such as "redneck" "ghetto" or "southern" for us to believe you. Do not imitate any cultural affects of the ppl. WE BELIEVE YOU ALREADY /14 --Z

Right now back to this farewell. The meeting ends, I get up from the pew turn around and peep the massive amount of people. I say to myself, "Self, chill out all these people can't be going the same place you going. They can't all be going over to the missionary house." /15 --Z

Saints myself lied to me! Do you know that whole entire chapel got up and started an Exodus? There was still 2 more hours in the 3 hour block! Who in da #LDS was supposed to be teaching Sunday School, Primary, Temple Prep? Errbody leaving, deuces ✌🏿 /16 --Z

Now I'm back outside. The parking lot look like all 2000 Strippling Warriors and their mothers who taught them, each driving their own separate minivan is trying to vacate the premises at the exact same time. We went from gospel to gridlock in one whole minute Saints! /17 --Z

What in the consecrated oil is happening! Somebody's bishop, stake president, ward greeter, relief society, look make up a calling just for farewells! BUT that ward KNOW they should've had someone there w/ cones & flags running traffic control in that church parking lot! /18 --Z

Now, I'm in my car wondering if I should just stand on the street corner and call an Uber to come get me cause I'm prolly bout to be in this parking lot forever. I joined this church to keep my behind off of street corners, 1 missionary farewell and I might be back! /19 --Z

Saints this farewell was in Utah. You know how close chapels are to people's houses in Utah? You can be in your house, stick your hand out the window, reach forward and touch your ward building. WHY in the Martin Harris Handcart Company didn't these folks walk to church?! /20 --Z

I am dead serious. If you live in Utah within 5 blocks of your chapel you don't got no business driving to church on the Sunday of a farewell. Utah Saints I'ma need y'all to channel yo ancestors & walk like the pioneer children who sang as they walked & walked & walked. /21 --Z

I had to leave a whole state. Get on a plane. Rent a car. To be sitting in bumper to bumper traffic in a parking lot with people who share a fence with the church building. What kind of sense does this make? /22 --Z

We finally out the parking lot, all these cars driving 0.8 miles to this missionary's house. Looking like a whole processional. Like we on our way to somebody's coronation. Get to the house, the parking situation is OUT OF CONTROL! Cars backed up BLOCKS from the house. /23 --Z

Now we got to run an entire #Ragnar just to get to the house. At this point I'm seriously contemplating calling the fire dept and reporting a code violation just to clear folks out cause I know all these cars and people up in this residential area ain't regulation! /24 --Z

Get to the house they got the 3 car garage plus the front door open & ppl still struggling to squeeze in. You don't know who you touching, we so close to each other trying to get through the house half of us ain't even eligible for a temple recommend no more. /25 --Z

Errbody hungry, they blessing the food, I close my eyes for the prayer. Hear amen, open my eyes. I kid you not Saints, all the food is gone. I'm like, "What in the Gadianton Robbers just happened to all them refreshments!" /26 --Z

Yo these Utah youth aint no joke! They came up in there & snatched that food like they had been training for this farewell ALL THEY LIFE! Like gettin' food at farewells is an olympic event, like you get a gold medal for snagging a brownie and some jello off the table! /27 --Z

I don't know if the Utahns started grabbing food while ppl had their eyes closed for the prayer or what. But it was clear this was not their first farewell-refreshments-rodeo. Us out of state Saints standing there lookin like the 5 out of 10 virgins w/ no oil in our lamps /28 --Z

A grip of Saints haven't eaten yet. Somebody grandma leaning on a walker lookin' like her blood sugar way too low. The missionary mom is pulling from their food storage, all in favor of calling the bishop's storehouse & hittin' up the cannery please manifest🙋🏿‍♀️ /29 --Z

I got a plate, go in the backyard where it's still mad crowded but at least it's open air. And it came to pass that there was a plethora of youth who standeth in a line. I'm looking at this long line tryna figure out if I somehow ended up at #Macklemore's mission brunch?! /30 --Z

Saints you know they was out there w/ a whole receiving line like the one's at weddings? One by one standing up w/ the missionary to each take selfies w/ him? They out there with a whole snapchat-documentary-iphone-film crew. Elder #StevenSpielberg come get yo friends. /31 --Z

3.9 hours later the receiving line is over now if you want a pic you gotta try to snag a candid we not doing formals no more. Now these extra young adults out here lying to each. I mean bold faced lies y'all. /32 --Z

Talking about how they gon' write each other every week. Listen, I know some of them. No Ma'am. They don't even text in full sentences, you speak in acronyms. LMK how you see this letter writing thing working, SMH you know what NVM, they got me ROTFL right now🤣 /33 --Z

Look at this point I can only take so much of these babies out here tryna get they last little flirtin' on for the next 2 years. I'm lookin at the sisters like I know it's hard in these YSA & MidSingles streets but you don't want these Elders yet. /34 --Z

Let these boys get to the MTC, let them miss they mamas, let them write a letter or two, see if it's even coherent. I mean some of them was out there with velcro shoes on Saints. If you not ready to tie your shoe you don't need nothing serious while you on the Mish. /35 --Z

Ppl gotta walk 10 city blocks to get back to their cars, why didn't they set-a-part somebody to do valet parking? Mish please, if this is the new low-budget farewell, it must have been INSANE before. Saints y'all did everything but raise Lazarus from the dead! /end --Zandra💕