Thread by @UchennaNG

"How much for advert?"

"100k"

"Nor worry I go give you 120"

"Oh, no problem"

"Only on one condition o"

"What's the condition please?"

"You will drink beer with me"

"Ahh, that's not a problem!"

That was how it all started!

..Oga Donatus! 😅😭

Thread!

#StoryTimeWithUche

I got up from the bed that morning with an exciting phone call & it made my Morning feel bright, as I made a move to walk towards the bathroom my phone rang again!

I checked👀

Your guess is as good as mine;

Progress!!

I ignored the call without thinking twice

"No bad energy"

As I stepped out into the living room I saw this young girl sitted half naked on my couch watching T.V., I looked around to confirm if I was in my own house;

"What's going on here?" I said out loud, "oh hello, you must be Uche I guess" this girl responds in a tiny voice

Yes

"Uchman the hitman!" Progress suddenly hailed as he came out of the guest bathroom, "how far na?" He added

"I dey!"

"Baby where are you going to?" Progress said as the girl hurried towards the kitchen, "I'm cooking soup" she replied

"Soup?!" I thought, "what's going on here?"

"When did they get into my house talk more of sleeping over and cooking soup?"

"That's my baby" progress replied as he looked at me;

"Wetin dey happen? Who be this?" I hurriedly said immediately I noticed the girl go into the kitchen, "that's my queen Beatrice" Progress replied

He then explained how they ended up in my house drunk the previous night, "who open door for you?" I asked & he said the door was open!

"I'm glad it wasn't a theif that came in" I thought as I told him he was always welcomed.

"There's food at least" I thought as I walked away..

I decided to go freshen up in readiness for the meeting I had later, I hoped that food would be ready by the time I was through.

While dressing up I heard dishes & cuttlreries clinging; I finished, went out & to my greatest surprise I saw Progress, his girl & 2 other guys eating

"What a nice meal" I thought, I decided not to disturb them & go get mine from the kitchen;

I got to the kitchen & I my discovery was shocking!

There was no food left in the pot!

I walked out angry & seeing them eat my food in my house without me made it worse

"Chai Progress"

I dried the baby tears in my eyes & decided to immediately head out for my meeting, "Guy I dey come" I said to Progress as I stepped out - "Omo this food sweet die!" Progress said as he watched me walk out

I went out feeling pain, my consolation was the beer I was anticipating!

I soon got to the address I received earlier, I called & he picked;

"Uche are you hia?"

"Yes"

"Ok just tell the security you want to see Oga donatus"

I ended the call & walked towards the gate, there was no security at the gate so I walked into the premises which was a lounge

Immediately I stepped into the compound I saw a hand wave at me from the right corner of the lounge, I looked & there was this man putting on fedora hats & sitted with 6 ladies!

"That must me be Oga Dona" I thought;

"Are you Uche? Oh yes that's you!" He said as I came closer..

Meeting with Oga Donatus & his ladies was a pleasure, I sat down with them as he introduced me to each of the ladies

The bar attendant came with my orders & i soon joined in the 'mini party', the ladies were busy with analysing photos & videos on 'Bella Naija' while we discussed

I tried to understand what was going on but the bottles of beer in front of me wouldn't let me focus, "send me your account number" Oga Donatus further added & I was sure that the Lord of favour had made me a winner!

I was wallowing in happiness when Oga Dona suddenly tapped me!

"I need your help"

"Help? With the same job?"

"No, it's something different"

"What is it Oga Dona"

"Just call me Don"

"Ok Don, how may I help you"

He explained how he needed to be somewhere & he wanted me to help "keep the girls company" for the night;

"Company?"

"Yes"

"Am I supposed to have a 7 sum? Or like a bodyguard?" I thought, "Alright ladies, Uche my friend would give you guys a blast!" Oga Dona announced & they all got excited;

He asked if I drove & I told him I didn't, "I'll pay for every expenses just help me!" He pleaded;

"Hian!"

Suddenly!! (Somebody say suddenly)

My phone rang! I looked to see who was calling;

Kezie!

"Bro how far?"

"I dey, wetin dey happen?"

"You know my EP is dropping soon"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah we're having a small party at the house o"

"Oh, perfect! I'll be there with some babes"

We soon ended the call & I turned to Oga Dona; "There's no problem, I have the perfect plan for them" I said

"The Taxi is here" one of the ladies said, "Alright ladies can we leave now" I said as I spread my arms in a show of confidence!

"Take care of my angels" Oga Dona said..

I led the way & the girls stood up & followed, I turned back to thank Oga Dona one more time & I saw him kissing one of the girls;

"Oga Dona!" I said as I shook my head, waved at him & immediately turned to head towards the taxi who was equally waving from his 2007 Toyota Camry.

"How would this car take us all?" I asked one of the girls & she said 2 of the girls wouldn't be joining us;

"Can the back seat take the other 4?"

"It should, we are all lepa"

We got into the car, said our goodbyes & at that moment I realised I had fucked up!

What am I doing?

The driver drove with the car stereo volume on 6 - low enough to understand the girls, I tried to pay attention to them but all they talked about was weddings

I brought out my headphones & plugged on some music!

.. some minutes later we arrived at Kezie's!

"We're here ladies!"

As soon as the ladies walked into an already lit party I began to have a rethink of my decisions within the last 24 hours, "how did I end up as a pimp for someone I just met?" I thought

"I better find a way to disappear from this place, it's getting late" I thought again..

Hmmm

I finally settled into the party as everywhere was looking alive, I exchanged a few pleasantries and grabbed a can of beer afterwards;

Minutes later one of the guys grabbed the Mic & tried to officially introduce Kezie to the crowd, "this would be a good time to leave" I thought

Immediately the artiste was announced I sneaked out the door & ran out of the compound, I stopped by to buy 'suya' & packs of juice & then got a taxi.

I felt relieved, "it was already dark & in no distant time I was home;

I got to my house & my door was locked from within

Ooh!

I dropped the bags I was holding & knocked; there was no response so I knocked again, minutes later the door open & I saw Progress standing in front of me wearing only boxers!

"Uchman the hitman!" He yelled, "you buy food come for us?" He added.

"Us?" I thought as I walked in..

I got in & found Beatrice sitted on the floor playing 'Play Station', "baby there's food!" Progress screamed;

"The food is not for you guys!" I 'voiced out' in anger that they were still at my house, Progress asked who owned the food & before I could reply we heard a loud knock!

"Who is that?" Progress asked, he asked if I was expecting anyone & I said no - he wanted to go open the door & I told him to go put on some clothes while I get the door

We heard another knock & I hurriedly went to open the door to my greatest surprise;

It was Oga Dona's girls!

"What are you guys doing here & how did you find me?" I asked, they stood mute for some seconds before one of them revealed that they had tailed me;

"We called Don but his number is off" another added.

"What have I done to deserve such a good day gone bad?"

"Why always me?"😢

"Wow let the ladies come in" Progress suddenly spoke from behind me, I turned back & saw Progress putting on his 'Christmas cloth' - "Wow, such a nice and handsome gentleman" one of the ladies said as they all walked in!

"Progress? Nice & Handsome gentleman?"

"Chai, This life!"

I immediately decided not to be a hater & 'joined the party', before I got inside Progress already turned on the gone theatre & was already selecting songs to play from his phone

He put on music, grabbed the bag I came home with & started to share the suya & other things I got!

"Uchman join the groove!" He said as he waved at me to come participate in a meal I'd initially bought for my personal enjoyment, "What a Day in the life of Uchenna" I sighed

I wanted to be a little humble by declining the offer but I suddenly heard the worms in my stomach bite!

"Fuck it! Let's do this!" I said to myself as I forgot about the current sorrows & remembered the joy Oga Dona's credit alert gave me earlier that day!

We ended up having a mini party & all but one of the girls turned up with us, she kept trying to reach a certain phone number!

After minutes - possibly hours of grooving, we slowed down a bit & somehow managed to get into 'gist mode'

"Baby are you still going tonight?" Progress asked his girl, "oh she's going tonight?" I internally rejoiced..

"That my uncle is a drunkard, his number hasn't been going!"

"My fiance has the same problem too, I've been trying to call him since" on of Oga Dona's girls added, before they spoke further I knew the conclusion;

They weren't going home!

I had to leave it to fate, I asked if they'd love more drinks & food

"Yes!"

I went to the kitchen..

We had a great 'mini party' that night & I was forced to open up the guest room, Progress ended up there with Beatrice!

Two 'sober' girls slept on the couch while 2 others slept on the rug, I ended up in my room to shower.

Suddenly!

(Somebody say suddenly)

#StoryTimeWithUche

I heard a knock on my door!

I noticed there was total silence but I came out of the bathroom in my towel & opened the door;

"The light has gone off" 'Julie' said, I smiled at her because she was the one I'd talked with for the most of the night..

"I'll put on the gen"

I stepped out still on my towels, the other girls were already asleep so gently put on the generator & switched over;

I came back inside & I could hear Progress screaming "give it to me baby" In the other room

"This boy sef"

I walked into my room to see a naked girl on my bed!

Ladies & gentlemen I took several bold steps in and closed the door behind me, "I know you've had dinner, but would you mind having me for night cap?"

"Where I'm from we don't reject food" I responded as I crawled into the bed

And that was the summary of my night..

M
E
K
W
E
!

I woke up to a heavy knock at about 6am the next morning! "Who could that be, by this time of the morning?" I asked as I walked out, I opened the door & had to look twice to confirm what I was seeing;

Policemen!!

"..There's a drunk man whose missing wife is believed to be here"

"Drunk man? Missing wife? Im sorry you have the wrong house" I replied as I quietly tried to make a U-turn;

"You're under arrest for kidnap!" One of the policemen said pointing his gun at me!

"He didn't kidnap me o!" One of the girls screamed from inside the house;

"Wozoldis?"

I turned to the girl to demand an explanation and she began to cry, "today is my wedding, my husband hasn't been picking up" she said as tears rolled down her cheeks;

"Today is your what?!" I screamed! "What is going on here?" Progress asked as he came out of the room..

He had just boxers on & his girl was fully dressed & made up - "Today's my uncle's wedding, it was nice to meet you girls" she said as she walked past us & the policemen

"Gentlemen let's all head to the station, we would understand better when we get there" a policeman then said

"Today is your wedding day?" I turned to the girl surprisingly, "we would not be calm one more time, let's go to the station!" One of the policemen said;

"Anybody who needs an explanation can join us" Another added

That was how we all ended up at the police station that morning

As soon as I entered inside the police station I saw Oga Dona! "What's going on here?" I asked the policemen, they told me he was the man who came to file a missing persons report

"That's my husband!" One of his girls dramatically screamed running into the police station.

"My baby! My baby!!" Oga Dona exclaimed as he saw his 'wife'...

I still did not understand what was going on, I looked at the policeman & demanded an explanation!

"What the hell is going on here?!" Progress kept shouting & I told him to calm down;

"No! I need an explanation!"

By this time the other girls have all come into the station & they corroborated the rumour we were hearing;

"Today is their wedding" one of the girls said to me, "yesterday was our ladies night & thank you for making it interesting" she added..

"Ladies night? Interesting? How?"

"Donatus! Donatus!!" One man dressed in an all black suit ran into the police station looking anxious;

We later found that Oga Dona & one of the girls named Elizabeth was supposed to get married that morning, they had lodged in a nearby hotel & Mercy was new in Lagos..

Oga Dona had gone to his "bachelor's eve" with some friends & he got drunk & fell asleep on the road close to a Police station, when he was found early that morning he reported that he couldn't find his wife

"I sent your house address to his phone" Elizabeth said

"Really? How?"

Elizabeth then explained how she had spotted me leaving Kezie's house, went to call Julie who was already at a corner with a guy she met there - they found me when I was about to take a taxi, & got a taxi to tail me home.

.."It was the cab man that told me the address" she said.

I wanted to turn to Julie to ask her who she was with the previous night before me but we had more pressing issues, "what's the time?!" Oga Dona finally exclaimed as he got up from the floor!

"Uche what are you doing here, what is going on?!" He shouted

"Oga Dona calm down!"

We soon settled everything & it was time for everyone to leave, Oga Dona & his bride hurried to their hotel which was around the corner while the other ladies went behind them

"Let me have your number" I said to Julie

"Ok"

I dipped my hand in my pocket I couldn't find my phone

"I must have left it at home" I said, I took Progress's phone & dialled her number with it. She asked if I would come for the wedding & I said I'd try

"Just come for the reception later at the hotel"

"Alright no problem"

We finally went separate ways, I went home with Progress

I got home & still couldn't find my phone, I searched the whole house & it was still nowhere to be found.

"My watch o! My watch o!" Progress screamed as he pounced out of the guest room, I asked what the Problem was & he said his uncle's watch was missing.

"Beatrice o!!"

"Are you sure those girls are both thieves?" I went back inside my room & realised my laptop was gone too 😭

"Chai! Who have I offended?" I wailed..

After few minutes of wailing we calmed down to check where we went wrong, I asked Progress where he met Beatrice;

"For Bus park"

He explained how he took his uncle's car to receive an item that was sent with a night bus at Jibowu, he met her there & she explained how she was trying to locate her uncle's house.

They ended up at my house & she decided to spend one more night & "go to his wedding from here".

"Progress has killed me! So those big bags she carried were filled with my properties?!"

I sat down on the floor because I knew my life was over, blaming him wouldn't solve the problem so I started to think of a way out.

I asked if he had the address of the wedding & he said no

After hours of seeking for solution I decided that I has to result to fate, "so those things are gone?" I murmured?

"Chai!" Progress snapped & I asked him to calm down, "wetin loss dun loss" I said

"No be the things wen she thief dey do me" he replied, "I dey hungry!" He added.

He went to the kitchen & came out complaining that there was no food, I was startled because I'd recently restocked my kitchen

I went to confirm; lo and behold my kitchen was empty!

No food, all of it had been cooked and eaten in less than 48 hours!

"Oh Lord, why me?"

We resulted to fate for that day - food gone, phones and other gadgets gone!

.. "how far the wedding?" Progress asked in the middle of the silence, we looked at each other & smiled

"Jollof rice!"

We finally agreed to attend the wedding as a consolation..

We went to get ready!

We got dressed & called Julie with Progress's phone, she picked & directed us to the venue - luckily they were already at the hotel for the reception.

We found our way there & in no distant time we were there, I met up with Julie & she took us to their table & got us seats..

"They're bringing your food" Julie said; looking at Progress & I in the eye, she looked behind us signalling us to turn back

I turned back to my greatest surprise!!!

I couldn't believe what I saw..

"There was Beatrice standing with tray of food for Progress & I"

"You again?!"

"So you think you can steal from us and escape?!" Progress yelled & the whole hall turned towards our table, Beatrice dropped the tray in front of us & began to tremble!

She suddenly knelt down beside us & started to plead, shortly after she knelt down I notice a man walk close.

I looked up & it was one of the policemen from before who came to make sure we were fine, Progress immediately recognised him & reported Beatrice to him!

"Sir! She's a criminal, she stole our properties" Progress said, "is that so?" The policeman asked Beatrice & she nodded!

The policeman quietly directed us out of the hall & the wedding reception continued, Beatrice took us to her bag & brought out all she stole including my laptop which had managed to fit into her bag

She immediately started to cry & beg we don't report to her brother - Oga Dona..

"So Oga Dona is your brother? Then why are you stealing?!" I asked & she continued to cry, "It's the devil" she said..

After minutes of pleading we told the policeman to let her go so we could return to enjoy the wedding..

And to eat that Jollof too!

"If you say so" He replied

We settled" the issue and finally went back to the wedding, we spent the rest of the evening together & I made up my mind to as Julie back to my house that evening..

Until..

I got a call from Kezie!

I picked, he thanked me for the previous night;

"That Julie babe sweet die!"

I asked what he meant & he said he had a 'quick one' with one of the girls I brought with, "her name na Julie" he'd said!

I told him it was fine, I ended the call & turned to Julie

"What happened last night?" I asked

"You stayed less than 20 minutes & you'd fallen for Kezie?"

"Uhm uhm".. she stuttered;

"That's okay, party over!"

I walked to Oga Dona, congratulated him, said my goodbyes to everybody, thanked the policeman for helping us recover our properties & left for my house!

...
TO GOD BE THE GLORY

THE END

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