my 💙 is a robot Profile picture
Sep 13, 2018 16 tweets 7 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Let's talk about suicide. I know it's not fun. But we need to talk about it. I am someone with lived experience. I've lived through those moments when it was almost too much to bear and I searched for methods and wrote out plans. Yet I am still here.

#SuicidePrevention THREAD
I'm glad I'm alive. There have been plenty of days when I didn't feel that way. So it's kind of like a gift. Part of the beauty in this is that I know other people are glad I'm here, too. Probably none of them knows how difficult the journey has been.

Depression is a monster that lives under your bed, crawls out every morning as you eat breakfast, watches from the mirror as you brush your teeth, talks in your ear like a ceaseless prayer in reverse as you try to go about your day.

Depression is a time machine that unexpectedly carries you back to your most painful memories so you can feel them all over again for the first time.

#DepressionIsReal #Anxiety #SuicidePrevention
Depression wears you like a mask, makes everyone think everything is alright. Underneath is a turbulent storm of self-hatred, persistent feelings of inadequacy, and shame.

For a long time, depression and anxiety felt like a:
- Parasitic twin living inside me.
- Permanent wound that would never heal.
- Constant, frantic search for something to make it better.

Depression and anxiety carried the weight of 1,000 voices telling me how terrible I was followed by me setting out to prove them right. And I usually did.

In order to love myself, I had to be someone that I could love.

Even now when I hear that people like me, the response that automatically plays in my head is, "Why?"

Then I remind myself. It's a constant struggle against the enemy within.

Age 11: Begin faking sick because the anxiety of school feels overwhelming.
Age 21: Seek treatment, think a diagnosis and magic pills mean I'm all better.
Age 31: Realize that I'm not all better.
Age 37: Invest in therapy for real for the first time.

A lot happened in between those age markers: moves, layoffs, divorces, suicidal thoughts. I brought people into my broken world expecting them to fix it only to break those relationships in the end. Nobody was going to fix me but me.

Somehow, I made it through. I was scared to die, to hurt those I cared about. So I wrote away my pain. I sang along to songs that showed the beauty underneath. I searched for and found reasons to stay alive, no matter how small. Finally, I asked for help.

What works for me doesn't work for everyone. Hell, it doesn't always work for me. But one thing we all have in common:

We all must be willing to fight for ourselves, and we are all worth fighting for.

If you stop fighting, you start dying.

No matter what is happening in your life, suicide is not the answer. There is help. There is hope. You are not alone. I've been there. So many others have been there, too. You only have to talk to one person; tell someone what's going on.

I care about you. And I probably don't even know you! So I know I'm not the only one. You matter in this world. No matter who you are, where you are, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Live with these words. Carry them with you.

If you or anyone you know is thinking about suicide, please talk to someone. You have so much to offer this world. The world has so much to offer you. Stay here and know that you are not alone.


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