Thread by @GrumbleButtNews

Sometimes it takes us awhile to come to terms with our past.

Sometimes it takes years.

Sometimes it takes decades.

Fairly recently, I found myself having to reckon with my own past.

1/
#DearProfessorFord

I accidentally opened the lid on a box hidden deep in my brain and examined the memories inside.

It took me by surprise, and I couldn't get the lid back on quick enough to stop myself.

I saw it.

Raw.

Unfiltered.

3/
#DearProfessorFord

The box I had been keeping it on melted away.

There was nowhere left to hide it.

The memories just washed over me.

I found myself seeing what happened to me with new eyes.

Older eyes.

Wiser eyes.

4/
#DearProfessorFord

I discovered that I had created a narrative in my mind to conceal a truth from myself.

Because, for a number of reasons, I just couldn't accept that what *really* happened *happened*.

5/
#DearProfessorFord

I knew his name once, and I feel certain I know it still.

But, for some reason, my brain has not yet allowed me to bring it to the forefront of my thoughts.

I remember his face, though.

6/
#DearProfessorFord

I remember the feel of his unshaven face and the sweaty smell of him.

I remember the white Izod tennis shorts and the striped Izod polo shirt with the alligator logo coming loose that he was wearing.

7/
#DearProfessorFord

I remember how we knew each other.

I remember where we were.

I remember every detail of how *it* happened.

I remember the bruises that lingered for days.

8/
#DearProfessorFord

And yet, for decades, I was able to classify it in my mind as one thing when it was really another.

And so, for over 30 years, no one knew what happened that morning but me and him.

9/
#DearProfessorFord

Until recently.

When I finally, FINALLY, told my wife about it and called it what it was.

I called it what it was for the very first time.

I said it out loud for the very first time.

After 30 years.

10/
#DearProfessorFord

Now I'm working on coming to terms with it.

I'm trying to re-heal an injury that healed all wrong the first time and is covered in scar tissue.

But I'm trying.

11/
#DearProfessorFord

I never thought I would ever say a public word about it.

I even started building a barricade of judgment in my mind composed of all the reasons it was best kept silent.

12/
#DearProfessorFord

Yet, here I am, in the middle of the night, writing this to share with you.

Because what happened to Dr. Blasey Ford happened to many of us.

Too many of us.

13/
#DearProfessorFord

And many of us dealt with it the exact same way that she did.

By telling ourselves it didn't happen.

Or that it was our fault for putting ourselves in a bad situation.

14/
#DearProfessorFord

Or because we had failed to see the danger that someone who pretended to be a friend really was.

Or because we felt it somehow made us weak that this had happened.

15/
#DearProfessorFord

Or that we were somehow at fault because we *allowed* it to happen.

Or that people would think less of us if they knew.

Or, worse, pity us.

16/
#DearProfessorFord

There is no dictated path that someone who has suffered these assaults should follow.

Our memories sometimes hide to protect us.

17/
#DearProfessorFord

Our grief about what happened to us sometimes courses a slow path through time before it can be acknowledged and shared.

Or even recognized.

So...I understand Dr. Blasey Ford.

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#DearProfessorFord

I understand how she arrived at where she is.

I understand why she reacted like she did.

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#DearProfessorFord

I understand how she found a way to allow herself to go on without deep examination of the experience for so long.

20/
#DearProfessorFord

What I don't understand is people feeling like they can dissect her truth and then disregard it because it doesn't meet their standard of how someone should conduct themself after such an incident.

21/
#DearProfessorFord

I don't understand how so many, particularly those who have never experienced such a thing, can sit so high yet look so low.

22/
#DearProfessorFord

But I am definitely remembering why I simply chose to keep my mouth shut and carry on all those years ago.

23/
#DearProfessorFord

Because it terrifies me just as much now to reveal what little I have here as the thought of revealing it did way back then.

And it shouldn't be that way.

24/
#DearProfessorFord

So I am sharing it, in part, to kill that terror.

I am sharing it so others know they aren't alone.

I am lucky that I don't have to convince anyone that what I know happened *happened*.

25/
#DearProfessorFord

There will never be any criminal charges.

He will never be nominated to be a Supreme Court Justice.

Hell, for all I know the bastard is dead and gone.

26/
#DearProfessorFord

I just feel like it is important for me to stand meekly and with trepidation alongside so many of my far braver sisters who have felt compelled to tell *their* stories in the wake of Dr. Blasey Ford courageously stepping forward.

27/
#DearProfessorFord

Me too.

Me. Too.

28/end
#DearProfessorFord

PS - A Twitter roll of this thread is pinned to the top of my feed.