Thread by @LadyHawkins

It's Tuesday, so welcome to Part II of #SexyHistory! Today we'll be discussing James VI/I, and how X-Treme Thirst nearly got him killed!

Okay, first off, NOMENCLATURE which is not sexy (OR IS IT???) (It is not.) James is James VI of Scotland, becomes James I of England.

But we're sticking with James VI because that's who he was when this all happened, Elizabeth I was still alive and killin' it in England.

So last week, we touched on the problem of Babby Kings, and James VI? HE WAS A BABBY KING.

But here's the deal- Scotland had had Babby Kings (and one Babby Queen) FOR-F***ING-EVER. Like, an entire kingdom, ruled by freaking Babbys.

James VI comes to the throne in 1567 at 1 year old. Last time a Grown-Ass Man became king of Scotland? 1390.

THIRTEEN! NINETY!!!

Like, James is the VI James of Scotland, obvs, and LITERALLY ALL THOSE OTHER JAMESES BEFORE HIM, JAMESES I-V, are babbys.

As was James's mom, Mary Queen of Scots, who will get her own Sexy History eventually because WHOO BOY.

Here, this part was all about Babbys, and Babbys aren't sexy, so have a dude in a kilt.

The problem with having literally generations of Babby Kings is that it creates *Jean-Ralphio voice* A POOOOWWWWER VAAACCCUUUUM!

And when you factor in Scotland's clannish family politics, you end up with a Noble Class that is FOREVER like smol and ready to brawl.

WHICH IS WHERE OUR BOY JAMES VI COMES IN, AND THIS HAPPENS:

So James is chilling as King of Scotland, really hoping he's gonna be King of England, too, and getting himself a bunch of boyfriends.

AS YOU DO. He's married to a lady and has kids and all, and he likes her, but James VI is hella gay, and it's great.

(BTW, super fun thing to do to Religious Homophobes is to tell them how the King James of the King James Bible was Hella Gay.)

ANYWAY! Everyone knows that James likes Hot Dudes, WHO CAN BLAME HIM, and then this one guy, Gowrie, is all, "I SHALL MAKE A HOT DUDE TRAP!"

Luckily for Gowrie, he has perfect Hot Dude Bait in that he has....a HOT YOUNGER BROTHER! Alexander! Played in this thread by Sam Heughan.

Gowrie is the Earl of Ruthven, and he is WILD. Like, he went to Padua University to study law...AND NECROMANCY. What a double major!

And years ago, his dad had kidnapped James VI because see again, RE: Noble Class out of control, so he was all, "GONNA TRY THAT AGAIN!"

(Gowrie's reasons for kidnapping James are the usual mix of religion/power/Toxic Masculinity we find in the 15th century, i.e., NOT SEXY.)

SO! Gowrie's Hot Younger Brother comes up to James as they're out riding one day, and is all, "Hey boy, hey." James is into it, obvs.

They go back to the Gowrie house, and James's men are like, "Sigh," because they've spent a lot of time hanging out while their boss scores.

NOW! James, like everyone who's made a bad decision based on X-Treme Thirst, will eventually tell a DIFFERENT VERSION OF THIS STORY.

He'll say Young Alexander came up to him and was all, "I SAW A JESUIT SPY BURYING GOLD LIKE A LEPRECHAUN WANNA CHECK IT OUT?"

And, I mean, WHAT COULD HE DO but go see this Jesuit Leprechaun I ask you??? But that story makes like no sense, whereas Chasin' The D does.

Also, when James and Alexander went upstairs and disappeared FOR HOURS, all his guards were very "*shrug*" about it. BECAUSE COME ON.

Except one guy in James's entourage was VERY NOT SHRUG. His name was John Ramsay, and he was James's current boyfie.

Like all of us who think their man is messing around with someone else, John Ramsay was ON EDGE that afternoon. Which is a good thing!

Because James has by now slaked that thirst, and is all, "So this was fuuuuuuuun, send me a raven sometime!" or whatever.

But Alexander is supposed to hold him there in the bedroom so that his brother and his men can either kidnap/murder James.

So he, like, lunges at James to hold onto him, and James, thinking he has a Stage Five Clinger, is all, "What the actual f***???"

So he yells, and John Ramsay, Jealous Boyfie, IS PREPARED! He runs up the stairs WITH A FREAKING HAWK ON HIS WRIST.

He'd been looking at said hawk, DIDN'T EVEN TAKE IT OFF when he heard his Royal Boyfriend be all, "HALP!"

FREAKING.

HOT.

For the purposes of this thread, John Ramsay will now be portrayed by Kit Harington's Rolling Stone cover.

John Ramsay bursts into the bedroom to find James struggling with Alexander. James yells out that Alexander is wearing an extra doublet.

(This is like the 17th century version of a bullet proof vest, and James KNEW what Alexander was wearing because they'd Gotten Bizzay.)

So John, presumably with hawk STILL ON WRIST, stabs Alexander and pushes him down some stairs, where OTHER dudes finish him off.

This is my favorite part, btw. Those other guys on the stairs didn't really know what was happening, but damn, might as well stab this dude!

So Alexander dies being all, "I HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF THIS PLOT!" which...seems suspect, but maybe he was the Hot But Dumb Type, Idk.

POUR ONE OUT FOR OUR SEXY DEAD HONEYPOT, Y'ALL.

So NOW, in the midst of the Sex and Murder and Hawking Bonanza, Gowrie comes in 10 minutes late WITHOUT STARBUCKS.

His hot brother is dead, the king is not kidnapped or murdered, there's a bunch of dudes with swords, HIS PLAN HAS REALLY GONE TITS UP.

Pictured: Gowrie.

Oh, but TOO BAD FOR YOU, GOWRIE, because in a VERY Romeo and Juliet moment, some confused person yelled out that James VI was dead.

And John Ramsay- SWEET, NOBLE, TWITTERPATED JOHN RAMSAY- and his Hawk Friend are all, "I CURSE YOU STAAAAARS!" and MURDER GOWRIE.

So now Gowrie is dead, too, and his plan to lure James VI into a kidnapping/murder just got him and his brother stabbed 9,000 times.

James VI, however, got laid, NOT murdered, and had his Hot Hawking Boyfie prove his love with violence. Pictured: James

Also, the WHOLE PLAN would've probably worked had James not been one to Hit It and Quit It. His desire to GTFO threw off ALL the timing.

And this is why Kidnapping With Sex is a very delicate operation, even for Lawyer Necromancers. NOT POURING ONE OUT FOR YOU, GOWRIE.

In conclusion, let's hear it for James! Yes, he thought with his wang, but his wang also saved him via his loyal boyfie. The Circle of Wang.

ET FIN. THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME ON ANOTHER EDITION OF SEXY HISTORY, HERE'S MORE KILTS.