Thread by @LadyHawkins

Happy Tuesday, all! Shall we begin #SexyHistory? Today we're gonna be talking about Isabella, "The She-Wolf of France."

First of all, "She-Wolf" is a freaking awesome thing to be called. You know it. I know it. Shakira knows it.

The term's been attached to Isabella for ages, and also to Margaret of Anjou, another French-born English queen no one liked.

But only dudes would think that was an insult because there are no women in my life I would not call a She-Wolf, tbh. I'm With She-Wolves.

BUT WHY DID ISABELLA GET THIS MONIKER? The same reason dudes have been hating ladies for ages: She Got Sh*t Done (And Also Got Hers.)

HOWEVER! When we first meet Isabella, she is a mere she-cub, only 12 years old and being sent to marry Edward II of England.

(For the purposes of this thread Isabella is, at this stage, played by Taylor Swift back when she liked glittery dresses and cowboy boots.)

But even at her wedding, there are already signs that This Marriage Cannot Be Saved. Because Edward has this dude, Piers Gaveston.

Piers, like most men with that name, is A Bit of A Dick. (#NotAllPierses, I am sure.) And he sits with Edward at the wedding feast.

Now at this stage, we have to address the most important academic query any historian can face: Were They Smashing or Nah??

And the answer isssss..... we don't really know! I mean, some people will be like, "OBVIOUSLY EDWARD AND PIERS WERE HITTING IT!"

And some people are like, "MAYBE THEY WERE JUST REALLY CLOSE BROS! MAYBE MALE FRIENDSHIP WAS MORE INTIMATE IN THE 1200s!!"

But whether Edward and Piers were hitting it or not, the main point is Edward liked Piers more than anyone and Piers sucked.

Piers upstages Isabella at her own coronation, AND Edward gave him her jewels, which is probably when Isabella starts writing "Bad Blood."

BUT WE'RE NOT QUITE THERE YET. Isabella is, at this point, still, like, Fearless-Era T-Swift. She actually tried to work with Piers.

Because it's always smart to team up with your husband's maybe-boyfie if you can! That's just good life advice! HOWEVER!

Like, EVERYONE HATES EDWARD II SO MUCH. His nobles hate him, the Scots hate him, France hates him, he just CANNOT! CATCH! A BREAK!

(He doesn't really deserve one though because he's a sh*tty king and he keeps doing stuff like giving his faves lands and titles.)

(Which, to be fair, all kings did, but his faves were real b-holes, and that was an issue.)

SO! There's all sorts of fighting on all sorts of levels, constant war with the Scots, Piers out of control, nobles being dicks, etc.

AND THEN PIERS GETS MURDERED. He finally Dicks Too Hard (not like that) (maybe like that, idk), and the English nobles kill him.

And Isabella, even though she'd been okay with Piers, is like, "Whew," and decides to enter her Red-era. Pictured: Isabella and Edward II.

She and Edward have 4 kids, things are going okay, his nobles still hate him and all, but Isabella does what she can behind the scenes.

AND HOW IS SHE REPAID????

By Edward getting a new Maybe-Boyfie.

I KNOW.

This new Maybe Boyfie is Hugh Despenser, and if he were alive now, I'd call him, "Pez," which is a less a scathing insult, more a bad pun.

That probably doesn't even work because of the pronunciation, but WHATEVER, HE IS THE WORST AND THIS IS MY THREAD, SO PEZ IT IS.

Okay, so ol' Pez here is as dickish as Gaveston, but has an extra helping of Brutal and Violent, and Isabella is SUPER NOT COOL WITH HIM.

One thing for your husband to have Maybe Boyfies, but with then Maybe Boyfie is basically Ramsay Bolton, LINES MUST BE DRAWN.

Also, Edward once again gives lots of sh*t to him, including properties that belong to Isabella. 1989 Era Isabella FULLY ARRIVES NOW.

Sometimes people frame it like Isabella was sad Edward loved a dude, not her, but really he just f***ed with her real estate portfolio.

And as all ladies know, for that, a man must pay. (Also he was making it harder to see her kids, so, like, that.)

Around this time, France is pissed off with England again because that's a constant state of being that carries on today, pretty sure.

Isabella's brother is king of France, so Isabella is all, "UM, I SHOULD GO THERE. FOR DIPLOMACY. AND....STUFF."

And because Edward is not all that sharp, he's like, "Sounds legit, surely you're not going to plot my downfall over there!"

Except Isabella shows up in France and starts laying out grievances and WEARING WIDOW'S WEEDS WHICH IS SO EXTRA I LOVE IT.

Now, France has become a gathering spot for lots of disaffected English nobles including Sexy Beast Roger Mortimer.

Roger Mortimer is a Marcher Lord who USED to fight for Edward, but then became Yet Another Dude Eddie Pissed Off.

Roger had been thrown in prison, but drugged some guards and escaped like the f***ing boss he was, so now he's in France.

For the purposes of this thread, Roger will be played by Idris Elba.

(Like all women want to be called She-Wolves, we also all want to plot royal takeovers with Idris Elba, this is just History Science.)

So there's Isabella at the French court in her mourning clothes, she sees Roger, and it's all:

So THE SEXY PART OF THIS SEXY HISTORY ARRIVES. Isabella, Queen of England, starts an affair with Roger Mortimer.

H

O

T

And the sex is so rad one assumes that it leads to a plot to overthrow Isabella's husband and take over a country.

(This is why we cast Idris Elba as Roger because, I mean, you get it, right? I'd take over my neighborhood if he just looked at me.)

SO! They START A PLOTTIN'! First things first, Isabella gets Edward to send their teenage son, Soon To Be Edward III (spoilers?) to France.

And then she KEEPS HIM THERE! And betroths to Phillipa of Hainault who's dowry is AN ARMY. Most people just get gravy boats!

So Isabella, Roger, and Soon To Be Edward III (who is not QUITE a Babby King, but still not A Grown Ass Man) go back to England.

Isabella is clearly now at Reputation Era T-Swift, and the boats sail into the harbors blasting "Look What You Made Me Do." #HistoricalFact

"I'm sorry, the old Isabella can't come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, CUZ SHE'S DEAD."- Isabella of France, 1326.

It takes them no time to snatch power from Edward II because everyone wants to give things to Idris Elba, panties, hearts, kingdoms...

(Or because everyone hated Edward, and they had a viable option with Not A King, Not Still a Babby Edward III. WHICHEVER.)

So HELL YEAH HELL YEAH ISABELLA IS BACK ON TOP, BABY! Her son is king, her husband is in prison, and she's got her OWN Hot Boyfie.

But.

It does not last. And I know you're all asking the same question:

And the answer IS!

Edward III who, like most teenage boys, does not want his mom to get her swerve on.

(Also, Roger kind of sucks and is basically doing the same thing Gaveston and Pez Despenser did before, and Edward III is all, "Dammit.")

So Isabella and Roger are living it up, spending lavishly, having a SUPER SWEET TIME, and here comes Emo Teen King to f*** it up.

Edward III has Mortimer arrested and eventually hanged and takes control of his own kingdom. POUR ONE OUT FOR OUR SEXY MARCHER LORD.

(Oh, should probably add Edward II mysteriously died in prison, and the assumption is Mortimer had him killed, possibly with Isabella's OK.)

(So, like, Edward III was not JUST moody about his mom as A Sexual Being, but also his dead dad. Very Hamlet, all of it.)

(ALSO also, we're not getting into the rumors about the CAUSE of Edward II's murder because they're icky for a number of reasons.)

(POINT IS HE AND PEZ DESPENSER GOT KILLED, although there are theories Edward II escaped and just wandered the land as a Boho Chill Dude.)

So Edward III, by now married and very much wanting to be His Own Big Boy King is like, "Mom, thanks, but maybe go, like, chill somewhere?"

She's under house arrest for a bit, but it's in a castle, so, you know, NOT TOO SHABBY, and then eventually, she lives The Good Life.

Still spends lavishly, gets close to her grandkids (of which there are MANY, which becomes An Issue about 100 years later.)

Basically, Isabella spends the rest of her days in 14th Century Golden Girls Style, which, let's be honest, SHE DESERVED.

When she dies, she's buried in her wedding cape which she'd saved for over 50 years. She was around 62-63, so GOOD FULL LIFE for 1300s!

Her son was a good king with a long reign, and ousting Edward II was probably the best thing for everyone, AND YET!

She's forever painted as this femme fatale, like all women who just wanna be hot AND efficient. Like, g*ddamn, CAN'T A BITCH STAGE A COUP?

So pour one out for Isabella, She-Wolf of France, another woman vilified for just getting sh*t done after some dude screwed the pooch.

In conclusion, again, I'm With She-Wolves. Shakira and I thank you for your time. ET FIN.

Oh! For Further Reading! Dan Jones's THE PLANTAGENETS, Ian Mortimer's THE GREATEST TRAITOR, Alison Weir's ISABELLA, SHE-WOLF OF FRANCE.