PETER ALEXANDER: Mr. President, in the wake of this global pandemic, a worried nation turns to you for guidance. How would you put their minds at ease?
MONKEY: (flings poop)
PETER ALEXANDER: HEY!
R: The liberal media is so divisive
DAY 1160
R: The global pandemic is the Democrats’ fault, because they distracted the Poop-Flinging Monkey with impeachment
D: But he never attended any of the hearings
R: Doesn’t matter; still distracted
D: But
R: Democrats’ fault, times infinity
MONKEY: (flings poop)
DAY 1163
R: First, the media exaggerates the pandemic. Then, they claim the Poop-Flinging Monkey is unprepared. Then, they attack the President with “Gotcha” questions. Then, they cackle with glee when people die!
Donald Trump is a horrifying sack of congealed urinal sewage with zero, repeat, ZERO redeeming qualities and 62 million of you fucks thought he should be our President
R: I know he’s a horrifying sack of congealed urinal sewage, but the Democrats murder babies & will take my guns away
D: But the Democrats don’t—
R: I won’t be brainwashed by the liberal media! (Hammers HORRIFYING SACK OF CONGEALED URINAL SEWAGE campaign sign on lawn)
R: First, they ignore the horrifying sack of congealed urinal sewage. Then, they mock the horrifying sack of congealed urinal sewage. Then, they fight the horrifying sack of congealed urinal sewage. Then...
- convince voters that Democrats hate the troops, hate the flag, hate cops, kill babies & are coming for your guns
- the above is not really true, but say it anyway
- never fact-check
- never apologize
- blame Democrats for not being sufficiently respectful
@realDonaldTrump TRUMP: FAKE NEWS! WITCH HUNT! THE MEDIA IS UNFAIR! WHAT ABOUT OBAMA? HILLARY DID BAD THINGS TOO! PEOPLE LOVE ME! THE FBI IS CORRUPT! JOBS, JOBS, JOBS! SOYBEANS!
R: This is fine
D: Trump sounds incompetent & guilty as hell
R: Do I detect a touch of TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME?
@realDonaldTrump I’m beginning to suspect that people who insist that CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Guardian, Snopes, Politifact, and the Department of Justice are all biased in the exact same way aren’t really going to be receptive to opposing views
FOX: YARRRRRRRGH BENGHAZI SHARIA MUSLIMS MS-13 DEEP STATE ANTIFA IMMIGRANTS HILLARY HILLARY HILLARY BOOGA BOOGA
@realDonaldTrump D: So, to summarize, Trump held secret meetings to collect hacked intel from the Russians & lied nonstop about it for two years, doing everything in his power to discredit the media & the Federal Department of Justice to save his own skin
R: You’re just mad you lost the election
@realDonaldTrump TRUMP: FAKE INVESTIGATION! WITCH HUNT! SURE, I
CAN PARDON MYSELF, BUT WHY WOULD I DO THAT? HA HA HA! I’M NOT GUILTY OF ANYTHING! BUT JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR, I ABSOLUTELY CAN PARDON MYSELF