Thread by @LadyHawkins

GOOD MORNING, TWITTER! #SexyHistory Tuesday IS UPON US, gird thy loins and such! Today's Topic: James II: Royal F*ckboi.

So every Tuesday, when history STOPS getting polite, and STARTS getting real- er, sexy- people bring up Charles II. BECAUSE OF COURSE.

Charles II is, like, PATRON SAINT of Sexy History, which is why I'm NOT doing a bit on him. For one, it would be a 10 part series.

Like, he did so many sexy historical things, y'all. Just...so many. And for ANOTHER, I like bringing you PERHAPS UNKNOWN stories.

HOWEVER! Charles II plays a part in his own brother's Sexy History today! (Not like that.)

OKAY. So it's the 1640s. England is the midst of what would later be referred to by historians as "A Not Super Chill Time."

Charles I (son of James I, our Hot Boyfie Loving Near-Assassination Victim in Sexy History Part II) has been deposed by Cromwell.

(We're not getting into all that because the entire point of Cromwell is that he's NOT sexy, so get rekt, Cromwell, NO PLACE FOR YOU HERE.)

Charles I's son (soon to be Charles II, SPOOOIIIILLLLLER) has already hauled ass to Europe like the sexy scoundrel he is.

(Also he didn't want to get imprisoned/killed.) His younger brother, James, is being held by parliament, but ESCAPES! Dressed as a GIRL!

Which is fairly amazing, I think we can all agree. James is around 12 at the time, and he skedaddles over to his Sexy Bro there in Europe.

Two years later, their dad, Charles I, is executed, and the Royal Bros are all, "Well, f***," and it looks like LIFE IN EXILE A-GO-GO.

So Charles and James hang out in various courts for the next ten years, basically being The Hemsworth Brothers of Europe.

NOW! Their SISTER, Mary, is the widowed princess of a Dutch prince (aren't we all?), and she's chilling in the French court (aren't we all?)

With Mary is this dude Edward Hyde who'd been an adviser to Charles I, but clearly sucked at that because Charles I now has no head and all.

And Edward's DAUGHTER, Anne, is with him, and James probably meets her there in France, and is all, "hey girl hey."

But nothing really comes of that, and James is basically in a CONSTANT STATE of "Hey Girl Hey," much like his older brother.

Two years pass, Anne is now 18 and living in Holland as one of Princess Mary's ladies. James comes to his sister's palace to visit.

James likes Anne A LOT. But not, like, a MARRYING lot, like a Hit It and Quit It Lot.

But Anne is a smart girl who knows how to Work The System, so for the purposes of this thread, Anne will now be played by Kim Kardashian.

So James is like, "Let me sleep on in, baby, baby," etc., and Anne is like, "If you like then you gotta put a ring on it," and it's A THING.

So FINALLY! James is all, "I FORMALLY PROMISE TO MARRY YOU, here's a Pink Ice Cubic Zirconia Promise Ring," and they Totally Do It.

BUT AGAIN! REMEMBER! James is the younger brother of the Would-Be King! He's a Royal Duke! Anne is a Kardashian!

And things are about to get, to use a serious historical term, HELLA MORE FRAUGHT for The Brothers Stuart.

So by now, it's 1660, and everyone in England is like, "Y'all, I miss, like, lace and theater and also not having these a**holes in charge."

So the English Parliament reaches out to Charles II, and is all, "Will you accept this rose, um, crown, and be our king?"

And Charles II gets his super sweet surfboard and surfs back into England, obvs.

OKAY BUT NOW!! James II isn't just an exiled royal, he's brother to the KING, and he's promised to marry waaaaay beneath him, OOOOPS.

SO OF COURSE! Because we know how Sexy History and also biology works, Anne Hyde is pregnant. And no one knows about her and James.

Anne's dad is all, "EVERYTHING'S COMING UP US!", starts making plans to find her an appropriate husband, and James is all, "About that..."

Anne's dad is SHOOK. Charles II is SHOOK. Samuel Pepys is SHOOK. (Samuel Pepys is always shook, though, he has a whole diary about it.)

This is what Pepys said about James marrying Anne/knocking her up: "it's as if a man should sh*t in his hat, then clap it on his head."

Like, WOW, PEPYS, NO NEED TO GO THAT HARD. But eventually, Charles II is like, "Okay, whatever, bro, marry your pregnant side-piece."

But Anne's dad DID NOT KNOW they were getting married. Maybe because they literally hold the wedding in the middle of the damn night.

NOTHING SAYS, "THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE," than tying the knot at like 2AM, ask anyone in Vegas. SO!

Anne and James are married, Anne is SUPER knocked up, but is STILL HIDING THIS FACT, and finnnnaaaaaaalllllllly her dad finds out.

And her dad is like, "WHAT THE ACTUAL F***?" and then asks Charles II to SEND ANNE TO THE TOWER AND CUT HER HEAD OFF.

FOR REALSIES.

And Charles is all:

So that obviously doesn't happen, but wow, Anne's dad sucks, and now things begin to suck IN GENERAL for Anne. Like, a whole bunch.

For one, she's super pregnant, and that ALWAYS sucks. For another, James's sister Mary comes to England, and she is RIP SH*T about Anne.

Because her brother has married one of HER ladies-in-waiting, and THAT IS GROSS, and James starts to have second thoughts b/c F***boi.

So there's poor Anne, about to pop, and now James is all, "Acccctuuuuuaaaaaaallllllly, everyone is saying you're KIND of a slut?"

So some next level Dude Bullsh*t starts happening with James's friends all, "ANNE TOUCHED MY WANG WHEN WE WERE ON A HORSE!"

(This is the 17th century version of, "She sent me nudes," I guess.)

And Anne is all,

BUT FINALLY she has her baby, EXCEPT!! While she is *IN LABOR* the bishops Charles II sent to witness the birth are all up in her face.

She's LITERALLY PUSHING OUT A HUMAN, and these motherf***ers are all, "WHO IS THE REAL DAD, HOW MANY WANGS HAVE YOUR TOUCHED???"

But Anne sticks to her guns, and is like, "One wang, the Duke of York's," and everyone is like, "She seems pretty sincere on this?"

But James CONTINUES TO SUCK THE BAG, and is all, "Idk, idk, I think she probably touched all the wangs, so I'm free, right?"

She's JUST HAD HIS BABY, and he's still trying to wiggle out of this.

I don't even think James deserves to be the LESSER Hemsworth now.

BUT! Anne gets SURPRISE SUPPORT from Charles II who may be slutty, but is NOT a f***boi. And he's like, "Bro, stop being a douche."

James: The Guy Who Takes Women's Studies To Hit On Ladies.

Charles: That Guy That Blatantly Stared At Your T*ts, But Changed Your Tire.

So Charles is all, "Dude, you married her, she had your son, just, like, be married to her, and like it already."

And because James is an EASILY SWAYED F***BOI, he's all, "You know, I feel like...maybe...she did not...touch those wangs? I LOVE HER."

So FINALLY James acknowledges his wife, and stops being such a douchelord about the whole thing, they are In Love. Like this:

They go on to have a whole bunch of kids, but only 2 survive to adulthood, their daughters, Mary and Anne.

Mary and Anne will, of course, one day go on to F** THEIR DAD'S SH*T RIGHT ON UP in the Glorious Revolution, so ANNE HYDE IS AVENGED.

But before that happens, the rest of Anne's life before she dies of breast cancer at the age of 34 is kind of meh?

Like, James stops being such a f***boi in the sense of being all, "WOMAN, THOU HAST TOUCHETH WANGS THAT WERE NOT MINE!" but he still sucks.

He has LOTS of affairs, including one with a Lady Carnegie whose husband, it's rumored, PURPOSELY INFECTS HIMSELF WITH SYPHILIS.

Just so he can give The Syph to his wife who can then give it to James, which is. I mean, that's.... You gotta REALLY HATE A DUDE.

In any case, things go on with James having affairs, Anne being like, "Whatevs, F***boi," and, as mentioned, eventually dying at 34.

So let's POUR ONE OUT for Anne Hyde, Duchess of York, OG Kardashian who was the mother to not one, but TWO Queens of England.

We won't pour out D*** for James II, though, and will instead delight in how his daughters pushed him off the throne and back into exile.

And so today we have learned that F***bois Are Eternal, Ladies Will Always Have Their Revenge, and Samuel Pepys was Savage AF.

ET FIN.

And A REMINDER that NEXT week, in honor of Halloween Month, Sexy History is gonna get SPOOKY/MURDER-Y!