Thread by @LadyHawkins

GOOD MORNING, TWITTER! After a BRIEF HIATUS, #SexyHistory is BACK, and we're GOING BIG TODAY!

This story has got EVERYTHING.
- Princesses
- Hot Scots
- Dramatic Escapes
- ESCANDALO marriages
- Henry VIII being a total d*ck

Today we're talking about Margaret Tudor, Queen of Scotland! Daughter of a king! Sister of a king! Mother of a king! And a Bad Choice Maker!

OKAY. So Margaret is the daughter of Henry VII of England. We talked about him a bit in OG Sexy History with our Forever Bae, Owen Tudor.

Margaret is the 2nd child of Henry VII/Elizabeth of York, making her older sister to the eventual Henry VIII (this will be A THING later.)

NOW an important way to think of the early days of the Tudor dynasty is to envision it as a CW soap opera.

Henry VII was starting a NEW DYNASTY, remember? STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM NOW HE HERE, etc. Married a princess of the former royal house...

So he's basically like the self-made millionaire, and then his kids are the Born Rich and Entitled F*ck-Ups Causing Drama.

(Also, yo, The CW, if you would like someone to write you a Modern AU Nighttime Soap Version of the Tudor dynasty, hmu.) ANYWAY!

As is per uszh with England/Scotland, they're fighting around this time. Nothing TOO dramatical for once, just your standard stuff.

And Henry VII is all, "I should prooooobaaaabbbllllly make some kind of peace with Scotland lest they taunt me a second time."

And of course the #1 way to make peace is via bartering your daughter, wheeeeee, history is terrible.

Now, deal is, Margaret is still pretty young when this idea occurs to everyone, and the king of Scotland, James IV is like 16 years older.

AND if you'll remember from OG #SexyHistory, Henry VII's mom gave birth to him at 13, so everyone around H7 was NOT CHILL RE: Child Brides.

Which is honestly as it should be. (Henry VII was totally upfront about this, btw, telling people, "My mom and my wife are not down, soz.")

Actual Footage of Margaret Beaufort and Elizabeth of York reacting to a proposed marriage between Princess Margaret and King James:

King James is pretty okay with just sort of putting off marriages because he has like 9,000 girlfriends up there in Scotland, what a stud.

For the purposes of this thread, King James will now be played by What Happens When You Google "Hot Scots Lol."

NOW! There are some objections to the idea of marrying Margaret to James that have nothing to do with, "She's Like 10, WTF, Y'all."

A few people are like, "Henry, my dude, my bro, what if the Scots eventually use this as a way to take over England?? WHAT ABOUT THAT??"

And Henry VII is all, "Lol, you guys, I have TWO SONS, COUNT 'EM, TWO! They'll have sons! No way the Scottish line could EVER be an issue!"

But because this is a CW Nighttime Soap Opera, DRAMZ HAPPENS.

In the course of a year, Henry loses his heir, Arthur, to Random Sickness, and his wife, Elizabeth of York, in childbirth. It's A LOT.

Now he just has ONE SON, and unfortunately for him, this son is gonna be Henry VIII and WHOOO BOY, SEASON 4 OF THIS CW SOAP GETS INTENSE.

But we're not getting into all that today because y'all should know it, there have been roughly 80,000 TV shows about that whole sitch.

ANECDOTE THO: When BB!Henry VIII learned that as Queen of Scotland, his sister would outrank him (pre-Arthur's death) he threw a FIT.

Full on stomping tantrum that if Margaret married James IV, she'd be more important than him, lolol, even as a kid, Henry VIII was a d*ck.

BUT MOVING ON. It's a rough year for EVERYONE, and this is the time everyone is like, "WELP, I guess we'll send Margaret to Scotland."

Henry VII: So your brother and mother are dead, and I'm a shattered shell of a man, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT LEAVING HOME AT 14?
Margaret:

But OFF SHE GOES to Scotland (after getting married by proxy there in England first, something I've always found wild.)

Now, James IV turns out NOT to be a total Trash Lord! I KNOW. I mean, still has lots of ladies/bastards, but all in all, he's okay.

Margaret doesn't have their first child until she's about 17, so we can also possibly assumed he held off on consummating when she was 14.

Look, I realize that's a real f***ing low bar to set, but *gestures at all of history forever*

NOW! Margaret has a lot of children with James, but only one survives infancy and will eventually become James V. He's born in 1512.

Which is ALSO the year that Margaret's brother, Henry VIII, is like, "What if I ruined, like, LITERALLY EVERYTHING?"

(I love that that image already existed on Google.) ANYWAY! By now, Henry VII has died, his son has become king, and HE IS READY TO RUMBLE.

Again, if we're thinking of this like a CW Soap, Henry VII was the shrewd, businessman who built an empire, Henry VIII is his cokehead son.

Only instead of wrecking Lambos and accidentally killing high class call girls, Henry VIII wants to go to war with everybody. AS YOU DO.

Specifically he wants to go to war with France because what else can English kings do as a hobby, really? But Scotland and France? BFFs.

(This alliance between Scotland and France is what eventually complicates things for Mary Queen of Scots a few generations later, btw.)

Henry VIII is all, "Gonna fight the f*** outta you, France," Henry VII is rolling in his grave all, "GDI," and James IV is like, "Sigh."

Because the "Auld Alliance" with France means James has to defend France against England, so in 1512, James IV invades England.

This is what is known historically as, "A Real Boner Of A Move." James IV's army is wiped out at Flodden Field, and James IV is killed.

POUR ONE OUT FOR JAMES IV, LAST MONARCH ON THE BRITISH ISLES TO BE KILLED IN BATTLE!

So Margaret's brother has killed her husband, holidays are gonna be SUPER f***ing awkward, and also, OH NO WHAT DOES SCOTLAND HAVE NOW?

THAT'S RIGHT! A BABBY KING. And if we have learned ONE THING from #SexyHistory, it's that Babby Kings are a real issue. (Pun?)

So there's Margaret with her Babby King, there's Scotland all, "Soooo the regent is also the sister of the man who put us in this mess? Um?"

And the pro-France side of the Scottish nobles starts being like, "I feel like we need...a dude? A dude who is not you? Yeah. That."

They want the Duke of Albany, who's the nearest male relative of the Babby King, also a dude living in France, also, yanno, A Dude.

But things ACTUALLY WORK OUT! Margaret handles herself well, is receptive to the Duke of Albany thing, a sort of fragile peace is brokered.

Oh man, it's all going so well! Margaret is regent for her Babby King with the Duke of Albany, England is settling down, WHEW!

But Margaret is about to make a BIG MISTAKE. Or rather, her Lady Bits are.

Margaret starts looking for allies, and she finds them in the Douglas Family, specifically in Archibald Douglas, specifically in his pants.

BUT AS WE LEARNED WITH CATHERINE OF VALOIS/OWEN TUDOR, moms to King Babbys are very LIMITED in where they lady parts can land.

*their. AND SO! Margaret marries Archibald Douglas in secret in a maneuver she clearly learned from her 1st husband, The Real Boner Move.

For the purposes of this thread, Archibald Douglas will now be played by Richard Madden At His Foxiest so that we at least GET Margaret.

But of course the Scottish nobles find out, and of course they're ripsh*t about it because now the Douglas Family has too much power, etc.

As is always the case with these noble dudes, they get their wangs all tangled up trying to be Most Important Dude, it's a MESS.

Which eventually leads to Margaret having to surrender custody of her two sons (she won't have two for long, SPOILER) to Albany/his team.

By now, Henry VIII is all, "Yo, Sis, I know things were awkward with my army killing your husband and all, buuuut maybe come here?"

Margaret wants to, but DOESN'T want to because she doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardize her Babby King. Also! She's pregnant!

NOW! Margaret has to get permission to travel because see above, RE: Dudes, Wangs Tangled Up, and she gets it to go to Linlithgow.

And of course the Scottish Nobles are all, "She's pregnant, she's not gonna run off to England now, that would be CRAZY."

But the Scottish Nobles apparently didn't get the Tudors because as soon as Margaret got to Linlithgow, she made for the border like this:

She gives birth to a daughter, also named Margaret, there in the north of England (who will one day be mother to F***boi Lord Darnley.)

She's well-received in England. HOWEVER, her husband, Archibald, has not come with her because, like, all his CDs are still in Scotland.

Seriously, he's like, "oooooh, baaaaabe, super love you, but I'm kind of a big deal here in Scotland? Also, I've got this girlfriend, SO."

Not even a Sweet Richard Madden Face Claim can save you from this level of f***ery, Archibald.

And then Margaret is all, "UGH," and writes to her brother about what a f***stick her husband is, and Henry is all, "MARRIAGE IS SACRED."

No, seriously. He does. He'll be this real patronizing c*ck over and over again to his sisters about their marriages because IRRROOOOONNNNY.

And then we get a fun little bit of sibling rivalry. See, Henry LIKES Angus because f***boi calls to f***boi, I guess.

(Sorry, used his title, Angus=Archibald, same dude.) ALSO, Archibald is pro English/Scottish alliance as opposed to the pro-France Albany.

So Henry is all, "TEAM ARCHIBALD!" and Margaret is all, "TEAM ALBANY THEN!" and Henry VII is in Heaven like, "WHERE DID I GO WRONG?"

Henry VII and Elizabeth of York, rising from the dead and going back in time to shove this on their children.

Now things get M E S S Y. Archibald starts spreading the rumor that Albany and Margaret are lovers, that they're gonna murder Babby King...

But Margaret is only cozying up to Albany to piss off her husband and her brother, what she REALLY wants is the power of regent again.

Portrait of Margaret Tudor, Dowager Queen of Scotland, circa 1522:

Eventually, while Albany is in France, Margaret sides with ANOTHER Scottish noble, the Earl of Arran, Archibald's nemesis.

She teams up with Arran because he's powerful, and also because it will piss off Archibald, and that's what Margaret now LIVES FOR.

This sh*t all gets so messy that I'm not going to spend a huge amount of time going into it, so let's bullet point this b, shall we?

*deep breath*
- Margaret and Arran take 12 year old James from Stirling to Edinburgh
-He's given Kingly Powers even though still KINDA Babby

-Regency TECHNICALLY over, but Margaret still has power.
-Archibald is in England now that Margaret is back in Scotland.
-No one likes Arran

- Wangs: *tangled*
- Henry VIII is a sh*t-stirrer who now sends Archibald BACK to Scotland.
- Margaret wants a divorce real bad.

By this point, Margaret has her eye on Henry Stewart, another young nobleman because WHY NOT, and omg, Margaret's Vag, NOW IS NOT THE TIME.

So there's Margaret, living it up in Scotland with her son as king, making eyes at a cute younger dude, now her husband is back, UGH.

She orders CANNONS FIRED ON HIM when he comes back to Scotland, everyone is all, "You can't cannonball your husband," she's all, "WATCH ME."

Meanwhile, Henry VII In Heaven, all, "I was just...so boring. So conservative. So monogamous. Why are my children so G*DDAMN EXTRA I STG?"

Eventually, Margaret is forced to allow Archibald onto the royal council, she's all, "FINE," and then Archibald seizes Not Quite Babby King.

Margaret is all, "HE IS A D*CK," the other Scottish nobles are like, "He's not so bad!" and then Archibald IMMEDIATELY goes Full D*ck.

So he's like, "I'M THE KING'S STEPDAD AND HE'S MINE NOW, I'M RUNNING THIS SHOW!" and this goes on for 3 years, it's all very OTT and cray.

How OTT/cray? Margaret is like, "HEY! I CAN'T EVEN BE SURE MY FIRST HUSBAND IS ACTUALLY DEAD! MAYBE I'M NOT EVEN MARRIED TO THIS A-HOLE!"

THAT'S HOW INTENSE THIS IS. We got Margaret out here acting like her dead husband MIGHT NOT BE DEAD. (In the CW soap, he wouldn't be, obvs.)

FINALLY, Margaret gets her divorce from Archibald in 1527, and marries her Hot Young Thang, Henry Stewart (who! Shocker! Sucks real bad!)

Margaret has the worst taste in dudes, I swear. Anyway, in 1528, Not Even A Babby At All Anymore, He's 16 FFS King James escapes Archibald.

But this is going to be A THING going forward with James V- b/c his stepdad was such a wang, he'll hate the Douglases/English alliance 5ever

Archibald goes back to England and the welcome arms of his Brother in F***boihood, Henry VIII.

Margaret is now BACK ON TOP, beloved adviser to her son the king, but she spends the rest of her life caught between England and Scotland.

Also, within a few years, she wants to get divorced from her third husband, and James is like, "Mom, no, stop, seriously."

She also wanted to broker peace/understanding between her brother and her son, but James V was not here for that because OBVIOUSLY.

Plus Henry was about to start REALLY f***ing sh*t up, so maybe James didn't inherit The Drama Gene from his mom and wanted to steer clear.

(Although James V is father to Mary Queen of Scots, so THE DRAMA GOT PASSED DOWN EVENTUALLY, TRUST.)

Margaret dies in 1541 at the age of 51, having lived a life worthy of at least 5 seasons of Real Housewives of Edinburgh.

WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?
- You may think you have a rough relationship with your sibling, but have they killed your spouse? HAVE THEY?

- The combination of Stuart and Tudor Genes explains 80% of the Royal Scandals since the 1500s.
- Nothing worse than a Tangle O'Wangs.

(Tangle O'Wangs, popular Scottish Folk Dance originating in the Outer Hebrides, outlawed for indecency in 1852.)

And of course, Henry VIII Was An Even Bigger D*ck Than You Possibly Realized, Even If You Watched All The Tudors (I KNOW.)

ET FIN!!

ALSO, GO VOTE TODAY TO PREVENT FURTHER TANGLE O'WANGS, THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.