Thread by @povmumbai

Another #SexDis workshop begins today @saysnidhigoyal @nidsitis

@saysnidhigoyal @nidsitis We begin today’s workshop in Bangalore with introductions and sharing of our dreams. #SexDis

Women with disabilities from Chikballapur and neighbouring areas are here with us for the next two days. Stay tuned for highlights. #SexDis

We are looking at gender roles within the home and outside - to connect how gender as well as disability affects our lives. #SexDis

‘Pressures of marriage defer for women with disabilities. We are often forced to marry men who already have a wife.’ #SexDis

‘If I was partially blind, it would have been easier to get married. This is what I was told. But my family told me, I dont need marriage and they will look after me. After my mother’s death, I was abandoned by my family.’

@saysnidhigoyal touches upon the pressures of disabled women and being influenced by society’s messages of not deserving choice, especially in marriage.

We are hearing stories of how dowry is illegal but a socially accepted practise where women with disabilities are forced to pay more to ‘compensate’ for their disability.

There are also stories of love. Where women fought their families to choose their partner of choice. Families were resistant because it was an inter-caste marriage, but as a group of women, they were able to challenge this and be married.

‘My mother who is a single parent was not happy about my partner of choice. She felt inter-caste marriages might not end well. But we are happy and even have a child who my mother visits, too.’

‘I wasn’t asked if I wanted to get married. I have two younger siblings who needed to be married, so I didn’t say no.’ #SexDis

‘I was not asked but I didn’t want to get married to him. I was told I had no choice, but to get married. It was his third marriage and he passed away due to alcoholism.’

Post lunch we’ve gathered together to discuss relationships, partnerships, sexual and non-sexual. #SexDis

‘18-25 is the time women get married,’ said the group, ‘but is this decided by society or by ourselves?’ - asked our facilitator, Kiran. #SexDis

‘We do feel the urge to get married, but women shouldn’t get married,’ said a participant and the group laughed at the complication of the situation. #SexDis

‘My body felt like I wanted intimacy, to be with a man. Felt like I needed to be married for it.’

attraction and need for marriage - is there a difference? Do we need to unlearn somethings here? #SexDis

The group is now discussing if one needs a partner for life (married or not)? #SexDis

One woman feels it would be nice to have someone by your side while another feels she is happier alone and by herself. #SexDis

We’ve now broken up into groups to talk about what the current scenario is and how do women with disabilities work towards achieving our needs and wants in relationships.

Enacting a play to talk about gender discrimination and discrimination because of disability withing families.

The group is highlighting how women with disabilities marriage is a quiet affair while her sibling who is not disabled is married with a lot of flair. #SexDis

Group two discusses how a vision impaired women doesn’t need to be married or rather no one comes forward to marry someone who cannot see.

Now they have received an offer for her without any dowry but the woman herself is not interested in marriage. #SexDis

#sexdis play snippet.

Kiran, our partner and co-facilitator, talks about his own story. Having to fight with his family to be able to marry a woman. ‘I felt like I was a man and I wanted to be a woman. But my family saw me as a woman who needed to marry a man. It was hard to reach here.’ #SexDis

One of the women brought up the idea of charity vs rights for women with disabilities. Our @saysnidhigoyal speaks now about charity approach, medical approach and rights based approach with persons with disabilities, pushing the group to think beyond charity and help.

A short break from our training with a song in Kannada! (this training is happening in three languages - English, Kannada and Telugu - with translation to keep everyone on the same page :) #SexDis

We wrap our day with thoughts on how society’s messages on persons with disabilities gets internalised to end up tolerating violence and discrimination. #SexDis

We’ve begun day 2 with a quick recap and setting the expectations. #SexDis

Women form smaller groups to discuss the assumptions, myths and difficult concepts that women with disabilities have to face in society #SexDis

The group has raised important points of assumptions ranging from being a burden to discrimination at work.

Recreation in schools, marriage, friends, having children, dressing up and make up are all seen as necessary. #SexDis

Our co-facilitator Kiran shares an experience of travelling in a local bus and was dropped off separately from his wheelchair. He had to fight and go to media houses before the Karnataka government passed a circular stopping this practice. #SexDis

@saysnidhigoyal highlights how we need to first recognise the discrimination and then raise our voice to access our rights.

This is easier in public places and far more hard within the home. #SexDis

‘It is easier to resist when it is with outsiders than with your family. Family has the ability to taunt and scare you to feeling helpless.’

‘I got permission to come to this training because it is with fellow women with disabilities. But at a marriage there are able bodied persons and I’m seen as a sore point. Plus everyone is dressed up and I’m not supposed to be.’

@saysnidhigoyal addresses the core idea that women with disabilities are not worthy of investment which results in less access to capacity building especially long term commitment like education. #SexDis

We are now discussing (post a jolt of coffee) how do we better negotiate within the family.

Women raises points of ‘not needed in that wedding’, ‘will that wedding not happen without you’, ‘I’ll feed you, no need for your friend to feed you’. #SexDis

A woman in the group shared her experience of how she won a prize for her singing. ‘But when my brother found out he was hurt and he beat me for a long time. This was traumatic and I couldn’t sing ever again.’ #SexDis

Facilitators added: ‘Persons with disabilities are not seen. Society wants us to hide and keep them from being seen. But being seen is what we want. Not to be fixed, not to be pitied.’

After @saysnidhigoyal shared a few thoughts about how we have internalised these thoughts and how we need to sing and dance for our own joys sometimes, our participant sang for all of us #SexDis

‘There are many assumptions about how we should behave as women, as disabled women - like no need for make up, no need to go out. We need to use the support we have around like an organisation, or a teacher, or a friend, and walk slowly forward.’

‘We need to start slowly and talk of our own likes and dislikes. This helps them move from seeing us only as disabled to seeing us as individuals.’

@saysnidhigoyal: starting from the clothes you can wear, you can put forward other thoughts, choices and your opinions. We can start small and push these opinions. Eventually, we can move towards big changes in our lives.

Post lunch, the groups discussed the body. Here is a participant trying to recount how menstruation happens #SexDis

The participant was supported by details from our facilitator @nidsitis and clarifications on accurate information was done.

Next the group addressed the concept of penile-vaginal penetrative sex. And how to get pregnant. #SexDis

Also how to avoid pregnancy and STIs. Wear condoms!!

We are talking about violence now with our facilitator, Kiran taking the floor to discuss the resources we have and how to access justice we might want. #SexDis

Women share stories of going to police station and facing hardships to be taken seriously - as women with disabilities.

‘We are not taken seriously for complaints on robbery, assets. It is much, much worse if we go to file a complaint on violence, assault or rape.’

‘When a woman with disability is raped, the question doctors, hospitals ask: who would rape her?’

‘In another case, the family wanted to keep the violence quiet to protect the honour of the family. When parents are refusing to access support and help, what can we do, even if we want to help?’

We are now discussing way forward after incidents of violence: ‘should we file complaints? Should we reach out to local activists? Should we turn to the media? Should we react by throwing slippers?’

‘In public places, it becomes harder. Men offer support/help and then harass by touching/groping.’ - Participant

Response by another - ‘We can shout or draw the attention of the conductor to this person. But women need to feel confident to do it.’

We are closing our day with discussions on the importance of understanding and keeping ourselves updated on the law and the legal options available. #SexDis

Thank you for staying tuned for our interesting workshop! We say goodbye for now from Bangalore. Till our next workshop! #SexDis

Here is a group photo of us and on that note, have a good evening! :) from @saysnidhigoyal and @nidsitis!