Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

Sometimes when village people want to destroy you, they don't come at night,  pressing your neck with background music playing 'ekukuleku kuleku' 

No!

They come as friends.Friends named (enemy of) Progress.And they come the day you receive your first salary.

Issa Thread.

Fresh after school, I was working a 60k job.60k 2 d company but for me, it was 60 thousand million naira.For someone whose account had seen that kind of amount only when people send me their school fees to pay, when that first alert entered, Eureka! Brethren i was rich at last.

My walking step changed.I tried hard yet my shoulder attained lofty heights.There was inexplicable joy in my heart and it flowed like a river.I even noticed to my greatest surprise that when I laughed, it came out in a rich dangote-ish deep bass hohoho not kakaka like poor people

I went to the ATM and withdrew 20k to relax my navs. The mint smell made love to my nose, birthing olfactory delight within me. Brethren i tell you, forget wat your MCM says,der is nothing as lovely as Eau de money. It is a sweet swelling sacrifice that pleases jah Amem?

As i left the atm, I understood why rich people are always suspicious of the next person.Walking to my office, 1 broda was nearing me and touching my pocket.I looked at him like 'try am! Just try am!' it appears you want my lord to take time from his busy schedule and punish you

It was a beautiful day with a weekend ahead that would lack darkness, because i planned it would be Lit all the way. That was until my phone rang and who was on the other end?

Progress. 

'Stevo money' he hailed 'Stevotedola'
Kai! I was tickled.The hailing sweet me baje baje.

Before I knew,i had agreed to meet him in one 'NICE PLACE'.I was d only one who had gotten a Job and he had seen my profile on Linkedin with 1 wicked Job description.You know hw instead of errandboy/cleaner u write PRIVATE LOGISTICS AND ENVIRONMENTAL EXPERT.

Their dads!

Got to the place and saw progress. We hadn't seen for almost a year,and with our favorite social lubricant plying us, gist flowed ceaslessly.We cancelled bottles like it was no man's business.I had money so no need to hide my face as opined by that miniature medical professional

Progress had to leave. He was going to his aunt's at Badore. There was traffic and i was in no hurry. We bade ourselves goodbye and then i ordered two bottles and some pepperdem beef for the road. See charley what is worth doing well is worth doing twice

It was when i heard someone in the next table ask for the bill. That i realised. Hollup!! (in Lasisi's voice)Something just happen right now.
Bill? Said with so much oyinbo accent. Bill. Not madam how much? Not sister how much I go pay. Or heysss! How much be everything

Sir! I'm sorry but here We're not called waiters We're called sales executives and or happiness consultants.

And a bottle of Heineken,the alcoholic beverage you consumed retails here for just N2000

My spirit man shouted OKOYE!!!!

Eh? You say what?

When i heard the price, though the bottle said Heineken what i had in my mouth was Pure Urine. I didn't even know where to start from. the price? Or that normal beer because of packaging has become alcoholic beverage. Or the fact.Oh the fact! That here it retails not sells

Beer that i was doing ooh and aah for before, now tasted like tears of sorrow. like regrets.like your ex's cold bitter heart. I even observed the bottle like abeg what makes this one special. Is it heineken hungryman size, i even started reading the ingredients like

Man when you have overshot your budget your math skills become dodgy. You wonder is 2 x 2 really four? If so why? You can't even count again. Every time u count what you have taken, one more bottle seems to have added to it and you wonder Lord why me?

As they went to get the POS that's when I noticed the big difference between 'spend my salary lounge' and Iya wasiu's bar. The signs were there all along. At Iya wasiu's, there's nobody at the door well dressed, telling you welcome to hell fire lounge or whatever its name was

At Iya wasiu's they tell you what they have they don't show you with Ipad. There's a girl named happiness there but she's no consultant. They don't serve you beer and ask you sir will you like some nuts? Clear signs that I ignored like a fool who says there's no God.

Savings or current the waiter asked. With an epp me look in my mind I'm like savings but aunty save me 😪

fiam! Before i even remove card bank have sent me alert.Ah! Izzit not Ogun that will kill GTB like this.I was instantly sick. Malaria, Fibroid even sars all begin do me

Epp

As i left they offered me complimentary water on the house. I'm like thunder fire this house.It'll be like dat biblical one built on sand.The wind of judgement will blow it away. Gerarahere! You people are complimenting me for finishing my salary ba.No thanks i love being thirsty

As i was leaving tears in my heart. Malafukin door man was like sir hope you enjoyed our services. I'm looking at him like guy see me as your brother na. If i was your relative you go like make i enjoy this service.

Why you dey door? Enter and enjoy service na IMBESIDE.

Call again next time. He said. One mind was telling me to collect his bow tie. Call where next time. With which phone? This nonsense place that lacks the fear of god. I left the place, tried to reach progress to no avail. 

In my mind I'm like I'll find you and kill you this boy

Next morning, there's an SMS on my phone from him.Oblivious of my ordeal the last night it read.'Guy e get another nice place we go enter today! Baba we go run bottles! E go flow. U na boss #Stevotedola

Ah! god of Nice and gongo aso kee this Kanayo o kanayo boy

Abi bottles. No wahala. I was ready to buy bottles and break on his head..
Lord knows there were 47days in that month before next salary came. Brethren learn from my case.Avoid enemies of Progress. Use your head o If ashewo marry winsh born thief who go dey dey house for night?

THE END

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Uncle Stephen

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