Thread by @elonjames

My kid loves "The Cat in The Hat" to death. She demands we read it multiple times a day which concerns me because this is a story of a glorified home invasion.

#TheCaInTheHat needed to be arrested. #DGProper

2 kids are at home alone & I'm not sure how old they are. They don't SEEM like they should be left home alone with a fish as a babysitter but hey. Times are hard.

They never mention "Daddy" in this story so for all we know the Mother is working 2 jobs trying to survive.

So these 2 kids with a fish as babysitter are at home and a gatdamb jauntily dressed cat BREAKS INTO THEIR HOUSE.

He didn't knock. They didn't say "Come on in oddly formally dressed cat." They were SCARED when dude just broke in. And he starts QUESTIONING THEM.

And the way the story is framed, the fish, WHO IS LITERALLY THE ONLY GATDAMB PERSON WITH ANY SENSE, is painted as a scold. Like he's ruining their fun.

HE'S TRYING TO STOP A CAT FROM BREAKING AND ENTERING. #TheCatInTheHat

These kids were sitting looking out a window, not getting into any trouble which is wholly unrealistic but LETS GO WITH IT, and some Cat burglar busts in and starts engaging with CHILDREN.

HOW OLD IS THE CAT? He's old enough to have a shit-ton of gadgets.

That implies a job.

"Why do you sit there like that? I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny. But we can have lots of good fun that is funny!"

M'FUCKA WHO IS YOU AND WHY ARE YOU BREAKING INTO A HOUSE WITH SMALL CHILDREN PROPOSITIONING THEM WITH FUN?

#TheCatInTheHat

This cat then starts spitting game at these CHILDREN. Talking about he knows some games they could play and that their mother wouldn't mind one bit.

This is literally what we teach kids to look out for and that they should run and find an adult if this happens to them.

These poor children are at a loss. They literally don't know what to say.

Apparently they didn't get the talk I got when I was a latchkey kid. First off that door should've been double locked. Second, you tell that stranger-ass-cat that your mama is in the bathroom or something.

And you realize how nefarious and treacherous this Hat-cladded Cat is because the fish who apparently is blessed with the gift of speech VERY CLEARLY LAYS OUT THAT THE CAT SHOULD NOT BE THERE AND THAT THIS IS NOT OKAY.

The fish LIVED there and the Cat was like "IDC, IDC, IDC."

The Cat fucking THREATENS the fish.

How else do you explain after the fish was like "Nah Negro, you gotsta go." The cat is like "Well what if I balance your GLASS BOWL ON MY UMBRELLA, BITCH."

That is assault and a direct attack on the fish. This cat is a menace.

This Cat has a serious issue w/ BOUNDARIES. Not only did he break into a house w/ 2 small children–Not only was he told to get out by the only authority figure in the house.

The cat then threatens the fish's life and the fish LITERALLY SAYS PUT ME DOWN.

Cat is like "Nah."

The cat then starts rifling the house and starts juggling the fish in his glass bowl, a cake, some books, a toy boat, AND BOTTLES OF MILK. HE HAS NO REGARD FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S PROPERTY. He just breaks into your house and starts messing with shit.

HOW IS THIS A KIDS BOOK?

I'm sorry, I forgot that he CONTINUES GRABBING MORE SHIT. He starts juggling their rake, some more toys, some antique china tea cups, more books and a flonkin' fan.

HE DID NOT WALK INTO THE HOUSE WITH THESE THINGS. THE KIDS HAVE NO CLUE WHAT TO DO.

AND THEN THE CAT FALLS DOWN BENDING THE RAKE AND MESSING UP THE CAKE N'SHIT.

The fish TOLD THIS CAT "Chill son, we ain't here for this" and the Cat IGNORES him and then DROPS EVERYTHING.

So we have reckless endangerment of children, home invasion, vandalism...

So after already being an weird pervy asshole the Fish tells the cat "GTFO" AGAIN. The cat says "Nah" AGAIN.

And at this point he brings in 2 gimps he's keeping in a box and LETS THEM LOOSE ON THIS HOUSE HE JUST BROKE INTO. I assume they have a safe word but WHO KNOWS.

The Cat introduces his gimps to 2 little kids and then proceeds to allow them to run around and wreck the house. Clearly he has not trained them to be good subs or maybe this is what they do as foreplay.

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. THERES A STRANGER-CAT MENACING CHILDREN WITH GIMPS.

Who the FUCK flies kites inside the house?

2 Gimps kept in a red box by a burglarizing ca who just wrecked shit. That's who.

THE ONLY REASON WHY THE CAT STOPPED HIS REIGN OF TERROR IS BECAUSE THE MOTHER WAS ALMOST HOME. You could see her in the window.

So the Cat had a choice. Continue the robbery and bondage play & be arrested or get the fuck outta dodge.

I think we're supposed to be cool w/ the Cat because he ends up coming back and cleaning up. BUT HELL NO.

That machine got rid of the clutter. It didn't fix the cake, the rake, & all the other shit the Cat BROKE. He was just trying not to do 5-10. Can't bring your gimps to jail.

This Cat needed an ass-whoopin.

And somebody FREE THING 1 AND THING 2.

I don't even know if they're gimping of their own accord. THEY COULD BE SLAVE GIMPS. WE DON'T KNOW. THIS CAT COULD HAVE BOXES ON BOXES O'GIMPS HE JUST LETS LOOSE IN PEOPLE'S HOUSES.

And then these kids are sitting there pondering do they tell their mom...

OF COURSE YOU TELL YOUR MOM. YOU ARE IN SHOCK DUE TO THE TRAUMA OF WITNESSING A HOME INVASION, AN ATTACK ON AN AUTHORITY FIGURE AND SOME WEIRD-ASS BONDAGE GAME YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND.

You may think "You thought about this waaaaay too much Elon."

And I'd tell you what do you expect after reading the same damn story 150 times? I CAN'T NOT SEE THIS SHIT NOW.