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May 6, 2018 69 tweets 19 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
#HarryPotterLiveTweet Thread starts here!

And why are they trying to board a train with a car? Why not just MEET the train at Hogwarts?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And why is it called Hogwarts? Kinda nasty, IMHO.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WAIT I'VE HEARD OF THIS THING. THIS IS THE WHOMPING WILLOW. I DONT KNOW WHY I KNOW THAT, BUT I KNOW IT.

GUYS I KNEW A THING!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I was actually really emotionally invested in Ron's rat Scabbers being okay. I'm glad he is.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Y'all told me this awesome Dumbledore actor died. I'm so glad I get one more movie with him.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh I do NOT like the screaming plant baby. That is terror. I hate it. Make it go away.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Haha I like this Colin kid with the camera. Reminds me of when I was younger.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What's a howler?

Oh.

OH.

OH WHY.

THAT'S SOME NEXT LEVEL SHITTY PARENTING.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh no. The popped collar from earlier is the dark arts teacher? Why wouldn't they just make it Snape? I thought he wanted that job?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And then he just ran away when it got rough? What a jackass.

This dude is ungood.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OF FUCKING COURSE BLONDIE IS A SEEKER, TOO.

He's that one kid at school everyone puts up with because his dad's rich.

Also, what's a mudblood?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

As someone with a really bad chest cold, this whole throwing up slugs is... Not pleasant to watch.

OH SHIT. BLONDIE CALLED BABY HERMIONE A MIX-BREED?

What even are these people?!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

As Filch approaches his dead cat, I want the Rains of Castamere to play.

I love cats, but fuck off, Walder.

And apparently some chamber is open.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

The cat's name is Mrs. Norris? The hell?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"No, Harry. Even in the Wizarding world, hearing voices is not good."

Harry Potter and the Prescription for Clozapine.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"There's a secret chamber called the Chamber of Secrets."

I mean, to the point. I like it.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I think I know what's in the Chamber of Secrets. Here are the clues:

-Made by the founder of Slytherin

-Petrified the cat

-Blondie's dad, Fuckstick Sr, carries a staff of a snake.

It's gotta be like a bigass snake or medusa or something.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Hey guys I have an idea for a sport. Let's put children with NO protection in the air on super-fast flying brooms, unleash these cannon balls that are possessed to hit them, give em clubs to beat the shit out of each other while we crack some brewskis."
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I won't remember his name so I'm just going to call the fruity Dark Arts dude "Ponce."

And Ponce just liquified Harry's arm.

Nasty.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh good. Dobby the manic elf has returned.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WOAH Dobby ironed his own fucking hands to make up for his cake thing?

Harry, my guy, you're in an abusive relationship. He's emotionally manipulating you.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Aw dammit, Colin got got.

I need to learn to never pick favs.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"You know what this scene needs? An emo ghost with a voice like a chew toy"

Thus, Moaning Myrtle.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm actually rooting for Snape to kick the shit out of Ponce.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

BLONDIE VS POTTER ROUND ONE

DING DING DING
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Of course blondie has to cheat to get the upper hand.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Its a snaaake ohhh its a snaaake

Wait wtf you doing harry

Guys

What is he doing

HARRY
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This explains the thing at the zoo from the first movie! Dude's a snake talker!

They called it parcel mouth? But that's kinda weird. Unless he wants to go to work for UPS.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This little sneaky bastard decided to jump up and bite my toes during that scene.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm sorry but this dude just spoke snake and people are shunning him? He should be drowning in goth Slytherin women right about now.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why did that bird just explode.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Only a next level fat kid would be like "oh shit, floating ominous cupcakes in a dark unpopulated corridor, MY FAVORITE!" And eat it without question.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

These special effects are really good for 2002. Also, what did Hermione change herself into? I'm nervous haha.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit Hermione's a cat.

I think Ron just got a new fetish, judging by his face.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Did uhhhhhhhhhhhhh did Moaning Myrtle commit suicide in this bathroom or what?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

If I ever write in a dairy and it writes back, that shit is getting burned.

"Dear diary..."

"What?"
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Tom Riddle looks shady.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Well he's now threatening Hagrid, AKA all that is is good and pure in this world, so Tommy has made my shit list.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WHAT THE FUCK

HERMIONE GOT GOT.

Oh someone's gonna die tonight
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Of course Fuckstick Sr. wants Hagrid jailed.

GOD I hate him.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Follow the spiders.

Of course.

I fucking hate spiders.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh big spider.

BIG BIG SPIDER.

UNLIKE.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

MOTHERFUCKIN CAR TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN RESCUE.

I was actually starting to get nervous. I scared my cat.

I really hate spiders.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And the car goes off into the wild again. To be a part of his kind.

Majestic, in its way.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OH.

OH CALLED IT.

BASALISK IN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS.

I MEAN I SAID BIGASS SNAKE BUT YOOOOOO
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"A student has been taken, this is the end of Hogwarts!"

Bitch please there's like 19 more movies after this.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

FUCK IT GOT RON'S SISTER.

Fuck em up, Har-bear!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oohhh shocker, Ponce is a fake.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I would love it if the Chamber of Secrets only had one piece of paper in it on which @kfc's 11 herbs and spices were written.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit Tom Riddle is in the chamber?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And he has Harry's wand...
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Guys...

Ginny fucking opened the chamber?!? Fucking what?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Tommy's a Volderdude sympathizer.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wait what

WAIT WHAT

TOM RIDDLE IS VOLDERMORT?!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Stakes are real. Why does harry have the sorting hat? What is happening?!

OH FUXK THAT IS A BIG SNAKE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

THE PHOENIX CHEWED OUT THE BASILISK'S EYES AND I AM CHEERING

FUCK YOU, YA BLIND LEGLESS BITCH.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE CAPS LOCK FROM HERE ON OUT
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OH SHIT SWORD

SWORD
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OH MY GOD HEAD SHOT
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

FUCK YOUR SILLY LITTLE BOOK WITH THIS SILLY BIGASS TOOTH FROM THE SNAKE I JUST SKULLFUCKED.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I STAB THE SHIT OUT OF IT, HUH? RIDDLE ME THE FUCK THAT.

I. AM. SO. HAPPY.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Phoenix tears heal! Shit!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

The sword belonged to fucking Gryffindor dude!

And enter Fuckstick Sr. and manic elf. Who is apparently in service to the Fucksticks.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah now. Did he really have to boot Dobby around?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Sock?

Oh shit, he's free!

Harry you glorious bastard.

AND DOBBY JUST MESSED UP FUCKSTICK SR.

WHY HAVE I NEVER WATCHED THIS BEFORE.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Aw yay, Hermione's back.

Definite sexual tension between her and Ron.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"We're glad to welcome everyone back from the dead"

*claps*

"And exams are cancelled"

*thunderous applause*
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hagrid's back!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Someone needs to start a chant for Hagrid or something. The clapping ain't doing it.

HAGRID. HAGRID. HAGRID!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck these are great movies.

This one just wrapped. I need like a nap or something before the next one.

This is so good guys.

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More from @ChefShwasty

Oct 8, 2018
Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

(hOLY SHIT THAT'S A LONG LINK)

It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...)
Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

Cont'd...
Arwen took it last night, and scampered off with it like a proud little huntress I went to bed, and just as soon as I was about to hit the lights, I hear the fucker short circuit

SQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK

I sprint out to the front room...

Cont'd...
Read 18 tweets
Oct 3, 2018
Let's talk about embarrassing my annoying coworker

Thanks to the combined efforts of my heroes, @vipbanaangel and @EinganaDragon, a can of surströmming is on its way (which is salt-fermented Baltic herring, and one of the nastiest things on the planet)

But here's the thing...
My coworker (henceforth known as D) is one of those tinfoil-hat wearing nut-jobs that think as soon as his face is on the internet, his identity will be stolen and the government will find him, and his life will be over

That being said, he's agreed to buckle on one account...
"I'd only be filmed if it's for a good cause"

I'm gonna get that in writing

Meanwhile, we're going to be advocating for donation "pledges" for the Oregon Foster Parent Association

This is how I've worked this out:
Read 4 tweets
Oct 1, 2018
Let's have a chat about Halloween movies

We'll do another bracket-style, and I'm thinking 16 movies:

8 Halloween classics
VS
8 scary movies

We'll let the majority decide on what the #ShwastyHalloweenSpecial is going to be, BUT there's another thing to decide (cont'd...)
And that... is the format for it

It can either be a #ShwastyLiveTweet like we're all used to

OR

It can be a live recording like what happened with @GeekGoodness

Which means you'd be able to listen to it at any time. We could also do another giveaway

BUT (more cont'd...)
There's pros and cons for each style

#ShwastyLiveTweet Pros:
-More generally accessible
-Easier to pick up and put down
-Easy to make a "best of"

Cons:
-Not as immersive
-Not as impulsive
-Not as drunk

(Cont'd...)
Read 4 tweets
Sep 11, 2018
Have you ever had that weird moment of realization that people see you?

Like, okay, hold on

You spend your entire life looking through your own eyes and moving your own limbs. You never see your facial reactions. You don't see how you walk, you just feel it.
And then you walk in front of a mirror and think, "fuck, this is what people are looking at?"

So you make a couple of the same gestures and faces in the mirror that you did with other people to see if they look weird

BUT THAT MAKES IT WEIRDER
And then you go back out and start trying to act natural like you didn't just have this exestential crisis of self and identity and are trying to play it cool

Meanwhile you're freaking out wondering if people feel the same way about their own emotive physicality
Read 5 tweets
Sep 2, 2018
Alright, so "Lost World"

I'm purposely not reading ANYTHING on the box, but I did see "4 years later" before I closed it

So the park has been abandoned for four years im assuming? And I'm hoping like a motherfucker @jeffreygoldbIum is in it

#JurassicParkLiveTweet starts NOW!
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Shit it's been a while. I'm like... A little nervous?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey is that the same island from Lost?
Read 91 tweets
Jul 21, 2018
#ShwastyLiveTweet of #JurassicPark starts NOW

I know this movie is about a dinosaur island, which would been a less appealing name for the movie

I don't know any of the actors in it, or ANYTHING. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something goes horribly wrong, though

HIT IT
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

I'm prepared y'all
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

This is some ominous ass music man.
Read 102 tweets

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