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May 7, 2018 95 tweets 26 min read Read on X
Day 3, movie 3.

Not a lot going on with this cover except some flying thing in the background. Harry seems to have grown several feet taller. Tall enough to pimp slap Dudley is his goddamn mouth? I hope so.

Here we go: #HarryPotterLiveTweet of the #PrisonerOfAzkaban!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I've been told the third one is the best, so let's see.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Sad my man Harry is still living at home. You're a famous fuck wizard, my dude. Emancipate. Get a flat. Smoke little cigars. Buy an Xbox. Be Harry Motherfucking Potter.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dudley's dad (I suck at names) is wearing a fat suit, right? His body is shaped like @KarlPilkington's head: a fuckin' orange.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And who is THIS BITCH callin Harry's mom a bitch?

Oh. oh. OH. YOU DONE GOT FAT AND FLOATY.

FLY. FLY AWAY AND BE WITH YOUR KIND: OTHER FAT FLYING BITCHES.

Also, DOUBLE headshot on Dudley with the buttons.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

FINALLY he threatens someone with a wand. Its about god damn time.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Demon dog followed by a ghost double decker bus. I really need to be more observant of my surroundings.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

THIS BUS HAS A CHANDELIER BUT NO JAMESON?

Oh. Nvm. They're stoned. Take it away Ernie.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

NEVERMIND SLOW DOWN ERNIE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck me, Gary Oldman is in this? I love him!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I like the hunchback's bedside manner. Just grab em by the collar.

OH I DON'T LIKE THE BITEY BOOK. Its worse than the damn screaming plant baby!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I am so worried about Scabbers.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wesley Sr. kinda looks like a more smiley version of Martin Freeman.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

The dark train is making me nervous.

And now it's cold?

Oh thisnisntgood

what the FUCK IS THAT THING

WHATBTHE FYC

FUCK WHAT?!

THIS IS A KID'S MOVIE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Is it EATING Harry?!?!?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Who is this mustachio'd gentleman savior and why do I respect him more than myself at this juncture?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Of course.

Dementor.

Couldn't name it anything less terrifying.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

The kids singing "double double boil and trouble" (I guess that's what it is)

Is that cultural appropriation?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Who's that guy filling in for Big D?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

... Richard Harris died before the third movie didn't he
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I misunderstood. I thought he died AFTER the third movie.

I thought I had one more.

I thought we had more time.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm going to call this guy "Dumbledore" with quotations

Because that's what it feels like

I am sad.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Tbh if my tea leaves looked like a demon devil dog, I'd kinda shit myself a bit, too. Don't need a class to tell me that's messed up.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

HAAAAAAAAGRIIIIIIIIID MY DUDE!

I love this guy.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And Hagrid's a teacher now! Awesome!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Scarface vs Blondie round two?

Nope, Blondie just pussyfoots around and makes a middle school insult.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I want a hippogriff.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why do Hagrid and the Hippogriff seem like they're running a con together?

Bow to him. Don't insult him. Don't make eye contact. Don't talk about obscure 70's prog. Compliment his smoky eye.

Meanwhile, 'Griff is laughing his ass off.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Griff just balled on Blondie. Fuck off you pompous fuckboi.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I've heard the term "Longbottoming," does that refer to whatshisface on here?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"A boggart takes the shape of whatever you fear the most"

Jokes on you, bitch, you can't turn into that one time I smoked too much pot and freaked out while trying to listen to Captain Beefheart.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ho hum Lupin fears a full moon.

I wonder what the twist about LUPIN will be.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Someone assaulted the fat lady.

I wonder who they're going to frame for this one.

BOOM THAT'S AN AWESOME PUN AND YOU KNOW IT.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

*WIND WHISTLING*

*CROWS SHRIEKING*

*WOMEN CRYING*

*MEN COWERING*

*THUNDERCLAP*

*OVERHEAD SCREEN FLAPPING*

... Turn to page three hundred and ninety four.

Said it before. I'll say it again. #Lifegoal is to enter every room like Snape does.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why do the dementors have such a hard on for Harry?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

So wait the dementors attack Harry because he has PTSD from getting zapped as a baby and shit?

Huh.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good.

I'm getting that tattooed somewhere inappropriate.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Also uhhhhhhh I need one of those maps for completely ethical reasons.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

MURDERING FUCKING SIRIUS IS HARRY'S GODFATHER
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Okay, rethinking this Sirius cat. If he's on #TeamPotter then he had his reasons. He has to be a good guy. Right?

I trust James to have better instinct than that.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Professor Totallynotawerewolf Lupin has a weird chocolate obsession...
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

GOD DAMMIT DID HERMIONE'S CAT KILL SCABBERS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I love Scabbers. Second best character next to Hagrid. He deserves better than this!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

They're really gonna do Buckbeak dirty like that for kicking Blondie? Naahhh.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah Peter Pettigrew is walking around on the map?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wait if he's alive, then Sirius isn't a murderer!

Fucking knew it. Gary Oldman has AND WILL NEVER play a bad guy.

Don't google that.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I love how Snape gets along with exactly fucking nobody

You're a rebel, boo. You do you.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why y'all posting pics of people eating popcorn whenever I talk about Scabbers?

He deserves better. He deserves love and carrots. I love rats.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Tea leaf professor. She's a freak on the DL.

RT if you know what I'm talking about. 😉
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What's with the dude and the big ominous axe?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

FUCK BLONDIE UP, HERMIONE.

OH SHIT.

SHE DOESN'T NEED MAGIC

SHE JUST PUNCHED A MOTHERFUCKER IN THE MOOOOUTH.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Yeah, Hagrid. Set Buckbeak free.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

SCABBERS IS BACK!!!!

True hero of this series.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit. Axe guy.

He's gonna kill Buckbeak? I mean, not really though. This is a kid's book.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Run up and set em free, Harry.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hermione? Ron?

Someone?

Guys?

What?

Why running that way?

Guys?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Guys

Guys

What

what

WHAT

SERIOUSLY

THEY KILLED FUCKING BUCKBEAK

WHAT THE SHIT
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And then Ron gets dragged down by a fucking wolf?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm not okay
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit. Sirius was the demon dog?!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

AND HES FRIENDS WITH LUPIN?!

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPEN
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why do they want to kill them?!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

No. What? Don't kill anyone Sirius. I have a bet riding on this!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What Peter?

And now queue Snape.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set?"

#wizardburns
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

HARRY KNOWS WHAT'S UP ATTACKING SNAPE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wait what.

Scabbers.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

SCABBERS IS PETER PETTIGREW AND A SERVENT OF VOLDERMORT

AND HE BETRAYED EVERYONE

WHAT

HOW

WHAT
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I FEEL SO FUCKING BETRAYED
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm pausing the movie for a second. I need to think about some shit.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Lupin werewolf is not good.

I'm emotionally spent.

Can something go right, please.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I fucking love Snape. Went from grabbing kids by the throat to I WILL DIE FOR ALL OF YOU, GET BEHIND ME.

Tearing up a bit.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh fuck me. Ice lake.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

THATS

THATS A LOT

LOOOOOT OF DEMENTORS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dude you can't take em yet you're not a high enough level RUN
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wtf is that white deer

HOLY SHIT IT WAS A DEER NUKE

THAT DEER JUST NUKED THE DEMENTORS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

So we're just ignoring the deer nuke or what

Harry that deer wasn't your dad. At best, it was some weird by-product of Nazi occult experiments that got radioactive.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Three turns of what?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OH SHIT HERE WE GO

TIME TRAVEL
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Aw yiss I get to watch Blondie get decked twice.

Nvm rewound and watched it to make it a third.

Nice.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

SAVE BUCKBEAK YOU DUMB FUCKERS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I swear to god if they let him die again, I'm going to throw a damn fit.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And Harry still bows.

How about

Uhh

How about save Buckbeak from being headless first and then worry about the formalities.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

They did it!

Haha!

And Dumbledore totally knows what's up.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Executioner, your services are no longer required."

Translated from proper English:

Stuff that reeky-ass gimp suit up a pumpkin and get the fuck out my castle.

Bitch.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

BUCKBEAK MY BADASS MOTHERFUCKER KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF A WAREWOLF LIKE IT'S JUST ANOTHER TUESDAY
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Alriiiight, time for another deer nuke
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

HARRY WAS THE DEER NUKE?!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Someone please start a band and call it Deer Nuke Harry.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Alright. Fine. I'm feeling better about this. Less depressed.

Fucking exhausted, though.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I want Sirius to become a teacher at Hogwarts:

Being a Badass 101

How to Carve a Prison Shank Only Using Another Prison Shank

Wolves: A Brief History of How That Shit Rules
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Mischief managed."

Lupin walks away letting people just shit themselves as the map folds itself.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Third movie is a wrap.

I'm like really sick, but my body wants to go do karate or something. I'm pumped.

I'm just gonna go back to loving Scabbers though. Fuck Peter. But Scabbers... Ain't nothin wrong with that.

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More from @ChefShwasty

Oct 8, 2018
Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

(hOLY SHIT THAT'S A LONG LINK)

It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...)
Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

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Arwen took it last night, and scampered off with it like a proud little huntress I went to bed, and just as soon as I was about to hit the lights, I hear the fucker short circuit

SQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK

I sprint out to the front room...

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Read 18 tweets
Oct 3, 2018
Let's talk about embarrassing my annoying coworker

Thanks to the combined efforts of my heroes, @vipbanaangel and @EinganaDragon, a can of surströmming is on its way (which is salt-fermented Baltic herring, and one of the nastiest things on the planet)

But here's the thing...
My coworker (henceforth known as D) is one of those tinfoil-hat wearing nut-jobs that think as soon as his face is on the internet, his identity will be stolen and the government will find him, and his life will be over

That being said, he's agreed to buckle on one account...
"I'd only be filmed if it's for a good cause"

I'm gonna get that in writing

Meanwhile, we're going to be advocating for donation "pledges" for the Oregon Foster Parent Association

This is how I've worked this out:
Read 4 tweets
Oct 1, 2018
Let's have a chat about Halloween movies

We'll do another bracket-style, and I'm thinking 16 movies:

8 Halloween classics
VS
8 scary movies

We'll let the majority decide on what the #ShwastyHalloweenSpecial is going to be, BUT there's another thing to decide (cont'd...)
And that... is the format for it

It can either be a #ShwastyLiveTweet like we're all used to

OR

It can be a live recording like what happened with @GeekGoodness

Which means you'd be able to listen to it at any time. We could also do another giveaway

BUT (more cont'd...)
There's pros and cons for each style

#ShwastyLiveTweet Pros:
-More generally accessible
-Easier to pick up and put down
-Easy to make a "best of"

Cons:
-Not as immersive
-Not as impulsive
-Not as drunk

(Cont'd...)
Read 4 tweets
Sep 11, 2018
Have you ever had that weird moment of realization that people see you?

Like, okay, hold on

You spend your entire life looking through your own eyes and moving your own limbs. You never see your facial reactions. You don't see how you walk, you just feel it.
And then you walk in front of a mirror and think, "fuck, this is what people are looking at?"

So you make a couple of the same gestures and faces in the mirror that you did with other people to see if they look weird

BUT THAT MAKES IT WEIRDER
And then you go back out and start trying to act natural like you didn't just have this exestential crisis of self and identity and are trying to play it cool

Meanwhile you're freaking out wondering if people feel the same way about their own emotive physicality
Read 5 tweets
Sep 2, 2018
Alright, so "Lost World"

I'm purposely not reading ANYTHING on the box, but I did see "4 years later" before I closed it

So the park has been abandoned for four years im assuming? And I'm hoping like a motherfucker @jeffreygoldbIum is in it

#JurassicParkLiveTweet starts NOW!
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Shit it's been a while. I'm like... A little nervous?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey is that the same island from Lost?
Read 91 tweets
Jul 21, 2018
#ShwastyLiveTweet of #JurassicPark starts NOW

I know this movie is about a dinosaur island, which would been a less appealing name for the movie

I don't know any of the actors in it, or ANYTHING. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something goes horribly wrong, though

HIT IT
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

I'm prepared y'all
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

This is some ominous ass music man.
Read 102 tweets

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