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May 10, 2018 20 tweets 11 min read Twitter logo Read on Twitter
Ruth's Official List of Animals Who Have Never Entered #Eurovision But Totally Could If They Wanted

an official list, by Ruth.
1. This Bear

Strictly speaking, this Bear isn't a real Bear. But then again, Dustin the Turkey isn't a real Bear either, and he's been to the Eurovision.

This Bear would have a DJ on stage, and he would say "drop the B-B-B-Bear Beat!"

And then the beat would drop.

2. This Howler Monkey

This Howler Monkey would represent a small Balkan nation and wear a highly embroidered loose shirt and sing a melancholic folk song with a dramatic key change midway the third chorus.

It would be a thing of beauty.

3. This Superb Bird-of-Paradise

This Superb Bird-of-Paradise would represent Sweden.
The song would be average.
The staging woud be spectacular.

Sweden would come 2nd.
And they would have been robbed.

4. This Tibetan Fox

Nobody can remember what this Tibetan Fox sang.
We think we remember it was pretty good.
But there was no use of pyrotechnics and he sang third in the night so we can't ever be sure.

We think he was from Switzerland.

5. This Tortoise

This Tortoise has already won the Eurovision 3 times: in 1965 and 1968 as performer; in 1987 as song writer.
His home country hasn't won since.

For nostalgia value alone, we expect him to make a top 10 finish on Saturday.

6. This Dik-Dik

This Dik-Dik is the youngest contestant in this year's #Eurovision

International commentators are describing her voice as "soulful" and "big".
They will say she is the voice of the contest.

She will come 17th.

We won't hear of her again.
7. A Flamboyance of Flamingos

16 Flamingos in a highly choreographed pop number.

Less than a 1/3 of actual song is devoted to singing, but wind machine is on full.
And the pyrotechnics cause 3 minor injuries to the audience.

Worthy #Eurovision winners, they will finish 4th.
8. This Aye-Aye

This Aye-Aye doesn't wear shoes in her performance.
All national broadcasters mention this in their commentary.
Because it's quirky.

Excellent use of the fog + lasers, unfortunately the lyrics - which were about volcanoes or glaciers or something - were weak.
good luck tonight, @sweden!

9. This Pair of Seagulls

Their studio recording sounded amazing.
We were hyped.

However, during the live performance, they were off-key.
There weren't even any lasers to distract us.

They are left in semi-final obscurity.

10. This Cool Llama

This Llama is really cool.
All the national broadcasters say so.

And he plays his own guitar!

He's from one of the #Eurovision Big Five and gives the camera a cool shrug when he get nul points from a neighbour.

He doesn't care. He's cool.
11. A Classically Trained Hippo

An electro-opera crossover.

It starts with a close up.
There's complete darkness, apart from his lips which are lit by a faint blue spot light.

Then the wide shot:
There's a ballet dancer in a cage.
Now the cage is on fire.

12. This Crane

"Just you wait for the high note!", say the national broadcaster commentators.
We wait.
It's pretty good.

The stellar use of fog and lasers is what impresses us though.

The song is probably about death or war or something.
A solid club hit.

13. A Stoat

It's in French.

14. This Caterpillar

This Caterpillar isn't very good.
But she's from a country with a large overseas population.

Die-hard #Eurovision fans will be close to tears during the 1st half of Saturday's count, decrying falling standards.

She will receive nul points from the juries.
15. A Red Kangaroo

The beat is infectious.
The staging is perfect.
It's pure #Eurovision

It's a travesty.
16. A Sounder of Swines

From last year's winning nation, this year we get a rock ballad from a veteren group who had two top 50 songs in the C. European charts during the early 00s.

They'll get a smattering of 4s and 6s from the popular vote, and be happy about it.

17. This Frog

It's a song about rain.
Or maybe it's about love.
I'm not sure.

But rain is definitely in the title. And the lyrics.

And it's raining.

Oh, Lithuania!

have you any late additions for the list, @martylyricfm, before tomorrow night? #AllAboard

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