Thread by @FinalSayForAll

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1. Treeza surveyed the party and gave a rousing speech: “We been tasked by Will O'thepeople to enforce the rite of B’rexit! And that is what we will do! We are here to ‘get on with the job’ ‘drive from the rear’ and ‘crush the saboteurs'.”

2. The Chumps cheered. They loved it when Treeza recited the great D’alymeil. True poetry. Silence followed. “So what do we do now?” asked BoJo, always looking for a good stabbing opportunity.

3. “PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONSULT THE SAGE COUNCIL OF HEXPERTS,” came a booming voice behind them.

4. “Ah. Fleeep D’Hammond!” barked Treeza. “You do have a habit of sneaking up on people.” The others leered. MyGove cackled. They could sense a potential Smiting Opportunity. “Excellent advice, I’m sure,” grinned Treeza.

4. “Of course, my lady,” said Fleeep, bowing deeply. “But we must have due diligence.” He smiled. Treeza’s face barely changed its expression as she muttered a spell with lightning speed. Fleep’s face froze into a rictus grin as he turned into stone.

6. “Thanks for the advice, Fleep,” said Treeza with a smile. The Chumps chuckled, cackled and guffawed. The popcorn fell on Fleeep’s head like rain. “Prithee, my lady,” sang D’Davis, “what shall we do next?”

7. Silence fell again. Phox whistled tunelessly. BoJo picked his nails with one of his many knives. D’Davis picked his nose and wiped it on MyGove.

8. Treeza eyed them with growing irritation. “Well?! What should we do?! We need some decisive action, we need to be Getting on With The Job.” Phox raised his hand triumphantly “Well, we could go see the Heggerts Clowns Ville” “You mean the Council of Hexperts!” Treeza barked.

9. “Ah yes. Sorry can’t hear very well through the old *bangs on helmet* HELMUT.” Treeza sighed. The Chumps waited with bated breath. MyGove’s flatulent arse gave a sad trombone- like noise. “VERY WELL,” boomed Treeza, “it’s not like we’ve got anything else to do.”

10. “WELCOME… to the SAGE COUNCIL OF HEXPERTS,” boomed a voice. “What can we help you with?”

11. Treeza eyed the shadowy figures before her. So these were the men and women of knowledge, who knew why the sun rose and the stars shone. And the correct way to pronounce the word ‘scone’.

12. “Thank you, my lords and ladies,” said Treeza in the manner of someone barely containing a smirk. “We have been tasked with invoking the sacred rite of B’rexit, and came to see if you had any… er ADVICE on this matter.”

13. The council sat silently but the chairman solemnly stated, “Thank you for your request. We will now confer.” Much mumbling commenced but the Chumps were able to make out the odd phrase here and there such as “absolute lunacy...” “can’t be done...”

14. Treeza’s eyes narrowed. She was beginning to lose her patience. She tapped her foot. Loudly. The chairman turned around: “I’m sorry Mistress Treeza, we may be some time. Our initial assessment is that this would be an extremely long, painful and tricky process...”

15. “We would advise at least a year’s consultation to examine all the evidence and see if it is even worth pursuing.” Treeza’s mouth froze in a rictus grin. “But. It. Is. Decreed. By. The. Will O'thepeople.”

16. The chairman smiled benevolently. “Alas, Will O'thepeople isn’t all it’s cracked up to be”. “Very well,” said Treeza in a low growl. “We’ll leave you to it.” The Chumps followed her out of the door.

17. As they all came out, Treeza scowled. “Something must be done about these Hexperts. They are dangerous.”

18. Phox’s large face beamed as he plated up his new jam recipe for the confused looking Hexperts. “Eat up, eat up!” he gestured. “COME NOW BOYS,” boomed Treeza. It’s time to GO.” They left the chambers and headed off on their ridiculous quest.

19. Treeza sighed. “Oh well. What’s done is done. We best be getting on with the job. PRAISE B’REXIT” “PRAISE B’REXIT,” the others echo. “...EXIT” came Phox’s slightly later echo. He was always a bit behind the others.

20. “So what do we do now, prithee?” sang D’Davis, slightly off tune as always. “I know what you can do,” came an ominous whisper from the shadows.

21. The Chumps gasped as a small man with white hair stepped out from the shadows. “I know how the rite of B’rexit can be delivered,” he said cryptically. “But first I need some assurances from you.” “CORBYNOT,” sneered Treeza. “I should have known.”

22. The old man ignored her and continued, “If you deliver B’rexit, I want you to disappear to the land where the Papers of Paradise reside. I will then take over the running of the realm,” he pronounced coolly.

23. Treezas eyes narrowed. “How can we trust you?” she barked. “You can’t,” he said with a wry smile. “But B’rexit is all about FAITH, isn’t it? Perhaps you should have a little yourself - take the leap from the cliff and see what happens,” he smirked.

24. The Chumps stared from one to the other. Treeza knew she was being tested. “Very well!” she snapped, “We have an accord.” They shook hands and Corbynot led the way to a local tavern to discuss their terms.

**INTERMISSION**

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25. They entered a dark tavern and found a murky corner to sit. BoJo cleaned his nails with his knife, Phox attempted to remove his helmet much to the entertainment of Mygove, and D’Davis hummed tunelessly whilst exploring the contents of his nasal passage.

26. Treeza and Corbynot eyed each other warily. A buxom wench delivered a pitcher of ale to the table. Bojo goggled at her and followed her back to the bar to regale her with his tall tales. She eyed him with a knowing stare and shooed away a small group of butterflies.

27. “Are you going to tell me about yourself?” Bojo slurred. “I’m a Bloke. I don’t fraternise with the customers, it’s personal. FACT!” Bojo wasn’t about to give up that easily. “Go on, I’m sure I could tempt you. I’ve had training in this sort of thing.”

28. Bloke grinned. “How about we go back to mine and I’ll show you my Jaffer Curses?” Before he could ask what that meant he got a huge crack across his face. Bojo was taken aback and shuffled back to the corner. “You don’t look like a Bloke”, he murmured.

29. At first they sat around the table eyeing each other, Bojo stroking his stinging cheek. Treeza couldn’t stand the tension any longer, and finally broke the silence. “Well?!” she snapped. “Let’s hear it.”

30. Corbynot sat back and puffed on his pipe. “Patience is a virtue,” he said. “Patience is for those not on the clock,” Treeza hissed. “I have only a short window to enable the rite of B’rexit and none of us are getting any younger.”

31. Phox fell off his chair at this point, still unable to remove his helmet. MyGove chuckled maniacally as he threw an empty vial of superglue over his shoulder. He then started humping D’Davis leg.

32. Corbynot leaned in and whispered, “I have heard tell of three Ityms of great magical might, which can unlock the Unicorn of B’rexit - the only thing that can invoke the rite successfully.” Treeza’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

33. “Unicorns? UNICORNS? Are you quite MAD?” Treeza bellowed. The tavern hubbub came to an abrupt halt. Corbynot raised his eyebrows. “Temper, temper, my lady.” Treeza eyed the room nervously. She had never quite mastered public speaking.

34. “Errmm, CHEERS everyone! Just a slight disagreement between friends. Carry on. Carry on,” she rambled nervously with a brittle faux cheeriness and a smile that would make flowers wilt and die.

35. The peasants still stared, unsure what to do next. “ISAIDCARRYON!!!” she shrieked. D’Davis then piped up, “Perhaps a song will please the people…?” The Chumps, including Corbynot, turned round and in a single voice of desperation cried “NO!” D’Davis sat down sulkily.

36. Bojo leaned in and whispered into Treeza’s ear, “Easy… we don’t want to draw undue attention.” Treeza grinned like a 3-day-old corpse. “I mean… DRINKS ON ME!” she cried. The peasants cheered. Perhaps the lady with her creepy band of circus rejects weren’t so bad after all.

37. Corbynot leered. “Smooth, my lady. Of course a band of your unusual… err… characters… buying drinks for everyone may not have been the most discreet course of action.” Treeza’s face stiffened into a grimace. “Don’t worry,” she said. “It won’t be a problem.”

38. “Now about these unicorns…” she continued. Corbynot lowered his voice. “Legend has it that three magical ityms will invoke the Brexicorn who’ll complete the rite of B’rexit. Collect these ityms... and NOTHING will stop B’Rexit from happening.“

39. “Do we have a deal? I tell you the whereabouts of the ityms and you will agree to leave upon the invocation of B’rexit?” Corbynot stretched out his hand. Treeza attempted a smile but ended up looking like a constipated hyena.

40. “We have a deal,” she grinned. “Now tell all. Omit nothing.” The Chumps huddled around the table as Corbynot divulged all he knew about the magical ityms of B’Rexit.

END OF FIRST ACT

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