Thread by @MaxieMoosie

Nobody every gave this talk to me.

Look, we all understand conceptually that rape is bad. Doesn’t mean we understand boundaries, enthusiastic vs revoked consent, or some of the more subtle forms of predatory behavior.

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Like, we all understand that Edward Cullen popping into Bella’s bedroom to watch her sleep is creepy as hell, but we don’t understand how Ross Gellar’s entitlement and subtle manipulations are also quite predatory.

I think part of the problem is in film and TV (the most popular fiction of this century for better or worse), the machinations of the male characters always win the girl over. Like, without fail.

When was the last time you watched a show where a man with a long standing interest in someone... well it just never gelled in some capacity? Xander Harris’ affections for Buffy is the only example I can think of, and he’s still an asshole.

How do we internalize is when we see a man always being rewarded for showing an interest in a woman with... that woman reciprocating, albeit after a season of false starts and other love interests?

Yes, there are exceptions. This is true of any general observation.

And you know, telling someone how you feel can be very sweet. It also carries some unspoken expectations and puts a shit ton of pressure on her, but that’s never a problem on TV. It always works out and your love interest will ask herself how to accommodate you if she isn’t ready

Flowers can be sweet (I personally hate them). Flowers can also be manipulative (that’s not why I hate them). Flowers every week with bad poetry after repeated rejections and she hasn’t responded to the last 15 deliveries is harassment.

Of course on TV, women always swoon with a bouquet and poetry written by TV writers after a long day who just want their paycheck.

Like, nice gestures in one context can be quite creepy in another, or when they’re used forcefully. But we are always shown gestures working after the first time with a success rate close to 100.

And if the woman says she needs some time, she always means that very literally, not because she’s not interested and is trying to let you down easy so you don’t shoot her (a legit concern sadly), or she genuinely doesn’t know how she feels and that lines avoids a discussion.

When women do enforce boundaries with men on TV, it is respected. Because the boundaries are never uncomfortable for men, always, “Hey just hold on for three to nine episodes TOPS!”

And when they don’t talk, it’s a short term thing for drama, solved with one heart to heart.

It’s no wonder men have trouble with boundaries and women aren’t comfortable being honest to them (to be fair, honestly to suitors has a quantifiable mortality rate).

We never see boundaries presented as anything more than a temporary inconvenience that really never seems to make the man uncomfortable. Oh, and not relentlessly pursuing her is never presented as a boundary.

It doesn’t help that everyone in the real world very actively encourages this behavior by telling you how sweet you’re being and she will love you if she just sees what a great guy you are, however abrasively.

Or with people constantly telling you what a bitch she is since she couldn’t just be honest and reject you outright, or how short sighted she is for rejecting you since you’re such a great guy.

Seriously, it’s always her fault. This is why I’m very private about that stuff.

I will say that telling someone how I’ve felt has always gone best when

1) We’re already in a relationship

Or

2) I tell her in a way where there’s no expectation that our relationship changes

Sometimes not telling someone how you feel is the best choice you can make.

But opening with the L word is always a shit ton of pressure that women must struggle to politely comfort you despite being put on the spot. And rejecting someone with strong feelings for you sucks.

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