I write & garden. Strong feelings about bugs, plants & heirloom vegetables. Wrote some books, won some awards. T. Kingfisher is my secret identity. She/Her
Aug 14, 2018 • 20 tweets • 3 min read
BUFFALO: Get in there and seduce that lich!
CHEETAH: I'm bad at that.
BUFFALO: THEN WHY DID YOU PLAY THE SEDUCTIVE CHARACTER
CHEETAH: I thought it would be fun?
BUFFALO: THEN GET IN THERE AND STICK YOUR TONGUE IN THE LICH'S EAR
Five minutes later...
CHEETAH: Look, if I'm not your type, I know lots of strong women!
CORGI: How did this go from CHEETAH seducing the lich to pimping out the party?
Aug 7, 2018 • 37 tweets • 5 min read
D&D Night, and we have encountered two oozes. A lengthy discussion of the life and times of ooze-kind has followed.
CENTIPEDE ASSASSIN: Can they corrode through my bucket?
GM: I dunno, what's the bucket made of?
CENTIPEDE: The taco guy sold it to me, so I assume it's high quality.
Jul 17, 2018 • 28 tweets • 4 min read
It's D&D night and the party is being attacked by enchanted furniture. Attempts to intimidate a chair have failed.
There is an evil book in the library.
CORGI PALADIN: I'm going to grab that book and bite it and shake it!
CHEETAH ROGUE: I try to grab the paladin.
CORGI: IF YOU DO I WILL WIGGLE
Jun 26, 2018 • 22 tweets • 4 min read
BUFFALO: Look, I'm not suggesting we do this to random passersby, but something you just need to use other party members as a bludgeoning weapon! #DnD
GM: The door is painted rust.
PARTY: What? We have the paladin smell the door!
GM: ...what are you trying to determine here?
PARTY: RUST IS A WEIRD COLOR FOR A DOOR ALSO WE HAVE TRUST ISSUES OKAY
Mar 9, 2018 • 13 tweets • 2 min read
The only Tolkien spin-off I want now is an Uruk-Hai who had a religious experience when he saw the Ents marching on Isengard, lived through the fight, and threw himself at Treebeard’s feet crying “TEACH ME TO BE A TREE!”
“Hroom.” The Ents were a bit put off, but nobody wanted to be hasty. I mean, Uruk-Hai.
Still, everybody knows there’s some elf way back in the orc genes.
Dec 6, 2017 • 9 tweets • 2 min read
Oh my god, you guys, I am reading an EPIC story of seed saving and it has taken a turn you will not believe.
NO, REALLY.
So this guy in the 1920s finds a Native American pot with preserved watermelon seeds in a cave, right? And it's the '20s, so he takes them home to grow them. (Unlike many other such stories, this one seems to have actual documentation.)
