When I was... 6 or 7...? a beloved aunt and uncle came to visit. My uncle (who was kind! and lovely!) was like 7' tall and had a booming voice. Intimidating! He asked for a hug, and I was too shy. My aunt said, "You have to hug your uncle!" and my mother said, "No she doesn't."

https://twitter.com/geekgirldiva/status/1043169448687882240

My mother understood that assault comes most commonly from people we know and trust, and that no girl (no child! period!) should feel obligated to respond to touch she doesn't want just because it's from family. I am so, so, so grateful she did that.

my dad makes me so fuckin' proud

https://twitter.com/CapitalWriter/status/1042831784055123968

my dad is one of the last reasons why I don't just give up on men altogether. There is so much he has learned in the last 10 years, so many ways his empathy has grown. He abandoned some deeply entrenched prejudices and stayed open to the correcting words of his wife and children

we're all spending a lot of time wondering about weird dicks today, huh like, more than usual

look I never take photos while driving but I had to take my chances for this 8.5” x 11” sign that reads

𝐈𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫
𝐓𝐈 𝐌 𝐄
𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞

extremely normally actually that might be 11" x 17"

anyway, completely normal sign and childcare name

whoops I just accidentally looked at Molly Grue gifs and now I'm ruined a friend on FB: what's everyone's favorite sci-fi/fantasy quote :)
person 1: never tell me the odds!
person 2: curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
person 3: never give up! never surrender!
me:

everyone in North Carolina now either is or knows someone whose life has been absolutely goddamn wrecked by this hurricane. I have friends who fled Wilmington and don't know when or how they can go back, though their house is fine and they got lucky, all things considered— I have a friend in Charlotte whose backyard is now a lake. Friends whose homes have just finished repairs from Matthew, only to be pummelled again by Florence. etc. We all know someone now.

<looks in a mirror>
<mutters under breath> christ overworked/underslept/probably malnourished and dehydrated/no makeup: I understand what turns a person into a light-banishing dark mage

if I had $3 million right now, none of you bitches would ever see me again weichert.com/72043326/ a Kickstarter to get me out of your lives once and for all

The Picture of Andorian Gray #StarTrekANovel here is my attempt to start a virulent hash tag, let's see what happens

ACCEPT MY FUCKING COMPLIMENT, YOU BEAUTIFUL DUMBASSES.

<grinds love and acceptance into your favorite shirt>
<ha ha you'll never get that out now>
<btw I love your shirt>

https://twitter.com/KaramoBrown/status/1029014022715109376

for me, it helps to remember that I DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE THE COMPLIMENT, but that it is so ungracious to throw it back in someone's face. let it make you uncomfortable. feel the discomfort wash over you. and say "thank you" anyway. soon, you might even start to mean it!

Roger would ruin my life and I'd love every minute

https://twitter.com/hblumenreich/status/1028336547358236673

and now, a thread of other cartoon (not just Disney!!) men I would willingly be killed by

still absolutely fucking reeling that an amazing woman my age moved in next door to me a week ago and we became instant friends the way you do in goddamn childhood. this shit never happens in your 30s. I now believe, more strongly than ever, that I am getting Truman Show-ed if y’all detected seismic activity in NC last night, it was new neighbor lady and @szyzy and me bonding over pizza. our woman-friendship mushroom cloud was visible from space

the chorestime kitchen dancing to keep my existential dread at bay continues apace faking it ‘till I kick it

<stares ahead with a flat, shell-shocked expression>

guys, I. I did it. I mowed the lawn.

most of it. most of it. here are two lawn mowers. I usually use the gas-powered Honda. It won’t start, so I borrowed the neighbor’s electric Kobol.

I’d like to have a word with the folks at Kobol who thought dragging a 100-ft. power cord behind a LAWN MOWER was a Great Idea

I think I just briefly and accidentally became a middle-aged neighbor's Manic Pixie Dream Girl and actually I'm okay with it I was walking my dog, and we turned down a little cul-de-sac we don't usually go down. I could hear the strains of a familiar song, and soon I saw the source: a middle-aged guy and his white SUV (a Tahoe?), from which Tom Petty's "Saving Grace" was blaring

I flipped a fried egg perfectly, in one of those lil tiny one-egg pans, and I was so excited I let out a WHOO, at which time—

AT WHICH TIME—

my dog bowed, then pulled out of the bow with the a-woo-woo-WOO-woo all pittie owners know and cherish

greatest 1:30 a.m. egg of my life luv 2 team whoo with a friendly trashwolf

me: hi! I tried to order food but it said my card was declined? I have money
bank: hmmmm, you should be fine
me: huh. hey DoorDash, what's good?
@DoorDash_Help: hmmm, call your bank
me: ...
bank, again: nope, it's not us
me: .........
DD: uhhhh
me: I would just drive to the place I want food from, or even THE STORE, and get the food, but my car has been in the shop for the last two days and I've been Lyfting everywhere, so like

send tacos

I've gotten a couple dozen new followers in the last two or three days for some reason! Hi! welcome/why?/sorry-in-advance. I think most of you found me because I left a dumb comment on a @ChuckWendig thread?? so okay REAL QUICK ABOUT ME: I am a repository of Extremely Random Facts About the Natural Sciences and tbh if I had the time and money, I'd go back to school for a biology grad degree. I WILL ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW YOUR SCIENCE TRIVIA bc I'm excited you're excited!! but:

INVISIBLE CLOUDMAN WANTS US TO KILL PEOPLE WHO DO MURDERS
NO HE DOESN'T
YES HE DOES
NO HE DOESN'T
YES HE DOES, I ASKED HIM
NO, /I/ ASKED HIM AND HE SAID DOING A KILL IS BAD /AND/ THAT YOU'RE GOING TO INVISIBLE FIREMAN FOR DISAGREEING
WRONG
NO YOU
INVISIBLE CLOUDMAN LIKES ME BEST I've tried really hard the last few years not to be directly shitty about faith but sorry, watching y'all bicker about what Sky Dad MEANT is just too fucking ludicrous to ignore

DAMN, Mars doesn’t even look REAL right now right now Mars looks the way you’d expect it to look if it had been painted on the sky by someone who had just regained their sight after 30 years of blindness and who had only read about Mars in Coleridge fever poems

I missed @pattonoswalt's Raleigh stop in 2016. I wanted tickets for my then-bf and me, but he was out of work and I was struggling to support us, so we didn't go. I'm still struggling, but I got a small freelance windfall and going to his next show feels like investing in me. Patton Oswalt is my favorite favorite favorite comedian. He's even from the same part of Virginia I'm from. I was so disappointed I couldn't go last time. This month will be tight but I'm really excited to get these tickets. I don't remember the last time I could afford a show.