TIME TO UPDATE THE OL' ENEMIES LIST

it now includes CATERPILLARS

get ready to hear the tale of my date last night, which was a FUCKING NIGHTMARE so I'm gonna make dinner, because I like to cook and my date likes to eat, you know, like how people do

the plan is: fancy linguine with italian sausage and broccolini and you know, fuckin, shrimp and stuff

IT WAS A GOOD PLAN

My heart goes ALL the way out to all the tiny pissbaby men who are currently Very Sad that they are being asked to think about whether or not their behavior is appropriate. It is very hard for them right now and they deserve our thoughts and prayers Please dedicate as much sympathy as possible to these yolk-bellied men who have literally never risen to meet an expectation before in their lives. They are stressed

I opened a bottle of wine to have a very tiny glass, and @ryandroyd immediately ate the fucking cork. I guess I'm just going to have to use the rest of the bottle to make

~*BOEUF BOURGUIGNON*~

(gdi ryan) @ryandroyd First, I gotta slice up a pound of mushrooms. I wasn't sure if my new Blade Whisk would be up to the task but it worked out pretty swell, probably because it's gay

I'm on the line right now and y'all, this is going weird as hell

https://twitter.com/BLMLA/status/1014697248511483904

will tell y'all a true thing about me: I am VERY BAD at verbal arguments. I had a script written down for this call, anticipating that I would advocate the release of #ThereseParriciaOkoumou and then get a "thank you for your input" and then hang up

I just got on a plane and I was mysteriously upgraded to first class?? I am an interloper in the land of large seats and no one here seems suspicious of my presence In first class, if I sit back in my seat (which is the size of my entire apartment) and stretch my arms out all the way, I can't reach the seat in front of me. Is this how wealthy people fly ALL THE TIME

(TW: Suicidal ideation and depression)

How do I even talk about this? I have no idea, but here goes, because maybe it'll help.

Deciding not to reach out? It starts small, and it gets big faster than you realize. This is what it has looked like for me:

There's the idea, and it's a noise that won't go away. And you know you're supposed to tell someone about the noise, but if you tell them, they'll get scared, and it's just a noise, so whatever. Ignore it.

I didn't think you kids were interested in hearing how I met your grandfather. It's not a very interesting story. You're sure you want to hear it?
Okay, okay, fine. If you insist. I remember it like it was yesterday... It all started when your gramps came back from war. He and I saw each other across the crowd and we just KNEW. We were making eyes at each other the whole time the prince was greeting my father. It was love at first sight!

I have completed the arcane ritual of hiding decoy eggs so the real ones stand a better chance of hatching next year. Hopefully the ravenous children will fall for it and devour only the imposters. If they don't, the rabbit population will decrease. Mating competition will become unpleasantly ferocious. The few surviving females will be fought over by the aggressive new-hatched males. Blood -- blood everywhere.

it's friday night and y'all know I like to party so WHO WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT PANGOLINS a pangolin is what you get when an armadillo and a pinecone decide to have a kid in an attempt to save their failing marriage

I cannot begin to tell y'all how much my life has improved since I learned to intentionally trigger my mammalian diving reflex, love tricking my spleen every damn day OK I'M GONNA TELL YOU HOW THE MAMMALIAN DIVING REFLEX WORKS
(this is a good thread for Valentine's Day because it involves the heart AND the spleen and something called blood shift, what's more romantic than BLOOD SHIFT)

Alright y'all I'm alone on Thanksgiving and that means I'm teaching you how to make a Sarah Gailey Original called

Champagne Potatoes Step one: Fill a pot with water and use your hot kitchen rectangle to turn it into hot water

Here is a thread of some Good Things for your Tuesday:

- Honey slowly drizzling off one of those fancy honey drizzlers onto one half of a roasted fig - A dog wearing a little raincoat splashing in a puddle because you can't stop a dog from getting wet if he really wants to

- Frogs, just, all frogs, all of them

Who wants to hear the story of the date I witnessed between Wolf Girl and James Spader's Lonely Doppleganger?

I HOPE IT'S YOU So I take myself out to Fancy Alone Dinner bc I'm a Fancy Alone Lady now and I get to do things like order duck for one. I get all cozy.

Okay, let's start this mess.
Blade Runner. Livewatch. HERE. WE. GO. Nothing like a good long opening synth credits sequence to make a gal feel right at home