Thread by @GSarafan

My Dearest Beloved,
It has been but a fortnight since we last saw the enemy but their presence is felt as we march through the chard remains of Bowling Green, MAGA hats litter the ground everywhere.
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It would be incorrect to say there was a massacre, but keeping with the times I will do so anyway.

While the other side has natural advantages in their sheer abundance of camouflage vests our rations, from what prisoners tell me, are considerably better.

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Can you believe they have naught a scrap of avocado toast on the other side!? One can’t imagine such a life. I have furthermore come to learn that very few of their military commissaries have Edison light blues, such barbarity.

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We have gotten news from the western front and rejoice! It is rumored General Kardashian has defeated her husband’s troops in battle which would give us control of all of Southern California. It is most welcome news.

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I do not know how much longer we can endure such hardship for the very soul of our nation is at stake. It has been several days since my last tweet and I have not been indulged in the pleasures of WiFi in too long.

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I miss you with an undying passion and await the day I may return to you. I endure for the day we may post instastories of our brunch together without a fear the terrible horrors of this war might pop up in our news feeds.

With Most Sincere Love,
Your BAE
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P.S. Your BAE has proven himself in battle. Col. Yates has put in accommodation for me for bravery in an encounter with detestable Alex Jones Commandos. She has recommended me to accompany Marshall Clinton when she arrives on the front. Gtg ttys.

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Dearest Pa and Ma,

We have reengaged the enemy. Do not fear for me too much, while I am close to the front I am safe. I have attached to Marshall Clinton's general staff and now have a full vantage of the war on every front.

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Marshall Clinton is everything we had hoped. While she does repeat that she told us all this would happen her stratagem is flawless. The red hats keep advancing but are easily distracted as we have laid traps with boxes marked "Clinton emails."

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With my benefactor Col Yates now a Brgdr General my continued rise through the ranks is assured. I have been given charge of a company of generation Z gun control activists. While they refuse to use fire arms their zeal for victory can not be understated.

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The war I hope may soon be over as Ambassador Colbert reports a successful expedition north to encourage the Canadians to intercede. I pray that day comes soon so the endless conflict between the red hats and the pink knit hats may finally come to an end.

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Our nation now will never be the same. Washington and Oregon I fear are lost forever as their early succession and union with Canada looks permanent and Southern Florida's independence will be hard to reverse. Be strong for I will soon post a FB album.

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Your loving son,
Captain Sarafan, Esq

P.S. my Amazon subscription items get delivered in a few days can you please stop by my apartment and leave them inside.

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Dearest Brother,

The war goes well! I trust you will share my account with my family and of course my beloved. I miss him terribly but I understand his skills are needed running an underground #LGBTQ guerrilla campaign in the Deep South.

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Fortune favors the bold here on the Midwestern Front. The stories are true, the Battle of the Chicago Suburbs was almost lost, Commodore Obama & Vice Admiral Biden relieved her forces just in time. Marshall Clinton has now set her sights on pacifying Ohio.
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My company of gunless Generation Z commandos have shown to be fearless, earning continuous accommodation. They have been so successful my command has increased from a company to a battalion. There snaps are on fleek and continue to confuse the enemy.

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With my increased command I have been promoted to Major. I am now privy to much of the overall war effort and all that I may divulge is that there is hope. Intelligence suggests that the traitorous Confederate Chairman Trump may soon lose access to Twitter!
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Its with heavy heart that I report the death of our dearest cousin. Know his death was not for in vain. He fought bravely liberating 3 child internment camps. The oldest children now fight with us, for in this war innocence is a luxury we can ill afford.

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Please tell mother I have done what she hath ask. Two fortnight ago my Gen Z commandos came upon an entire warehouse of Ivanka Trump clothing, still wrapped and on the shipping pallets from China. Tell mother I have avenged her, we BURNED IT ALL! 🔥🔥🔥

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Binary and nonbinary soldiers under my command rejoiced as we watched the Ivanka Trump clothing burn. It is hard to keep up moral when brother fights brother and father fights son. Our great advantage is our troops are vaccinated against curable despises.

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Defections from the upper echelons of the Confederacy II This Time Its For Keeps government increase by the day. Warlord McCains recovery and consolidation of New Arizona-xico is remarkable. His neutrality has been a boon for our troops besieging The Wall.
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Confederate Minister of Golf Buddys Lindsey Graham defected twice last week, went back and defected again this week. In the end his eventual permanent defection to our side may prove only as effective as his ability to pick a position and stick to it.

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It has not hit the Twitter yet but I proudly wish to report my battalion has captured the hated war criminal Confederate Environmental War Minister Pruitt. His environmental crimes are well documented and it heartens me to know he can no longer harm you all
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But I prattle dear brother, I wish to warn you that the feared Commander Coulter has crossed the front lines and is raiding close to NY. The Red Hats havent been this close to the nonflyover country in several months. You aught be vigilant.

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I now take leave, for this letter has gone on too long, my duties call to me. We are advancing south through the healthcare barrens of Kentucky towards the Red Hat capital, Mar-A-Logo. We hope to arrive by the War on Christmas.

Regards, Major Sarafan, Esq
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My Beloved,

Please find enclosed 2 tactical Polos captured from the personal wardrobe train of one of the most wanted Red Hats Jarad Kushner. May they protect you as well as any body armor. I pray your LGBTQ guerrillas fight well in the south.

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I miss you dearly and yearn to be in your arms once again. As this war rages the Red Hats become more desperate, intelligence says General Don Jr has met gone to Russia for support. It is reported the Russians only wanted to talk about adoptions.

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Be safe my love. I fear as Marshall Clinton prepares to bring the war to a close the Red Hats will lash out. My troops have come upon several WalMarts which had been razed to the ground.
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We approach Mar-A-Logo soon and it is my desire that your LGBTQ guerrillas link up with my battalion of Gen Z Commandos on our final assault. A joint command of two men who are married should strike fear in the Red Hat lines. A propaganda win for sure.

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Alas, I shall end my letter as I shall see you on the fateful day our troops meet on the road to Mar-A-Lago. One day our children will sing songs of the Great March to Mar-A-Lago to end the war.

Until I meet you on the battlefield,
Fight well my love

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Dearest Sister,

The Space Force has defected! As we near our 9th week besieging their capital Mar-A-Lago it is most welcome news. Without the Space Force we may not be able to dislodge the Red Hat govt before the star of the War on Christmas.

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The joint command with my dearest husband has been a propaganda win on our side. We have dropped several pamphlets on the besieged Red Hats featuring us atop a mountain of wedding cakes. But I fear it is not enough.

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Dislodging the Red Hats from Mar-A-Lago will be hard, Chairman Trump's penchant for golf overrides everything and they have both food and golf in stupendous abundance. The Chairman golfs while Red Hats live in squalor getting drug tested for food stamps.
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My Gen Z Commandos continue to prove their unarmed worth. They toil day and night creating some of the finest memes, such craftsmanship! Some are training with my beloved's LGBTQ guerrillas, only after at their insistence we added several new letters.

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The siege of Mar-A-Lago has given me much time to ponder about life for our nation after we win this terrible war. For is there a winner when brother fights brother, father fights son, and nonbinary cisgender child fights trans binary parent?

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Marshall Clinton says we must break the siege soon as food supplies run low. For my Gen Z commandos it is dire, please send as many gluten free Tide Pods as can be spared. I know you have your own children to think but it is imperative to the war effort.

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I can give you good news. As Marshall Clinton and my troops continue our siege of Mar-A-Lago, General 'Notorious' RBG has been successful in her repeat of Sherman's March to the Sea in Georga. It appears she was aided valiantly by the new Queer Eye guys.

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Gen RBG's campaign was rewarded mightaly as she captured the pleasure yatch of Melania Trump. It is hoped she can be exchanged for General Sanders, as his socialist partisans threaten to start a civil war amongst our side if we do not secure his release.

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The fight has been hard on many if not for the benevolence of the Great Soros many would leave the battlefield permanently maimed. The Great Soros is providing the highest quality globalist approved prosthetics for any of our troops. We fight on!

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As the last light of day fades over the golf courses of Florida look to hearten your mind and soul, dear sister. War will soon be won. We will take the guns, give them heathcare, educate them and treat them with dignity.

Warmest Regards,
Gen. Sarafan, Esq

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