Discover and read the best of Twitter Threads about #secondcivilwarletters

Most recents (17)

As we had discussed, I undertook a sortie deep into the Red Sector during daylight, for to acquire solar LEDs string lights for the new protest sign. Despite my freak flag flying and our suspiciously fuel-efficient vehicle,
...festooned as it is with the "PISS OFF PUTIN - VOTE DEMOCRATIC" magnetic bumper sticker of the @HarleyRouda Campaign, I have returned unscathed, and our vehicle showing no obvious signs of bullet holes or other Red Hat vandalism.
I even managed polite interaction with the shopkeepers, who were clearly relieved to discover I speak with a slight twang and so at least I was unlikely to be MS-13. Just hairy.
Read 6 tweets
So, some of my followers will have undoubtedly wondered why I participated in the #secondcivilwarletters tweets.
This will be a thread, as the reasons are complicated.

It all started with Alex Jones.
For those of us who were raised as fundamentalists and Republicans who were not to leave the party when we grew up - we learned our politics not only from debate club (private/public/homeschool) but also from people like Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones and Glenn Beck.
When many of us grew up and finally escaped "the box" (as one has called it), or "the cult" as many of us have come to refer to our upbringing; we found other ""talking heads"" that we could learn from, and we listened to various voices such as NPR.
Read 62 tweets
Today, I singlehandedly shut down one of America’s most inspiring monuments dedicated to immigrants.
Yes! Me, Myself, & I! I quickly regretted this protest as I couldn’t climb back down from the Statue of Liberty’s base tho. It’s scary doing protest stuff!
#Secondcivalwarletters After cowering in abject terror for several hours, the enemy provoked my awokedness by demanding that I climb back down...but I resisted. I clenched my teeth in a fierce grimace and attempted to channel my inner Bey-ness. I felt liberated! Then I fainted.
#SecondCivilWarLetters When I re-awoked I discovered the enemy had me surrounded with climbing harnesses and ropes. After waving some vegan candies in my face, I quickly succumbed to being taken into custody, but I defiantly left fingernail scratches on Lady Liberty’s foot first!
Read 4 tweets
Twelve score and two years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. This was, of course, total bullshit. #SecondCivilWar #NewGettysburgAddress
Black men, Native men, and other men who were not white protestants from the right parts of Europe were certainly not treated as equals, and that's not even mentioning how women were completely left out of the whole Equality business. #SecondCivilWar #NewGettysburgAddress
Still, as a nation we soldiered on. Bit by bit we got our shit together. Women fought for the right to vote, and won. Black people fought for the right not to be treated as chattel, or second class citizens, and won. #SecondCivilWar #NewGettysburgAddress
Read 13 tweets
My Little Red Hen,
We are exhausted from caging toddlers and we found that the local saloon would not serve as as our hats were red and did not suit. This civil war lacks civility. Old man Dershowitz was runnin' wild today howlin' at the moon. The war has done stole his wits...
General Sessions has promised that all the men with no conscience won't have to drill tomorrow. Colonel Pruitt has been taken by the fits and burns every field and poisons every river willy-nilly. We worry on account of he seems addle-pated but wont no one right him.
We hear from the capital that all is well and Mizz Devos told us we were winnin'. We need torches and are low on facts. We skirmished with some blues in a small town called Killpeopleburg. Lost some fine people. We were cruelly mislead into this costly and unjust conflict
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My Dearest Maria,
Today we were engaged in a great battle just outside the Golden Gate. As our brigade was about to encamp for the afternoon after a long and arduous bike ride from the Presidio we encountered a whole division of Kekistan regulars...
They were the feared Spencer's Raiders (Das Alt-Reichengroupen) which had plagued the streets of Charlottesville. The enemy spotted our advance guard and opened fire with a cannonade of talking points memos. General Flores sounded the advance and our brave men and women dug...
defensive positions including a complete brestworks and ramparts around the the WiFi hotspot. I had a meme fly right past my head which knocked off my garrison cap. Luckily your devoted husband was uninjured.

The enemy breached our forward positions and were advancing on the..
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My Dearest Beloved,
It has been but a fortnight since we last saw the enemy but their presence is felt as we march through the chard remains of Bowling Green, MAGA hats litter the ground everywhere.
It would be incorrect to say there was a massacre, but keeping with the times I will do so anyway.

While the other side has natural advantages in their sheer abundance of camouflage vests our rations, from what prisoners tell me, are considerably better.

Can you believe they have naught a scrap of avocado toast on the other side!? One can’t imagine such a life. I have furthermore come to learn that very few of their military commissaries have Edison light blues, such barbarity.

Read 40 tweets
Dearest Ma,
They wanted me to fight but I knew I could do more here with my many Russians bots and cloth diapers. You see owning the libs is merely a state of mind and a matter of likes and retweets.
Your son
Charlie Kirk
As I watch the battles rage I am glad that I am wearing my tactical polo shirts and am slathered with Ritz Carlton lotion. Do protect the Christian chicken franchise. Also I’m not having an affair with any of my employees. Love Scott #SecondCivilWarLetters
Dearest Jared, please know that father has high hopes for you to end this war. Also I might be leaving you for @JustinTrudeau. Love Ivanka #secondcivilwarletters
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MAGA'ers trying to troll #secondcivilwarletters tweets is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
"You're not funny."

Yes, that's because you don't get the joke.
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My dearest husband,

My regiment dressed in silence this solemn morn donning sensible sweaters for what was to come. At last this terrible war is upon us.

While smartly dressed, the enemy's resolve withered beneath our gestures of defiance

I shall make today's cookout after all
p.s. feel free to steal this pic and make your own #secondcivilwarletters
Note: photo credit to Andrew Shurtleff for Daily Progress.

This pic has been memed a thousand times but Mr. Shurtleff/Daily Progress may well have an opinion on its use.
Read 3 tweets
My Darling, After a stunning victory at Bowling Green our unit refueled with hot cups of Covfefe. We received our updates From General M. Obama via microwave, so we were prepared for the sea of MAGA hats & ill-fitting khakis. Why have they no tailors? #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest, Be heartened. Our moral is lifted by fantastic music as we have all of the rhythm & artistic talent on our side. We also have the science, which is helpful for so many reasons. And yet, still, I have seen horrors. The grammar, my god, the grammar. #secondcivilwarletters
Beloved, We dealt them a stunning blow today. We raided the buy one get one free sale at Lowe's. There are no tiki torches for miles. How shall the straight, white men with all the power now cry out in agony now? We shall prevail. #secondcivilwarletters
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My Darling Clara,
I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.
I have done what I can to stanch the outbreaks of gangrene and capslock but I fear there will be no respite, as Colonel Trump's militia and the Resisters have vowed victory, even down to the final lunatic, and I am running low on bandages and alcohol.
The situation has become desperately hilarious and I fear that I, like so many others, shall lose my own buttocks to the dark laughter. I implore you my dearest to please pray for my buttocks and send more alcohol.

Your Faithful and Devoted BAE,
Read 3 tweets
So there's this thing about #SecondCivilWarLetters going around and what I see are a bunch of glib white people mocking white suburbia, so let me post some of my Second Civil War letter, one I actually wrote shortly before I was surrounded by 300 men with torches and gassed.
I've been trying to write my legacy so that my story lives on if I don't. And the hardest, but most important legacy to leave has been about love.

Christine has been the jewel of my life, and I owe to her a thousand times over a thousand times the love she has given me. I want to get through tomorrow to spend a long life together, crafting new tales, finding new adventures.

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My Dearest Husband,

At long last, by the grace of God & a lucky Uber alone, our Hortons Battalion has reached our American comrades. We brought with us shoes & poutine. Morale has soared. Gen. Maddow and Captain Avenatti will be leading our charge at dawn
The MAGAts are confident in their victory but for our Nation, our Freedom we will fight & no greater battle there is. Our electro-cars are charged,our rations well stocked. By dawn's first light, my darling immortal, we make our stand. Their barbarism & truck nuts shall not stand
Though the Wifi may be spotted and the inhumanity and strife great we shall not bow before them. We must vanquish them.On the morrow we will engage the 4th Incel Tikki Regiment & march on to free the children. Beloved, do not despair, even if I shall fall, I shall fall for virtue
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Beloved Tiara,
I’m sitting on a hill rn watching the countryside burn below me. We’re surrounded
Idk if this letter will ever reach u but i want u to know I love you & I fight for u

It’s peaceful tho, an eerie silence

The enemy is approac...

— unknown

Enclosed is the picture of you I’ve kept in my breast pocket... close to my heart from the day I last saw u

I want you to have it back my beautiful Tiara

Hold it close to your heart and feel mine beating inside

Take care of our children
Love them well

She’s so beautiful

I want her to come alive and crush them
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You must remember that the secret to all of this is not to be afraid of fear. When you can really allow yourself to be afraid, and you don't resist the experience of fear, you are truly beginning to master fear.
The stage is set
Actors are a running to the dark corners like roaches in the light
The ones that are the loudest are the main characters as no one can be that deceived
It's raining #TheRainMakers
Here comes the PAIN! #PatriotsFight
God's in Control
#WWG1WGA #KAG #GreatAwakening
Thread by @_VachelLindsay_
1. I have no doubt that Obama will be indicted and found guilty of at least THREE major felonies, just from his central involvement in the framing of Donald J Trump
@threadreaderapp #ObamaGate #MAGA #WWG1WGA #QAnon #LockThemUp…
Read 139 tweets

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