Thread by @JShahryar

I should be finishing my grad school application and writing sample. BUT, I need to write about Aziz Ansari. I'm getting tired of all the apologia, victim-blaming and using ambiguity to try and defend him from what he did. I will get flak for this, but I don't really care.

The point where Ansari should have stopped was this: "When Ansari told her he was going to grab a condom within minutes of their first kiss, Grace voiced her hesitation explicitly. “I said something like, ‘Whoa, let’s relax for a sec, let’s chill.’”

This is it. SHE SAID NO!

This is NOT rocket science. When someone says, " Whoa, let's relax for a sec, let's chill" when you say you want to go grab a condom so you can fuck them, your response must be, "I totally understand. What would you prefer?"

NOT what he did which was to pretend it didn't happen

What part of: "Whoa, let's relax, let's chill" means continue with trying to kiss someone, performing oral sex on them and then making them perform oral sex on you? This is not ambiguous. She was pretty clear that she didn't want sex. That she wanted you to back off.

And then this. This is fucking unbelievable. He keeps repeatedly stopping her from physically leaving. He keeps trying to make her grab his dick. He keeps forcing his fingers into her mouth. At what point does he not get that she doesn't want this? That there is no reciprocation?

When she says she gave out verbal and non-verbal cues, and then explains how she did it, I got it 100%. And so did basically everyone else. Here's the exact part where she explains this and if you're into healthy relationships and consensual sexual encounters, you get it:

Two weeks ago, I faced the exact same situation. I met someone off a hook up app. She thought I was funny and cute. I thought she was hot and sophisticated. We went to text messages, traded nudes (yeah, I do that). We talked about normal stuff, then we talked about sex... A LOT.

They wanted to come over to my apartment. No dates. Just come over and do it. We planned it one afternoon, but they couldn't make it until later. When I said we should wait for the next day, they said, no. We had to meet up that night. She did say, "Can we take it easy tonight?"

Now that could mean a lot of things. But assumption is the father of assault. I knew I had to *ask*. And gently. And verbally. And if I at any point got anything resembling a no, it was over. We'd only make out if it came to that. But only if she was okay with it, I thought.

She came over. We hugged. We had talked repeatedly on text that the minute she walked in, I'd pick her up to prove to her that I'm pretty strong (even though she's taller). And she'd told me I should never do it unless I was ready to have sex right there and then!

So, I didn't pick her up. We chatted a little bit. She was cold so I gave her a sweatshirt. We watched Star Wars Ep. 7 on my couch next to each other. At some point, she said she wanted to cuddle. I said, sure. And then right before we cuddled, I went for a kiss.

She kissed me back. There is a thing called getting kissed BACK. It's when the person actively tries to bring their face closer to you. Their lips part to hold your lips. Their hands aren't frozen. It's pretty fucking obvious. It's your cue that they, too, want this.

I said, "I only plan to make out. Do you want this? Or should we go back to the movie?" She said, "Hmm, I can't make my mind up. I'm indecisive." And that's when I went for a kiss and she "stopped moving her lips". Just like Aziz Ansari's victim. She didn't kiss me back.

I knew she wasn't into it. Our bodies at this point were kinda entangled, so I lifted her up where she was sitting in front of me and I wasn't physically on top of her, restraining her. And I asked, "What's wrong? Do you not want this?" She took a few seconds to think.

And if you're a guy, that close to someone you're really into, those few seconds are fucking torture. But I didn't need her answer. If she was taking that long, I knew she didn't want it. So I mentally prepared myself. She looked away and quietly said, "Maybe I should go home."

I said the only thing you can, should and must say under such circumstances, "I completely understand." And I moved away. She tried to make the situation lighter, telling me nice things about me, and how it wasn't me etc, but that was not the point. The point was: "NO!"

She was in her car and driving home in less than a minute after she said she should leave. That's it. Why did I do it? Why didn't I just keep going at it? Because it's fucking illegal and it is morally reprehensible. I have written about this before. And I'll said it again:

Men know when a woman doesn't want it. Please don't bring #NotAllMen into this. Please, also don't bring, "Well, once a man is aroused..." because we don't live in the time of Ramesses II. Men know. And men can respect no, no matter how aroused we are.

Up to this point, you're being a horrible human being for defending Aziz Ansari... but what happens next is nothing short of being a rape apologist. What happens next leaves no doubt that Aziz Ansari was totally ok with sexually assaulting somebody and did so.

Ansari tried to get a woman drunk in order to break down her defenses so he could have sex with her that she clearly told him she did not want to have. WHAT PART OF THIS IS AMBIGUOUS? WHAT PART OF THIS IS HIM BEING AN AWKWARD TEENAGER!??!?!?!

1. He knew that she didn't want sex.
2. He knew inebriation might disarm her.
3. He TRIED do so.

Is it because Master of None is such a good show? Or because y'all just don't want a South Asian man held accountable? Because I'm a South Asian man, and I'm NOT cool with this.

Then, Grace goes to the bathroom. Spends five minutes there. Comes out, at which point Ansari asks her if she was okay. "“I said I don’t want to feel forced because then I’ll hate you, and I’d rather not hate you,” she said."

How many times does a woman have to say no? HOW MANY

That's THREE by my count.

1. Refuses to kiss back.
2. Tells him next time.
3. Tells him she doesn't want to feel forced.

But guess what? In the abhorrent and vile story of Aziz Ansari sexually assaulting a woman, there is MORE AND MORE!

4. He acknowledges her no. HE KNOWS IT! He verbally accepts her denial. Then, he goes right back to it. At this point, it's hard to see how Grace fights back? It takes a whole lot of courage to fight back knowing that Ansari could have been extremely violent if she said no again.

5. He continues to try to rape her, then AGAIN acknowledges her NO with "Doesn't look like you hate me".

6. He tries to rape her again in front of the mirror and this time, she again verbally does not consent to it and wants it stopped.

But wait, there's MORE rapey Aziz Ansari here!

7. After trying to rape her in front of the mirror and her saying no, he tries to kiss her again!

8. After she breaks off and tells him he's a terrible person for ignoring her NO's and violating her, he kisses her AGAIN!

9. Then after all this, when she finally manages to escape from this asshole, guess what he does? He tries to kiss her one last time.

I wonder if he's just going to respond to @BabeDotNet with a gross kiss.
Here's the article the screen shots came from: babe.net/2018/01/13/azi…

Look guys. Rejection hurts. I know this. I've been rejected by plenty of people. People I've been mildly interested in, people I've had crushes on, people I've loved. I know the pain and I'm sorry if you've had to endure it. But this wasn't about mitigating the pain of rejection

I also understand being an awkward guy, trying to navigate the world of sex and intimacy. I had my first kiss when I was in my early to mid 20s. It was horrible to have to go from never having kissed to trying to experience intimacy at 24. But this wasn't about awkwardness.

And finally, I get that it's hard to know what people want. Humans have feelings. Those feelings can change - sometimes very abruptly. And they don't care what the other side's feelings are. Navigating that ambiguity can be stressful and difficult. But this wasn't about ambiguity

This is not a case of awkwardness, ambiguity or feeling rejected. It was about a man, refusing to take "No!" for an answer from a woman. Even if it were about rejection, no one gives you the right to assault someone for rejecting your sexual advances. Stop defending Aziz Ansari.