Chef Shwasty Profile picture
May 9, 2018 121 tweets 30 min read Read on X
Alright! #HarryPotter and the #OrderOfThePhoenix #HarryPotterLiveTweet PART FIVE. Hitting play!

Also, lots of people have been asking to send me stuff like a scarf, etc. Someone even drew me as a wizard! If you want to send something, send it to PO Box 17244, Salem, OR 97305
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

God damn I love the music.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Eyyy he got a haircut.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What the fuck is going on?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dude this kid hits below the belt.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WAIT THAT'S DUDLEY?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is a dream. The black clouds and shit.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I don't like these spooky fucks.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Mini deer nuked that ghosty bitch.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dudley looks like a right douche in this.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT POINTING AT HARRY
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wait what? Nah he ain't expelled bitch there's like 12 more movies.

I'd be devastated though.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

They're making me relive the Cedric death.

Man...
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Goggles! And... Others?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oooh her hair changes color.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This has got to be a ride at Universal or something.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm not enjoying the moving building because its giving me a really weird anxiety and I can't explain it haha
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Sirius, looking like a Robert Plant wizard.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hey another house elf. Little more... Gruff though.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What were Ron and Hermione doing in that room by themselves? Hmm?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh fuck. Well whatever they were doing, the ginger twins were watching.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Sirius and Harry hugging made me very happy.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

So does Voldie actually have an agenda? Or is he just fucking killing for fun?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

So... Basically only the British can use magic.

This explains a lot.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Of course Dumbledore has like 12 middle names.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Pink collar bitch needs to shut up.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Denying Voldie is back is about as effective as abstinence-only education: do nothing, hope it works, but you're still gonna get fucked.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Harry would have to call him Uncle Sirius because Uncle Black doesn't sound appropriate.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck off, Blondie.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Buckbeak needs to make a cameo or something.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wtf is that dinosaur looking thing.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Who's the slightly cute creepy chick that's reading a book upside down?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Imma call her... Bubbles.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Is that pink bitch from the ministry of magic trial?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Thinks very highly of herself, doesn't she?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I don't like her.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm going to get me one of those ties in a couple paydays. Maybe a scarf. #RavenclawPride #CawCawMotherfucker
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Her vibe screams "that one bitchy substitute teacher with an inferiority complex"
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Bruh fuck the ministry.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"There is nothing out there, deer!"

Then uhhh why you teaching a class called DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK FUCKING ARTS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh I really don't like her
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Did she just say they were doing lines?

Might change my opinion on her oh he's just writing stuff. Nevermind.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What the fuck

what the FUCK

She's torturing him?! I mean, kinda.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Those ginger twins are enterprising as fuck. I want to fund their shenanigans.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Winter is definitely on the way"

Well that was a missed opportunity right there.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit what up bubbles.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I want a thestral. Those things are cool as fuck.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I want bubbles and Harry to end up together.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

THAT BABY THESTRAL 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I want cat lady to just pimp slap pink bitch.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Where's Hagrid? And whatever happened to John Cleese?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh she did NOT just fire tea leaves.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Aiight.

This bitch in pink has got to go.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

DUMBLEDORE TO THE RESCUE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Might be the cold meds but I'm tearing up from how much I love Dumbledore
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Listing off his resume sounds pretty cool

Killed bigass snake ✅
Deer nuked a million ghosts ✅
Fought Voldie and lived ✅
Burned a man to death with bare hands ✅
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

So if this takes place in the early 90's I want to hear someone like Longbottom jamming out to some Nirvana.

Or a smash cut montage of these kids learning to fight to "Come as you are"
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Bro this is basically wizard fight club.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I love this
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

He actually looks like a teacher! With his little jacket and his tie!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Harry Potter and the Taiwanese Secret.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

GET YOU SOME HARRY.

GET SOME OF THAT PRACTICE GIRL IN BEFORE YOU MARRY YOUR TRUE LOVE BUBBLES.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Are you that bad at kissing, Harry?"

"I'M SURE HE WAS THE ABSOLUTE BEST AND THAT HE HAD JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF TONGUE AND PULLED HER WAIST CLOSE AND WAS JUST WET ENOUGH DID IT GET WARM IN HERE CAN SOMEONE OPEN A FUCKING WINDOW"

Dial down, Hermione.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Snape: giving kids from the 90's weird BDSM fetishes by just how he talks.

Someone, somewhere, has called Snape "daddy."
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Yo Sirius pipe down with your elf abuse.

#HouseElfLivesMatter
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"What if I'm becoming bad?"

We've all wondered that, Harry. Every single one of us.

Except the bad guys.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hagrid's back?

Hagrid's back?!

HAAAAAGRIIIIID!

Wait, get away from my beautiful man, you rotten pink piece of shit.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Who hurt him?!

ILL KILL EM
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I mean I know I'm probably wrong but was that Helena Bonham Carter?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck me Azkaban looks terrifying.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why do they all have different deer nukes?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

God dammit practice girl. Didja rat everyone out?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Pfff haha yeah right. Dumbledore in Azkaban. He'd get super ripped and be running the place in a week

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. THAT WAS COOL.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

God dammit pink bitch.

God dammit.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Gee, Dolores, why not just slap "Arbeit Macht Frei" over the entrance and drop any doubt?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

That's a big motherfucker
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ahhh Hagrid's half brother. Makes sense.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is really fucking touching.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

YOUNG SNAPE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

He was bullied by James?

... Oh man
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Her face totally does kinda look like a toad
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

VIVA LA RESISTANCE

VIVA LA GINGER TWINS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And the Berlin wall falls.

Fuck off, pink bitch!
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Those boys are marketing geniuses
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I fucking love Snape
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah woah you can't use the cruciartis (no idea how to spell that) spell.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Centaurs ain't fucking around.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh this won't go over well.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"I'm sorry professor, I must not tell lies"

Fucking pimp
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is getting tense
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Anyone else have "Crystal Ball" by Styx stuck in their

WOAH WHO THE FUCK IS THAT
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit. Wait. That's the chick that tortured Longbottom's parents?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

RESUME RUNNING HA

wait I'm getting deja vous
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

That's a lot of property damage
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wtf is that gate thing
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Where did everyone go?
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh FUCK ME

GET EM SIRIUS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit, Goggles!

They are WRECKING SHOP
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

THIS IS ULTIMATE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I can't do this
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck magic, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER WITH FISTS
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh god

Dumbledore vs Voldermort
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck YOU and your FLAME SNAKE
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I legit don't know what to do
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Harry now is NOT THE RIGHT

WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO HARRY
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And you'll never know love
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"He's back"

NO SHIT
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Okay but like Sirius can come back now.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Bubbles is so sweet
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

They're starting to look like such young adults.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

And that's a wrap.

Jesus Christ these are good.
#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I feel like I've aged. A lot.

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More from @ChefShwasty

Oct 8, 2018
Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

(hOLY SHIT THAT'S A LONG LINK)

It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...)
Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

Cont'd...
Arwen took it last night, and scampered off with it like a proud little huntress I went to bed, and just as soon as I was about to hit the lights, I hear the fucker short circuit

SQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK

I sprint out to the front room...

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Read 18 tweets
Oct 3, 2018
Let's talk about embarrassing my annoying coworker

Thanks to the combined efforts of my heroes, @vipbanaangel and @EinganaDragon, a can of surströmming is on its way (which is salt-fermented Baltic herring, and one of the nastiest things on the planet)

But here's the thing...
My coworker (henceforth known as D) is one of those tinfoil-hat wearing nut-jobs that think as soon as his face is on the internet, his identity will be stolen and the government will find him, and his life will be over

That being said, he's agreed to buckle on one account...
"I'd only be filmed if it's for a good cause"

I'm gonna get that in writing

Meanwhile, we're going to be advocating for donation "pledges" for the Oregon Foster Parent Association

This is how I've worked this out:
Read 4 tweets
Oct 1, 2018
Let's have a chat about Halloween movies

We'll do another bracket-style, and I'm thinking 16 movies:

8 Halloween classics
VS
8 scary movies

We'll let the majority decide on what the #ShwastyHalloweenSpecial is going to be, BUT there's another thing to decide (cont'd...)
And that... is the format for it

It can either be a #ShwastyLiveTweet like we're all used to

OR

It can be a live recording like what happened with @GeekGoodness

Which means you'd be able to listen to it at any time. We could also do another giveaway

BUT (more cont'd...)
There's pros and cons for each style

#ShwastyLiveTweet Pros:
-More generally accessible
-Easier to pick up and put down
-Easy to make a "best of"

Cons:
-Not as immersive
-Not as impulsive
-Not as drunk

(Cont'd...)
Read 4 tweets
Sep 11, 2018
Have you ever had that weird moment of realization that people see you?

Like, okay, hold on

You spend your entire life looking through your own eyes and moving your own limbs. You never see your facial reactions. You don't see how you walk, you just feel it.
And then you walk in front of a mirror and think, "fuck, this is what people are looking at?"

So you make a couple of the same gestures and faces in the mirror that you did with other people to see if they look weird

BUT THAT MAKES IT WEIRDER
And then you go back out and start trying to act natural like you didn't just have this exestential crisis of self and identity and are trying to play it cool

Meanwhile you're freaking out wondering if people feel the same way about their own emotive physicality
Read 5 tweets
Sep 2, 2018
Alright, so "Lost World"

I'm purposely not reading ANYTHING on the box, but I did see "4 years later" before I closed it

So the park has been abandoned for four years im assuming? And I'm hoping like a motherfucker @jeffreygoldbIum is in it

#JurassicParkLiveTweet starts NOW!
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Shit it's been a while. I'm like... A little nervous?
#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey is that the same island from Lost?
Read 91 tweets
Jul 21, 2018
#ShwastyLiveTweet of #JurassicPark starts NOW

I know this movie is about a dinosaur island, which would been a less appealing name for the movie

I don't know any of the actors in it, or ANYTHING. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something goes horribly wrong, though

HIT IT
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

I'm prepared y'all
#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

This is some ominous ass music man.
Read 102 tweets

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