Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

May 11, 2018 • 122 tweets • 31 min read • Read on X

Alcohol? ✅
Tissues? ✅
Stuffed animal? ✅
Will to live? Still there. For the time being.

The #HarryPotterLiveTweet of #HarryPotter and the #HalfBloodPrince starts RIGHT NOW.

HOLY DAMN AM I FUCKING NERVOUS.

Hope Bubbles is okay <3

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Weird ass opening.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This shit just keeps getting darker huh

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

JESUS DUDE

This shit starts with terrorism?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Remember that time Harry missed the bus and had to fly a car to school? Haha how sweet and funny was that?

Meanwhile, ghost car bombs are going off in this episode.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Harry sure is diverse in his uh tastes.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Well that was horrifying

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Wands out Harry"

Queue my heart going fucking wonk.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh thisnisntgood

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What in the actual shit?

Was that dude just a Lazy boy chair?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Its been 8 minutes. I've already had a full IPA. That's my level of anxiety right now.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

He's a bit odd.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"I have a pic of your mom in my living room" is not a thing I'd ever want to hear ANYONE say, regardless of context.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"I do love knitting patterns"

lol gay

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Apparently Dumbledore is actually gay.

That's progressive as fuck.

Is anyone else gay? Because I've got some bets.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ginny is now taller than Harry.

Also, are we ignoring that Hermione is just kinda always around Ron?

Is that her bra on his bed?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I will never forgive Helena Bonham Carter.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah

Snape is hanging out with the bad guys?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Wait. Woah woah. So he's an ACTUAL bad guy? I just thought he was going through a phase!

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Bro! No! Don't make the fucking vow!

And Draco is also evil. Less shocking. His name is fucking Draco.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What deed? What are they doing?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hard cut to happier shit.

Okay.

My heart can't take this back and forth.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

There's enough hormones in that teenage prank shop to power a small aircraft carrier.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Draco.

Draco is gay, isn't he?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

HAAAAGRID

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Holy shit did he really just curb stomp Harry without the curb?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"I AM a friend!"

"That's nice."

STRIKE ONE, MY GUY.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Bubbles.

You're my kinda people.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Snape finally gets his dream job

This would've made me happy like half an hour ago.

I've grown since then.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

That was the most funny and real interaction between two boyhood friends I've ever seen.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

That one girl.

The one with the boner for Ron.

Imma call her

Stalker.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Aiight who's the half blood prince

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh Hermione is MAAAAD

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dumbledore just offered props to Harry for banging Hermione.

And he passed on the high five.

Come on Har-bear, make daddy Dumbledore proud. Lie to 'im.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dude sometimes a kid is just broken. He needs therapy, not a wand.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Might be #TeamGinny.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dude who's trying to bang Hermione

He looks like a Ricky.

And he's gonna end up with Stalker.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Why is Bubbles watching Gryffindor practice?

Also, baller move by Hermione.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Funny get your MOUTH OFF THAT BOY

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah WHAT

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Can't make a goddamn joke about Hermione being drunk without some REAL SHIT fucking happening.

Jesus.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

These two boys are having a conversation every guy has had at 2AM around this age with a good friend.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hermione's parents are DENTISTS

I don't know why this is the most mind blowing part of this entire series.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Alright, maybe there's something to this whole Ginny/Harry thing.

What happened to Practice Girl?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I want to punch every little jackass who's making fun of my Ron.

HIS HAT IS LOVELY

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Bubbles.

Is.

My.

Favorite.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Is the twist of the potion going to be that it was just water and he had the power all along to win?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

RON HAS ENGAGED BEAST MODE

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I've seen parties start like this.

I know how it ends.

Oh... Yup. Its well on its way.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Aw, Hermione really does love Ron.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Also. Called it about the potion.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is where Harry could suggest getting some REAL practice girl time.

I'm deflecting. I'm sad.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Hermione gets mad points for keeping Harry grounded

AhhhhhhHHHHHH HE'S WITH BUBBLES

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

God that guy is scummy as fuck.

But he puked on Snape's shoes so

Ten points to house Ricky.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

So now Harry knows for real what's up

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Stalker is trying wayyyyy too hard.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ron: Gryffindor keeper, wielder of the broken wand, MASTER of the cock block.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh god damn not this bitch

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OH REALLY

CHANTING ABOUT KILLING SIRIUS

OJ IISBD JEKSNDBFJDHSJ

FUCKIJG SNAP MY PHONE IN HALF

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Who's wolf boy?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Guys.

Stay safe.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Really? The Weasley house?

What fucking douche level is this?!

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

If Ron and Hermione don't kiss by the end of this I'm gonna

Well I don't know what. But I won't be happy.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Sluggy sure is paranoid

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ron is high as balls.

On love?

Ha.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Those edibles hit hard man

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ron just straight up took some molly

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

When you sober up and realize it wasn't actually love.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah is he okay?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh Jesus don't fucking do this to me.

I've already got like a billion people telling me this movie is fucked up

Ya can't make Ron have a fucking seizure.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Boy oh boy do I hate Stalker.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

MY BOY RON WITH THE SLEEP CONFESSION

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Draco is unraveling

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

He's having an actual panic attack.

There seems to be a lot of mental health themes

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

BLONDIE VS SCARFACE ROUND 3

DING DING DING

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Woah what happened to BLONDIE?

That's a lot of blood.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Is the bird alive?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

It was dead before, I thought

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Ginny has more courage at that age than I have at mine. Smooth kiss.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

That luck potion is actually just straight up everclear.

Explains why he feels so excellent all of a sudden.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"My interests in this are purely academic."

Yeah wasn't Ken Keasy a teacher, too? He sure as shit didn't stay in academia.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Can I love Hagrid's dog, or does that motherfucker morph into Satan in the next movie?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh shit that's the big ass spider from like the third movie, isn't it?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

There's a lot of substance abuse in this movie.

Only fitting I'm on my fourth beer...

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

"Be brave like my mother. Otherwise, you disgrace her."

Woah.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm hype about seeing this memory. I have to know.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Horcrux?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

DOES SIRIUS HAVE A HORCRUX

CAN SIRIUS COME-...

oh well

Never mind. No murder.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dumbledore is shaken.

And I don't like how he looks.

When he's nervous, I'm nervous

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OH SHIT THE BOOK WAS A HORCRUX

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

The music is building

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dumbledore is so fuckin OP

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is very Dante's Inferno.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

JESUS I DONT LIKE THESE FUCKING TERMS FOR DRINKING THE MYSTERY WATER

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I don't like this

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is hurting my soul

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Okay, I really don't like this.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

USE YOUR FUCKING HANDS

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Oh no.

No no no.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WOAH JESUS I WASNT THINKING SKELETON TIME

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Gollum.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

USE THE DEER NUKE

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

OP AS FUCK

JUST DRANK LIKE HIS BODY WEIGHT IN DEMON JUICE BUT CAN STILL CONJURE A FIRE HURRICANE

NO BIG DEAL

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Getting this ominous feeling I should have some whiskey

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

RUN FUCKER GO GET SNAPE

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Draco.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Put it down, boy.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

GO GET SNAPE, HARRY

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Fuck me

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

DEER NUKE. SOMETHING.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

SNAPE!!!!!

FIGHT EM.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

What

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I... What?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

FUCK YOU

GOD DAMMIT FUCK YOU

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Snape... Is the Half Blood Prince?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm kinda finding it hard to write right now. I'm sorry guys.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

This is Dumbledore's army.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

I'm ready to fight.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

R. A. B.?

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

Dumbledore's Phoenix is ready to fight, too.

#HarryPotterLiveTweet

WAIT HOW IS THAT THE END OF THE MOVIE

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More from @ChefShwasty

Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

Oct 8, 2018

Right, so, my cat's a fucking psychopath

This is going to be a thread, and this is the start

Anyways, so we got Arwen a toy a while back: amazon.com/OurPets-Play-N…

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It squeaks at the slightest provocation

(Cont'd...)

Like, it squeaks when you pick it up, squeaks when you throw it, squeaks when it bounces, fucker squeaks when you even look at it funny

It doesn't bother me, because Arwen LOVES it. She's happy, I'm happy. I hear her playing with it at night; makes me smile

But...

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Arwen took it last night, and scampered off with it like a proud little huntress I went to bed, and just as soon as I was about to hit the lights, I hear the fucker short circuit

SQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAKSQUEAK

I sprint out to the front room...

Cont'd...

Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

Oct 3, 2018

Let's talk about embarrassing my annoying coworker

Thanks to the combined efforts of my heroes, @vipbanaangel and @EinganaDragon, a can of surströmming is on its way (which is salt-fermented Baltic herring, and one of the nastiest things on the planet)

But here's the thing...

My coworker (henceforth known as D) is one of those tinfoil-hat wearing nut-jobs that think as soon as his face is on the internet, his identity will be stolen and the government will find him, and his life will be over

That being said, he's agreed to buckle on one account...

"I'd only be filmed if it's for a good cause"

I'm gonna get that in writing

Meanwhile, we're going to be advocating for donation "pledges" for the Oregon Foster Parent Association

This is how I've worked this out:

Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

Oct 1, 2018

Let's have a chat about Halloween movies

We'll do another bracket-style, and I'm thinking 16 movies:

8 Halloween classics
VS
8 scary movies

We'll let the majority decide on what the #ShwastyHalloweenSpecial is going to be, BUT there's another thing to decide (cont'd...)

And that... is the format for it

It can either be a #ShwastyLiveTweet like we're all used to

OR

It can be a live recording like what happened with @GeekGoodness

Which means you'd be able to listen to it at any time. We could also do another giveaway

BUT (more cont'd...)

There's pros and cons for each style

#ShwastyLiveTweet Pros:
-More generally accessible
-Easier to pick up and put down
-Easy to make a "best of"

Cons:
-Not as immersive
-Not as impulsive
-Not as drunk

(Cont'd...)

Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

Sep 11, 2018

Have you ever had that weird moment of realization that people see you?

Like, okay, hold on

You spend your entire life looking through your own eyes and moving your own limbs. You never see your facial reactions. You don't see how you walk, you just feel it.

And then you walk in front of a mirror and think, "fuck, this is what people are looking at?"

So you make a couple of the same gestures and faces in the mirror that you did with other people to see if they look weird

BUT THAT MAKES IT WEIRDER

And then you go back out and start trying to act natural like you didn't just have this exestential crisis of self and identity and are trying to play it cool

Meanwhile you're freaking out wondering if people feel the same way about their own emotive physicality

Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

Sep 2, 2018

Alright, so "Lost World"

I'm purposely not reading ANYTHING on the box, but I did see "4 years later" before I closed it

So the park has been abandoned for four years im assuming? And I'm hoping like a motherfucker @jeffreygoldbIum is in it

#JurassicParkLiveTweet starts NOW!

#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Shit it's been a while. I'm like... A little nervous?

#JurassicParkLiveTweet

Oh hey is that the same island from Lost?

Chef Shwasty

@ChefShwasty

Jul 21, 2018

#ShwastyLiveTweet of #JurassicPark starts NOW

I know this movie is about a dinosaur island, which would been a less appealing name for the movie

I don't know any of the actors in it, or ANYTHING. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say something goes horribly wrong, though

HIT IT

#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

I'm prepared y'all

#ShwastyLiveTweet #JurassicPark

This is some ominous ass music man.

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