I'm going to tell a story right now that I've never told out loud.

When I was 20, I arranged to be out of the country when the 1st lawsuit against my molester was filed.

1/ There was press--in the local paper, in the Philly Inquirer about a family therapist who molested his teenage patient. It hit big by current standards.

That night, I spoke to my mother-- the last conversation we had for 20 years-- in which she told me she didn't believe me.

2/

There is some shit worth acknowledging right now.

I fucked up a lot on race consciousness this year. @theladyalx came for me as a result. @nicoleclee entered my life soon after.

I chose thework. I put myself in the company of @desireeadaway and others. That led to @ncbcp_bwr. And then I fucked up again. That led me to these really awesome conversations with @StaciJShelton and others behind the scenes that are so challenging and rich and so loving, and that have taught me to not be afraid to ask if I have fucked up, shamelessly.

So the kids and I decided to invest in life today . . . But also to set shit on fire. We bought a fire pit.

We went full on priestess.

Lavender. Sage. Palo Santo.

I spent the afternoon immersed in various forms of my own personal therapy. I'm back and I'm ready to tear some shit up.

And I'm just gonna say it: I'm not backing another politician, ever again, who isn't willing to set shit on fire and burn down white supremacist patriarchy. I'm going to center on people with a history of fighting for justice, people invested in equity, people who know what it means to fight, people who are relentless. I don't give a fuck where they come from or whether they're "experienced."

I'm looking at a coalition of warriors.

Pretty much every text on my phone right now.

My friend @Lmpera has a saying: what we do for the one we do for the all.

This afternoon, I stripped naked and got this beautiful, life-worn body of mine scrubbed, pummeled, massaged, anointed, head to fucking toe. Full on goddess territory.

I am new. And have some thoughts. 1/ We are innundated right now with their hatred of us— all of us who don’t look, love, or live like those in power. It is overwhelming.

The antidote is this: we must love ourselves so ferociously,with such profound and powerful commitment to it, that their hate can’t gain entry 2/

Let me just say: the primary ways that men have historically discounted rape and sexual assault survivors is by calling them whores, sluts and liars.

This dude submitted a statement to Sen Judiciary that opens by saying he thought Julie Swetnick was a call girl when he met her.

https://twitter.com/MichaelAvenatti/status/1047231546497949699

It goes on to claim that she said she liked group sex, had it in high school, and that he wouldn't have sex with her because he was afraid of contracting HIV.

It ends with him saying he feels for Mrs. Kav and her wrongly accused husband.

To the follower who recommended this to me, written in 1890 (you read that right): thank you, and I’m astonished.

Over on Facebook, this post has caused quite a stir amongst the WW. So WTF. Hey Twitter.

***

I have a friend and colleague who is a black descendent of Robert E. Lee, born of the rape of his slaves.

1/ Don't tell me you're too uncomfortable to confront your own privilege, even when we talk about sexual assault.

Both/and. Racism and privilege. Rape and privilege.

Be willing to look at both at once.

2/

I was at a party once for my private prep school where I drank too much and ended up on a kitchen floor and had boys making cracks about taking me out to the back of a car and using paper bags as condoms on me. Were it not for a girlfriend, who knows what would have happened
1/3 I walked into school the next day and everyone was talking about it. Parties continued. I kept going, because it was my school and those were my "friends."

I was 15.

For everyone saying, oh, we can't believe Julie Swetnick because she kept going to parties, ask yourself:

2/3

I’m done now. This is playing on my speakers now, as my children sleep.

Let it all fall apart. Let it all be done. Let it all be purged. Let this brutal white supremacist patriarchy known as America come to an end.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

This column sums up my entire emotional state this Sunday morning.

nyti.ms/2zok5sW Particularly this:

"As a woman, as a loving parent myself, I am angry. I’m beyond angry. As the spectacle of Judge Kavanaugh’s nomination unfolds, I find myself caught in the undertow of bad memories, stuck in a simmer of rage. My hands furl into fists...

I have put details of my #MeToo story on Twitter this week that I have never made public before in my life. I have done it because I am a part of the bloodletting that is #WhyIDidntReport.

1/ One of the things that it has led me to say several times is that were it not for my dad, who never doubted me, believed me from the moment I told him, found me a lawyer, and sat with me through the trial, I would not be as strong as I am today.

2/

I want to make something very clear about child sexual assault. Part of what allowed me to heal and continue healing is that when I wanted to confront my accuser, I had great lawyers and my dad behind me who made that happen. I was protected in court. 1/ Though the experience of testifying and being cross-examined, and all the dirt that was thrown at me in the process, was horrible, I sat across from him and in front of fact finders, I spoke out loud every single thing he did. I told the truth. 2/

I could write essays on #whyIdidntreport, but they all start with this: the first time he grabbed me and hugged me at 12 (the very first grooming for future molestation), I told my mother. She said "what is wrong with you? don't you know what people do when they love eachother?" I never mentioned it to her again, until the day after I took him to court 7 years later, at which point she said to me on the phone "I know everyone involved in this, I know exactly what happened. YOU tell ME how that was abuse."

This statement from @CharlesMBlow is the clearest statement I've ever heard about what it's like to be a survivor of child sexual assault. Every American should watch it.

And just in case you're wondering, I can still remember the pattern on the couch where I was molested. 1/

https://twitter.com/ChrisCuomo/status/1042609742655324161

I remember the blue background of the fabric with the tiny yellow and red flowers up against my skin.

I remember the smell of him like he was right here up against me right now.

His cologne to this day makes me retch when I smell it elsewhere. 2/

I had to go find it again this morning, because it's in my head. Here's to revolution, and survival.

The birds they sang
At the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
Has passed away
Or what is yet to be Yeah the wars they will
Be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
Bought and sold
And bought again
The dove is never free

The @GOP is setting this up as an attempt to slam and challenge the accuser, without corroborating witnesses. I am intimately familiar with how this process goes, having been subjected to it myself. Expect the following: how could you possibly remember what happened? 1/

https://twitter.com/nycsouthpaw/status/1042050849688567808

How much did you drink? Were you a virgin at the time of the attack? Had you been flirting with Brett or Mark earlier in the night? Why were you wearing a bathing suit under your outfit? Did you fight back? Did you scream? Why didn't you call anyone? You didn't call the cops? 2/

The thing I keep thinking about is that they all knew at the time of the nomination that Ford's accusations were there. Grassley. Trump. Pence. McGahn. McConnell. THEY KNEW.

They were willing to gamble that Ford wouldn't speak out, and that if she did, no one would care. Not only did they gather an insane letter in the event they needed to defend him, but they lined up teenage girls behind him because THEY KNEW he'd been accused of nearly raping one.

Stuck back in time in 2003, waking up on the second anniversary of 9/11 in BPC with wide-open windows overlooking the Hudson and the second great love of my life in my bed-- he who had literally barely survived the day itself with his sister, now a soul mate, @lauratulumbas. Life is strange. We map our trauma and our love and our sense memories as we tell our stories.

I can smell that anniversary day like it was today-- the salt of the Hudson estuary, the face of my love crossing the West Side Highway, unable to look at anyone, not at all ok.

About a year ago, when I realized that I was about to become the sole parent to my kids in everything but name only, @Lmpera warned me that the rage would come. "Just wait," she said.

I didn't quite believe it.

Now? In the current climate, we have a lot to worry about.

/1 And: Someday, someone should write a book about how patriarchy has fucked single moms 6 ways to Sunday, from healthcare to work to judgment to dating ("who would take on a single mother with two kids?" my otherwise awesome dad let slip) to guilt to financial fear to worthiness./2