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My kid just made her stage debut by crashing my wife’s set when she was performing. Mark this day as the beginning... #DGProper instagram.com/p/Bne4zsXnZ4y/…
I thought that my kid crashing her mama’s set would satisfy her. But when I hit the mic...well, yeah. That wasn’t happening. My worlds have collided. #DGProper
When I started standup if you would’ve told me I’d soon meet my wife at an open mic and that 13 yrs later OUR kid would be on stage with me I’d have called you an insane liar.
Life comes at you fast. #DGProper
Life comes at you fast. #DGProper
My kid came home singing “Move it, move it.”
No, not the original, which is pretty damn bad.
I’m listening to The will.i.am version from #Madagascar.
I’ve had to listen to this 6 times since she’s gotten home.
I need to speak to a manager. #DGProper
No, not the original, which is pretty damn bad.
I’m listening to The will.i.am version from #Madagascar.
I’ve had to listen to this 6 times since she’s gotten home.
I need to speak to a manager. #DGProper
I’ve heard “I like to move it” 4 times this morning already.
At what point can I sue the childcare program my child is in for mental anguish? Is there paperwork I can download? A form I can submit to the government? #DGProper
At what point can I sue the childcare program my child is in for mental anguish? Is there paperwork I can download? A form I can submit to the government? #DGProper
So on a kinda serious note, I don’t play certain things for my kid. If the childcare provider starts playing Frozen for my kid am I allowed to go “uh hey, could we not?” Or does being in childcare forfeit all rights to what your kid listens to? #DGProper
My child, who is in full fledge boundary testing mode, just told me that her name is NOT Siddy.
It’s Sidney Baby Girl.
Okay buddy. #DGProper
It’s Sidney Baby Girl.
Okay buddy. #DGProper
I almost asked her “But who calls you baby girl?” But the last I hit her with a logic bomb that she couldn’t handle she screamed for 10 minutes. #DGProper
I realized that acting as the enforcer of rules/discipline may be neccessary for the brat but it aggravates my ADD. My brain does not enjoy keeping rules and lists and when forced to do so I can get cranky. So I have to maintain a calm while being really frustrated. #addcheckin
My kid is almost 28 mos and she just learned the concept of “Adventure.”
This is effing clutch.
Because now we’re not going to Target for apple Sauce...
WE’RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE.
Going for a walk to kill some time? Nooo.
WE’RE GOING ON A FRICKEN ADVENTURE.
#DGProper
This is effing clutch.
Because now we’re not going to Target for apple Sauce...
WE’RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE.
Going for a walk to kill some time? Nooo.
WE’RE GOING ON A FRICKEN ADVENTURE.
#DGProper
I bought a $5 box of glow stick bracelets & at the end of one of our adventures I give her one as a “SURPRISE” & she’s happy as can be. When she acts up I say “Well, I guess we won’t be getting any surprises for a while.”
“NOOOO. ILL BE GOOD.”
That’s right you will. #DGProper
“NOOOO. ILL BE GOOD.”
That’s right you will. #DGProper
We haven’t had a bad meltdown since the park incident. She starts up & I immediately remind her of myriad consequences that could befall her and she calms right down. She may not be happy w/ me but she’s listening. And it’s not even mean stuff! No music. No “adventure.” #DGProper
So yesterday I posted a pic of a 3d picture of my son in the womb. I look at the post today and see some one posted this in response... #DGProper 
That pissed me all the way off. How do you write on a post where someone ALREADY did something that we’re not sure if it’s safe. It’s INVITING you to get freaked out. Mind you, the concern is over vanity ultrasounds that aren’t medically neccessary. This was not that. #DGProper
And if the person had asked I would’ve gladly told them it was specifically requested by the doctor. And there wasn’t extra time involved. It was a basic sonogram and They COULD show the 3d picture.
Why post scare comments to expecting parents? #DGProper
Why post scare comments to expecting parents? #DGProper
I bought a portable Bluetooth speaker & it’s made walking w/ my kid so much easier.
I cut it on, give it to her & play whatever her heart desires. She stops walking I hit pause.
Her: “DADDY I NEED MUSIC.”
Well I need you to walk. Your move.
Then she walks. 🙌🏾
#DGProper
I cut it on, give it to her & play whatever her heart desires. She stops walking I hit pause.
Her: “DADDY I NEED MUSIC.”
Well I need you to walk. Your move.
Then she walks. 🙌🏾
#DGProper
The speaker isn’t expensive either. I paid $30 for it. It’s mostly rubber too so if she drops it it’s not the end of the world. She now asks for music more which means I have something she wants more.
WALK CHILD, WALK. #DGProper
WALK CHILD, WALK. #DGProper
I’m in full troubleshooting mode for my kid because when this new baby shows up she’s gonna lose it. So I’m trying to implement as many hacks as I can so that the wife and I don’t have to feed her to bears in January. #DGProper
So I’ve come to the conclusion that becoming a Daddy is like when X-Men start developing their mutant powers.
At first you can’t control your powers and it’s sporadic and doesn’t kick in when you want it. But the more you practice the better control you get. #DGProper
At first you can’t control your powers and it’s sporadic and doesn’t kick in when you want it. But the more you practice the better control you get. #DGProper
I’ve been battling my arch nemesis, Sidneto, & I’ve taken some L’s. But my Daddy powers are getting stronger. I’m starting to be able to control them. There’s moments when I’m doing the Dad stuff I’ve seen or heard others do but I didn’t know how they did it. #DGProper
Prime Example:
This morning my wife goes to get the brat up. As I’ve said before, she’s preggers & can’t just snatch the child up for a timeout. She also can’t make her do something. She’s too big and my wife is too pregnant. So the brat tries it w/ her.
ENTER DADDY. #DGProper
This morning my wife goes to get the brat up. As I’ve said before, she’s preggers & can’t just snatch the child up for a timeout. She also can’t make her do something. She’s too big and my wife is too pregnant. So the brat tries it w/ her.
ENTER DADDY. #DGProper
I’m sure if there’s a better term for what stage my kid is in but the only way I can refer to is “the shits.”
Because we’re in the shits now.
#DGProper
Because we’re in the shits now.
#DGProper
This A.M I had to put the kid on timeout multiple times. And she’s doing this new thing where I ask her to do something, she ignores it or does the EXACT opposite. I tell her she now has to deal with the consequence and she then yells emphatically “I LISTEN. I LISTEN.” #DGProper
My wife & I keep telling her you can’t retroactively listen. You can’t do ridiculous shit and then when I’m like “dafuq?” you scream “I LISTEN.”
THATS NOT HOW THIS WORKS CHILD.
#DGProper
THATS NOT HOW THIS WORKS CHILD.
#DGProper
I will admit I thought spanking stopped being a thing. I thought that we all learned that it doesn’t actually help. I got whoopings as a kid but my mom learned before I became a teenager through parenting classes that it’s not effective.
Who’s spanking their kids? #DGProper
Who’s spanking their kids? #DGProper
I just remembered that before I ever had a kid I wrote an article on “spankings.” I’ve evolved even more since this but the message I was pushing I think is a legitimate one.
Hitting kids: A hard habit to break - NY Daily News nydailynews.com/opinion/elon-j… #DGProper
Hitting kids: A hard habit to break - NY Daily News nydailynews.com/opinion/elon-j… #DGProper
The last time my mom was at my house Siddy hit her. My mom told me that she instinctively hit her back. It wasn’t hard but it was immediate. Siddy screamed bloody murder.
This morning I said “Remember when you hit Grandma? What did she do?”
“Grandma hit Sidney.” #DGProper
This morning I said “Remember when you hit Grandma? What did she do?”
“Grandma hit Sidney.” #DGProper
Welp. I just had to do my first "WE'RE LEAVING NOW" to my kid due to her acting up.
To say she's not pleased with me would be a severe understatement.
She's in full rage.
#DGProper
To say she's not pleased with me would be a severe understatement.
She's in full rage.
#DGProper
The best part? It's a BEAUTIFUL day in Philly. We were going to the park. I got a special backpack that has a cooler built in so I could bring her cold water and keep her yogurt cool. I had veggie sticks, animal crackers, THE WORKS. I had enough for her AND her BFF. #DGProper
We had literally JUST arrived at the park. She was in a mood & wouldn't let me unbuckle her seat belt. Her mom had to use the bathroom so I told her I was her only option.
I unhook one of the buckles and she kicks at me. I catch it like the Batman & tell her "DON'T KICK DADDY."
I unhook one of the buckles and she kicks at me. I catch it like the Batman & tell her "DON'T KICK DADDY."
#DGProper
My daughter has started wearing hair ties as bracelets. So I wore one & said that we were bracelet buddies. My wife, who has had these hair ties around her wrist forever was like “I’m a bracelet buddy too!”
Me & Siddy:
My daughter has started wearing hair ties as bracelets. So I wore one & said that we were bracelet buddies. My wife, who has had these hair ties around her wrist forever was like “I’m a bracelet buddy too!”
Me & Siddy:
See I argue that my wife needs to let me have these little things w/ the kid because they have stuff already! My daughter’s love of pretty dresses is only because she thinks her mama wears pretty dresses & she’s not a hat girl yet.
I NEED SOMETHING. LEAVE MY BRACELET BUDDY BE.
I NEED SOMETHING. LEAVE MY BRACELET BUDDY BE.
That’s why I buy her superhero shirts. She doesn’t know who Batman is (it’s either me or Mr. Carl at her daycare 🤣) but she points at my shirt then hers and says “I have DADDY shirt.”
I want more Daddy/Daughter things!
What did y’all do/share with your dads?
#DGProper
I want more Daddy/Daughter things!
What did y’all do/share with your dads?
#DGProper
Those moments when parents snap and tell the child what’s really the deal are just hilarious to me.
I’ve done it. Will probably do it again. 🤣 #DGProper
I’ve done it. Will probably do it again. 🤣 #DGProper
The best part is that 99% of parents aren’t thinking of things in a “mine vs yours” with their child. We would give the little poop monsters anything we had...
Right up until they demand it and melt down as if they’re a white lady at Apple care.
Then we get PETTY.
#DGProper
Right up until they demand it and melt down as if they’re a white lady at Apple care.
Then we get PETTY.
#DGProper
Is it possible to hit the terrible three’s when the kid is only 2 yrs and 3 months old?
Because imma argue that it’s possible.
On a completely unrelated note, I have a 27 month old child for sale.
Cheap.
#DGProper
Because imma argue that it’s possible.
On a completely unrelated note, I have a 27 month old child for sale.
Cheap.
#DGProper
Bedtime at this point is like a satanic ritual. There will be screams and possibly blood. WHO KNOWS WHO’S BLOOD? Possible poop all over the place. And a small monster who knows just enough to ask for things but then ask for the EXACT OPPOSITE once she gets what she’s asked for.
The more words she learns the clearer she tells us “I ain’t got time for y’all m’fuckas. Where da animal crackers at?”
Me: “Siddy bear, will you be a good girl?”
Her: “NO! I’m NOT a good girl. I’m a bad girl.”
Send help. We’re not gonna make it. #DGProper
Me: “Siddy bear, will you be a good girl?”
Her: “NO! I’m NOT a good girl. I’m a bad girl.”
Send help. We’re not gonna make it. #DGProper
If Siddy Bear is good at Spades...
Omg. Omg. Omg.
I might be tearing up. The sheer joy & pride I’d have. Oh god. I need this.
Omg. Omg. Omg.
I might be tearing up. The sheer joy & pride I’d have. Oh god. I need this.
I just remembered my mom told me about when she first learned I could play spades.
It was a party w/ a bunch of spades tables. My mama was playing at one & I played at one of the kids tables. But I started begging her to play at the adult table with her. I got told no 3 times.
It was a party w/ a bunch of spades tables. My mama was playing at one & I played at one of the kids tables. But I started begging her to play at the adult table with her. I got told no 3 times.
Finally, out of pure frustration with her terribly persistent child (read: “He don’t listen!”) she said I could play ONE hand with her and then I had to stop bugging her to play with the adults.
We then proceeded to play a full game and we WHOOPED on these folks AS A FAMILY.
We then proceeded to play a full game and we WHOOPED on these folks AS A FAMILY.
I’ve had a couple of parents recently mention how many pictures I take of my daughter. We have a projector in our living room and the screen saver is filled with pics of her. But I’m starting to wonder, is there such thing as too many pictures of your kid? #DGProper
When parents mention it they always frame it as they feel bad for not taking so many pictures. But I’ve heard the “your kid is the most well documented kid I’ve ever seen” A LOT. My kid now asks to see the phone/camera immediately if I take pics of her.
It made me wonder, could I be making my kid into a narcissist? I take so many pics cuz my mom had a flood & ALL of my baby pics are gone. All pics till I was 18 are gone. I wish I could see those. So I take extra steps to document my kid so she has these pics IN THE CLOUD.
Soon as she finished her breakfast she requested this song. And then she BROKE. IT. DOWN. This kid. #DGProper #levelupchallenge instagram.com/p/Bls7An5gDHL/…
GET IT SIDDY. GET IT. #DGProper
The joy this kid has. Thank Hera she loans me some sometimes. That’s why I’m cracking up at her. #DGProper
Today there was a moment where I felt myself becoming "THAT" parent. The snippy a-hole who is telling folks what they need to do with "MY CHILD."
About 15 minutes after the moment I was legit shook because for the first time I understood how one becomes...THAT. #DGProper
About 15 minutes after the moment I was legit shook because for the first time I understood how one becomes...THAT. #DGProper
And it wasn't even over something that deep!
When we went to pick up my kid from Daycare one of the teachers causally mentions that my kid hadn't been eating the main part of her lunch for the past 4 school days.
This annoyed the holy CRAP out of me. #DGProper
When we went to pick up my kid from Daycare one of the teachers causally mentions that my kid hadn't been eating the main part of her lunch for the past 4 school days.
This annoyed the holy CRAP out of me. #DGProper
See, I get my kid up, changed, dressed, feed her breakfast and pack her lunch for daycare. Everyday I say "Okay Siddy Bear. What do you want for lunch?" And she says random things. I help her pick what's reasonable, then she makes me SHOW it to her, then it goes in the lunch box.
When I first started talking I called my mama "Doyce." Her name was Joyce but I couldn't pronounce the J.
She told me that she was "Mommy" and not "Doyce." I told HER "No, you're DOYCE." And refused to call her mommy until she got her friends and my grandparents to do it.
She told me that she was "Mommy" and not "Doyce." I told HER "No, you're DOYCE." And refused to call her mommy until she got her friends and my grandparents to do it.
But seriously. I was right. Her name WAS Doyce. She wanted me to call her by a title, as I should, but her NAME was Doyce. I was 100% correct. Had she said "Yes, I'm Doyce but since you're my son you have to call me mommy" I would've gone along with it.
DON'T BE LYING TO ME.
DON'T BE LYING TO ME.
Because of the "Doyce" situation I've been teaching my 2 yr old my full name. She didn't understand at first because she knows HER name is Sidney Joyce White.
So she assumed my name was Daddy Joyce White. And her mother is Mommy Joyce White. 😂😂😂#DGProper
So she assumed my name was Daddy Joyce White. And her mother is Mommy Joyce White. 😂😂😂#DGProper
My god. My sweet adorable child has reached the pinnacle of the terrible two’s. Just screaming for no reason, refusal to do anything she doesn’t specifically want and no clue of what she specifically wants.
This is a nightmare. #DGProper
This is a nightmare. #DGProper
This morning she refused to leave the house so I lifted her to the porch. Refused to walk down the porch. I lift her to the sidewalk. Refuses to walk. Bring her to the car, refuses to get in car seat then refuses to allow seatbelt to be put on. #DGProper
This child screamed in the backseat so hard I tried to give her my hand for comfort. She screamed “NO DADDY!” And recoiled from my hand. I pull my hand back and she screamed “DADDY HAND!” Reaching for me. I put it back. “NO DADDY!”
This happened 10 times in a row. #DGProper
This happened 10 times in a row. #DGProper
My kid’s reaction to me cutting off my beard.… instagram.com/p/Bj5tCQ7Hi-p/…
“NO HAVE BEARD.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣 #DGProper
I admit I’ve watched this video like 20 times. What makes me crack up is her final “NO HAVE BEARD.” Because the first couple were more like a question or discovery. But the last one was a declaration. She put her chest into it. 🤣 #DGProper
My kid is on her “NO DADDY, NO” steeze. I’m sitting at the park alone like the kid nobody will pick for the kickball team. I tried to play with her and she literally said “Daddy, go way.”
Brat.
#DGProper
Brat.
#DGProper
The little brat demanded to wear a Batman shirt because I was wearing one. Then she wanted to wear chucks cuz daddy is wearing chucks. Soon as we stepped foot out the house she looked me up and down, turned to her mother like “Harpo?...”
I just realIzed that the previous tweet in this thread could be read differently than intended. My point was the child was acting like she didn’t know “me.” I was the “woman” she was questioning in that scenario.
I’m not gonna make it.
I’m not gonna make it.
My kid loves "The Cat in The Hat" to death. She demands we read it multiple times a day which concerns me because this is a story of a glorified home invasion.
#TheCaInTheHat needed to be arrested. #DGProper
#TheCaInTheHat needed to be arrested. #DGProper
2 kids are at home alone & I'm not sure how old they are. They don't SEEM like they should be left home alone with a fish as a babysitter but hey. Times are hard.
They never mention "Daddy" in this story so for all we know the Mother is working 2 jobs trying to survive.
They never mention "Daddy" in this story so for all we know the Mother is working 2 jobs trying to survive.
So these 2 kids with a fish as babysitter are at home and a gatdamb jauntily dressed cat BREAKS INTO THEIR HOUSE.
He didn't knock. They didn't say "Come on in oddly formally dressed cat." They were SCARED when dude just broke in. And he starts QUESTIONING THEM.
He didn't knock. They didn't say "Come on in oddly formally dressed cat." They were SCARED when dude just broke in. And he starts QUESTIONING THEM.
